Youngest daughter (25) living with much older man (33 years older) not talking to me

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by RuthShadburne, Nov 26, 2011.


What would you do?

  1. Keep trying to contact her

    11 vote(s)
  2. Wait until she get back to me

    3 vote(s)
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. RuthShadburne

    RuthShadburne New Member

    My youngest daughter has moved in and is engaged to a much older man. I live in Nashville, she is in SanFran. We are here visiting, and she refuses to see me. I have another daughter in the area. YD has cut off all communication with her , as well. This is highly unusual behavior for YD. No problems throughout her entire life. Older man very controlling. She is supporting him. Very upset. Very worried as we have always been fine, and now I haven't talked with her in over two weeks. I have received emails and texts, but don't trust that these are really from her.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Very scary Ruth. Red flags for abuse when someone is cut off from loved ones (whether brain washed to do so or actually being forced to do so). I would at least want to see her and I would be very careful what you say because if you dont know him...he could be one of those people who twists things back on her. If you can, find a local domestic violence shelter. Get their advice. Also, get their card and somehow, get the information to YD if there is a way to safely directly give it to her without boyfriend knowing.

    sorry you are going thru this. very scary and sad.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'd be scared too. Agree about the red flags for abuse. Do you know anybody who can visit their place to see your daughter and get her alone?
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I wholeheartedly agree with buddy and MWM. It does NOT sound like she's safe and I would be worried too.

    {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to you AND YD!
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    What are you saying in your messages to her that she's not responding to? I was in my 20's and living with an older man once and if my mother was leaving a lot of messages stating her disapproval, honestly, I wouldn't have called her back. Now, if your messages are just asking her to call so you know she's ok and she's not going to feel like she's getting a lecture, that's different. As far as him being controlling- I've seen situations where people really are controlling but I've also seen situations where a couple chooses the one that's perceived to be the 'strongest' to handle communications with others, particularly those who disapprove, and that can be interpretted as controlling by others. I'd suggest just leaving a message asking her to call and let you know she's ok, that you are worried. But 25 and 33 is not that outrageous of an age difference, in my humble opinion. Also, my opinion could change if you mean she is financially supporting him or do you just mean she's standing by him?
  6. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I don't think I would call 25 and 33 that large of an age difference.

    I do hope you get to speak with her to know she is ok.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Kimno - I read that to be he was 33 years older than she was which would make him 58 and her 25... that is a pretty huge age difference... doesn't mean it is a bad relationship but as a mother i would worry about the age difference. I would definitley worry about the lack of communication if that is a new thing... and it is a red flag for abuse... Doesn't mean that is what it is... but abusers do try and isolate their partners from friends and family.

  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    33 years OLDER. *I* am 58 and that's like me preying on a 25 year old boy, younger than two of my kids! That would really upset ME too. Yikes! There are older men who like to "mold" younger women (kids, really) to their taste. If this kid never ignored her mom before, I still think it's worrisome.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Oh...geez...I apologize...I completely missed that. Well, in that case...YUK!! I would wonder then if she'd ever been molested by an older man as a child. In any case, this is totally different. Actually, not to scare you, but I think I'd check and see if he has any criminal record, is he registered for any sexual offenses, does he have any warrants on him....this man probably has somehintg going on, but I doubt your daughter could have been too emotionally stable to have fallen for this.
  10. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I also apologize. Too much reading today and I'm in need of stronger glasses. 33 years oldER.


    That is troubling.
  11. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    I would be more concerned about a controlling man, than the fact that he is 33 years older.

    My sister's first husband was 40 years her senior. They were together for many years and in that time she graduated from UCONN and got an MBA from Harvard. He did nmot control her, nor did she him. They complemented one another.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Maybe it's because husband was 16 yrs my senior, but I wouldn't be too concerned with the age difference. I know many people see it and don't quite get it. Until husband I really never gave a thought to older men......and when I met him his age was just something I never really thought about. From what he told me, it was pretty much the same for him. We had lots in common and it just happened to click with us.

    It's possible your daughter is so infatuated with this new man that her world revolves around him at the moment. Or it could be she's afraid of your reaction to the situation and doesn't want to hear it.

    I'd try to keep communication light and up beat and avoid discussing the new man in her life for the moment. Then see what happens.

    My family didn't react to husband well when I met him, when I married him, and still never understood for the 28 yrs we were together. But the fact is sometimes between 2 people, age truly doesn't matter at all.

    I think it's too early to tell what the situation actually is just based on some texts and her not wanting to see you. Not saying I wouldn't be concerned, just saying I don't think I'd be overly emotional about it at this point. Watchful yes.

  13. RuthShadburne

    RuthShadburne New Member

    Thank you all for your input!!! I am new to this forum, and I am seeking input and camaraderie. I have met my YD's new "man" more than once, and the only word I have for him is>>Svengali: A person who completely dominates another, usually with selfish or sinister motives. I have raised my daughters to be independent and self-sufficient, while at the same time, we have maintained extremely close relationships. I know in my heart that my daughter does not want to go down this road. There was a tsunami of events that took place at the beginning of 2011, and this man was the one who was "there" for her when she needed a shoulder. Sometimes my "Catholic guilt" kicks in, and I chide myself for not being the one who was there. My biggest worry is that I know the signs of an emotionally and spiritually abusive relationship because I survived one. My latest texts and emails have been ones that constantly tell her that I am here for her, I am her mother and I always will be her mother, and please just call me to let me know you are response.

