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<blockquote data-quote="seriously" data-source="post: 433734" data-attributes="member: 11920"><p>I no longer start sentences with "I'm sorry" for several different reasons. My kids don't see it as empathetic - just patronizing. And frankly most of the time a sentence out of my mouth that started with that would in fact be patronizing. So I don't use that phrase if I can avoid it.</p><p></p><p>If I feel like empathy is called for I try to name the feeling or problem I am empathizing with: "That sounds like it must hurt." "You sound frustrated" "It's tough when things don't work out the first time."</p><p></p><p>My easy child/difficult child is a serious whiner at times. She will go on and on about how I am a terrible parent, how much she hates her family, how she's leaving the day she turns 18.</p><p></p><p>For a while I got mad and argued. Duh. Why was I teaching her to argue? She's already good at that.</p><p></p><p>My therapist suggested that I started agreeing with everything she said and and exaggerating her complaints. I was doubtful but figured I had nothing to lose by trying it.</p><p></p><p>"You are a terrible parent" - you're right. I am the worst parent on the face of the planet. I am the dumbest, stupidest parent ever.</p><p>"I'm leaving the day I turn 18" - I am sure you will be much happier living on your own. Your life will be so much easier when you don't have to deal with my interference in your life at all.</p><p>"You know better than to talk to me when I'm mad. Shut up." - you are so right honey. I should know that you are mad at me and not say a single word. How can you stand to live with me?</p><p>"You never let me do anything fun" - you're right of course. I would not want you to have any fun - ever. I have forced you to be a complete hermit. I never let you have friends over. I am completely unwilling to let go to the movies or anything fun at all.</p><p></p><p>After doing this a few times, easy child/difficult child got pretty frustrated. One day we were driving in the car on the way to her therapy session. She had been whining and I was totally agreeing with her that I am an awful parent and she deserved better. The worst parent on the planet.</p><p></p><p>There was this silence from the back seat.</p><p></p><p>Then she says in tones of righteous accusation " You are PATRONIZING me!"</p><p></p><p>OMG I nearly wet my pants I had to work so hard not to laugh.</p><p></p><p>"Am I?" I said. "I am sooo sorry about that. I would never want you to feel that I am patronizing you." I said in the sweetest most mournful voice I could muster.</p><p></p><p>I'm surprised her eyes didn't fall out of her head she rolled them so hard. "You are doing it AGAIN!!!" she shouted.</p><p></p><p>"I am sooo sorry dear. I will try really hard not to ever patronize you again."</p><p></p><p>ARGH she cried and actually started pulling on her hair.</p><p></p><p>I hardly ever have to do that anymore. As soon as I start agreeing with her she gives me a dirty look and goes away.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, this doesn't work with difficult child 2 most of the time. When his brain is out of synch, he cannot handle that kind of abstract thinking. He's not just whining to get his way. He truly believes what he's saying and cannot understand why we act the way we do.</p><p></p><p>If I agree with him and tell him he's right, I am the worst parent on the planet, he becomes even more frustrated and out of touch with reality. If I agree with him about that, why won't I agree to let him play his Xbox 24 hours a day or eat all 8 cans of peaches at once or refuse to let anyone else choose the TV show we're all going to watch? It just doesn't make sense and he just gets more agitated.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seriously, post: 433734, member: 11920"] I no longer start sentences with "I'm sorry" for several different reasons. My kids don't see it as empathetic - just patronizing. And frankly most of the time a sentence out of my mouth that started with that would in fact be patronizing. So I don't use that phrase if I can avoid it. If I feel like empathy is called for I try to name the feeling or problem I am empathizing with: "That sounds like it must hurt." "You sound frustrated" "It's tough when things don't work out the first time." My easy child/difficult child is a serious whiner at times. She will go on and on about how I am a terrible parent, how much she hates her family, how she's leaving the day she turns 18. For a while I got mad and argued. Duh. Why was I teaching her to argue? She's already good at that. My therapist suggested that I started agreeing with everything she said and and exaggerating her complaints. I was doubtful but figured I had nothing to lose by trying it. "You are a terrible parent" - you're right. I am the worst parent on the face of the planet. I am the dumbest, stupidest parent ever. "I'm leaving the day I turn 18" - I am sure you will be much happier living on your own. Your life will be so much easier when you don't have to deal with my interference in your life at all. "You know better than to talk to me when I'm mad. Shut up." - you are so right honey. I should know that you are mad at me and not say a single word. How can you stand to live with me? "You never let me do anything fun" - you're right of course. I would not want you to have any fun - ever. I have forced you to be a complete hermit. I never let you have friends over. I am completely unwilling to let go to the movies or anything fun at all. After doing this a few times, easy child/difficult child got pretty frustrated. One day we were driving in the car on the way to her therapy session. She had been whining and I was totally agreeing with her that I am an awful parent and she deserved better. The worst parent on the planet. There was this silence from the back seat. Then she says in tones of righteous accusation " You are PATRONIZING me!" OMG I nearly wet my pants I had to work so hard not to laugh. "Am I?" I said. "I am sooo sorry about that. I would never want you to feel that I am patronizing you." I said in the sweetest most mournful voice I could muster. I'm surprised her eyes didn't fall out of her head she rolled them so hard. "You are doing it AGAIN!!!" she shouted. "I am sooo sorry dear. I will try really hard not to ever patronize you again." ARGH she cried and actually started pulling on her hair. I hardly ever have to do that anymore. As soon as I start agreeing with her she gives me a dirty look and goes away. Unfortunately, this doesn't work with difficult child 2 most of the time. When his brain is out of synch, he cannot handle that kind of abstract thinking. He's not just whining to get his way. He truly believes what he's saying and cannot understand why we act the way we do. If I agree with him and tell him he's right, I am the worst parent on the planet, he becomes even more frustrated and out of touch with reality. If I agree with him about that, why won't I agree to let him play his Xbox 24 hours a day or eat all 8 cans of peaches at once or refuse to let anyone else choose the TV show we're all going to watch? It just doesn't make sense and he just gets more agitated. [/QUOTE]
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