    Sorry to carry on, but I am so worried for her. I really do appreciate everyone's support. I believe that when we have worry and concerns, we need to get it out of our bodies...whether by talking with others or finding support wherever we can, so I thank you all for your candid input.

    Just a P.S. One of my other daughters has just found out she's pregnant, YD "knows" this, and still, no contact. Hence, my major concern. This is not like her.

    Thank you for listening.
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry this is happening and I would be a nervous wreck also. If you know his last name and where he has been living in the past years you can do a search to see if he has been arrested. I don't know where that gets you but I would want to know. Have your other daughters tried to contact her also with no response? Habve any of them tried to visit her at her work or when he is not home?

  15. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    I second what klmno is saying. I was in this situation, too, and my parents convinced themselves that I was in danger and needed "rescuing" from his evil clutches - even though I was with him absolutely by choice and in fact needed his emotional help to separate from my parents (lots of enmeshment, long story). If your messages are disapproving or (even worse) weepy, overtly worried, and/or guilt-inducing, she won't call you. That's not to say that I don't think you should stop trying to reach her, but keep in mind that your perspective and hers are different, and he is not automatically a svengali-type abuser simply because he's 58.

    (ETA: Yikes - I didn't read all the comments before I posted. Didn't realize you'd also called him svengali-like, and wasn't trying to throw your words back at you. Truth is, you don't know what she's told him about your relationship, and your perspective on your relationship and hers may not be the same. My parents thought we were "extremely close" and what we really were was enmeshed. I felt completely engulfed by them and had no idea how to tell them or how to separate myself from them. My older boyfriend helped, and I felt safe. Please don't assume that her experience with him is exactly like your experience in an abusive relationship. Even if it is, you can't rescue her - you can only continue to be there as a soft place to land once she chooses to end the relationship herself.)
  16. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    This does sound scary - especially since it seems to be a deviation from her usual behavior. As the others have pointed out, you have to be careful in your approach. Sometimes all we can do is to be there to pick up the pieces, sad as that is.

    You say that she is supporting him. I assume she is working and he isn't. Do you know where she works? Could you simply waiti for her after work and just say "YD, I just wanted to see you before we go home." Keep it short, give her a hug and then leave.

    She knows how to reach you. Make sure she knows she can contact you and there will not be a lot of questions or comments about her choices.

    It's hard to wait it out, but sometimes that's all you can do.

  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    More than the 33 years, although I find that far more alarming than just 13 years, is the fact that daughter is close to her family and is suddenly MIA. And that she MET him and got bad vibes. The age difference is that of a father/daughter and I wonder if that's what he wants from her.

    to the poster, I do not k now your daughter, or how she would react, but, if you think she would be ok with it, maybe you can call her local cops and ask for a wellness visit telling them that you haven't heard from her for a long time and are worried. I know they will check in on the elderly. Maybe THEY know something about this man that you don't know and, although they won't tell you, that could alert them that perhaps she is not safe.

    Hugs, and I hope you find something out really soon!
  18. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Then I do most certainly understand your concern. (((hugs))) It's the same concern you'd have regardless of the man's age......although that does give him more experience in manipulation and would make the worry factor increase.

    I'd keep being the supportive mom. Keep her informed while telling her you love her, you're here for her, you support her no matter what. He may or may not be reading the texts, but the hope is that she is reading them and because you've always been close and supportive ect, she will eventually turn back to her family. She'll need you there when she does because if he's that controlling it's not going to be easy for her to make the move to get away from him.

    That's about all you and her sis can do at this point.

    Welcome to the board.

  19. RuthShadburne

    RuthShadburne New Member

    Again, thank you all for your input. Elsieshaye, thank you for your input about being enmeshed. I will ponder my YD's relationship to me and my husband (her step-father). Re; her sisters, one lives in the same area as her (we'll call her T2), and she refuses to see her or even talk with her. T2's last contact was actually with YD's guy, and he was nasty to T2 on the phone. Her other sister (we'll call her T1), T1's husband and mother-in-law, and my hubby and I are here in the area from out of town. No contact. If she would just talk to me so that I know she's "okay" I could deal with it, but NO direct contact in two weeks makes me worried. I cannot be sure that she is even getting my emails and texts! I cannot be sure that he is not intercepting them, and responding for her. Another point is that he moved in with her within 6 weeks of meeting her. He had to vacate his apartment. She has resources from my family. They are starting a business, with her resources, but I checked the Sec of State and no such business name is registered, she thinks he registered it. My husband (we'll call him TBoy) has gone to their last known addy twice, and did not see them either time. If she called me and I could hear her voice, and she asked me to back off, OR better yet she saw me and looked me in the eye and told me that, I could handle it. It is the cut off/no contact at all, and dismissal through an email that has me at my wits' end.
  20. buddy

    buddy New Member

    ruth, do you know his full name (or what you think it is). Can you have a background check done on him? If I were in this situation I would hire a professional to investigate. I agree his age is an odd part of the story but alone, not a concern you couldn't live with... However, all the pieces together are way too scary to not check him out.

    Just MHO, I will pray for your daughter.