"You're gonna be a grandma!"

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TessFromWA, Feb 17, 2015.

  1. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    That, along with a photo of a pregnancy test with a big PLUS sign, is a message I received via Facebook upon arriving at work this morning. Mind you, the last communication of any kind that I received from my daughter was over a year ago, right after the burglary, that read as follows:

    "I can't believe you think it was me. You're insane. But okay, that's fine with me because I didnt do anything. Once this all blows over, I want no contact with you at all."

    I have kept an eye on her all this time, through her FB account, but there has been no contact between us, at all. So...because I have learned something from this site and all of you, I didn't respond immediately with what my first thought was - "Have you been drinking and drugging since you conceived?" I thought about it for a couple hours. Then I replied with "If you're happy, then I'm happy for you."

    She opened the door. I miss my daughter and I love her more than life itself, in spite of everything. She's a pain in my arse and has been nothing but stress and heartache since she turned 13, but she is still my baby girl. So after another hour or so, I sent, "I think you'll be the best mama ever. If you're in town around lunch time, let me know, I'd like to treat you to lunch. I love you. Always. <3"

    She replied almost immediately with "I'm so hurt. My husband said he'll divorce me if I keep it. It's my baby. I don't know what to do."

    I seriously want to annihilate him. I have NEVER liked him, he's a selfish, punk, gangsta wanna-be, and he has done nothing for my daughter except drag her down into the sewers with his nasty ugly self. How DARE him tell her that! If she aborts her child because he told her to, she will never recover from it. Never. I want to just go get her and bring her home. I don't want to be a grandma, but I don't want that punk loser SCUM telling my daughter to kill her child!

    I know I have no control over this. None. I know that it would be so very easy to be sucked into the drama, and I can't do it. I know that I need to stay detached. And it hurts so effing bad, to see that piece of slug slime hurt my baby girl like that.

    I told her
    "I am so sorry to hear that. I don't know what to say. I love you. I support you."

    She said she loves me too, and that means a lot.

    I pray she will be strong enough to get away from that piece of fecal matter and protect herself and her child from him. I wish he would get hit by a bus. I hate him.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

  3. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    Her reply should have been in quotes. She said, "I love you too. That means a lot." in reply to my saying I love her and I support her.

    Thanks for the hug, pasa. :unsure:
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would forget about the husband. He did not make her do the things she has done, not that he's a peach or anything, but your daughter chose to have a baby with him. If I were you, my #1 priority would be to ask her if she is still drinking and doing drugs. We adopted a child who was exposed to drugs and alcohol and it IS his birthmother's fault that he has struggled a lot and it is to his credit that he is still happy, but don't think that even early drinking, before you know you are pregnant, can't hurt the baby because it can.

    I would be cautious about being so happy. Your daughter is going to have to change her entire life to give you a healthy grandson and to be any kind of mother. I'm not saying this to rain on your parade, but so that you don't lose focus. Although I never agree that forcing an abortion is a good idea...ever...I do think this is probably not a good time for your daughter to have a baby and she picked some nasty DNA to have a baby with.

    I don't know how it will work out between the two of you once she is home and comfortable and back to herself. Our troubled adult kids seem to want us only when they need something from us. The young woman who left your house and didn't speak to you for so long is the same person as before only now she is pregnant and has nine months to take either good care or bad care of that baby growing inside of her.

    You can't do anything to make her be healthy during her pregnancy. I know that. But I'd be firm with her and if she lives at home...get her ready for being a mother. A job. Rent. Her own laundry. Cleaning. Curfew (your house/your rules). No drinking or drugs because she is pregnant, if for no other reason.If she isn't a responsible person when the baby is born, the baby is not going to be very happy with her and Dad doesn't sound like a winner. Don't be surprised if after telling your daughter to abort the child he suddenly wants visitation and his parental rights after it's born...he sounds like one of our fabulous troubled adult kids and they never see the strangeness of their actions and often do things just to irritate other people. He can get parental rights too, so that is a problem also.

    That's what I'd do anyway. She could come home, but if she started abusing the baby before it is even born, I would be thinking to myself about how I'd get custody of that child after the baby was born. It's a big waiting game.

    I hope for the best and congrats on becoming a grandmother to hopefully a healthy little boy or girl with a responsible mother!!!! :)
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Tess. What a day you've had. I read your bio so I could recall your story and noted that you said your daughter is a pathological liar, among other things. We parents are spring loaded to jump back on the bus when our kids give us the tiniest indication of a change..........I hope the doors of love continue to spring open for both you and your daughter.........not to be a killjoy here, but proceed cautiously.........there may be more to the story then you are presently aware of.......step back and allow it to unfold. There isn't anything you can do anyway........just keep your heart protected a bit........ keep yourself well supported........you said all the appropriate and loving things........keep your detachment and wait.......

    Hugs to you Tess, this stuff is hard.
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  6. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    "So happy" ?? I don't think I said I'm happy. I am about as far from happy as I can get at the idea of her having a child at this time in her life, let alone at my becoming a grandmother at this time of my life. Regardless, I don't think I've actually ever posted here when I've had something happy to share. :whistling:

    I would hope that if she continues with the pregnancy that she would live a healthy lifestyle. My late sister adopted 4 foster children, 3 of whom are profoundly affected from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), along with other drugs that their bio-mother indulged in. She was stripped of her parental rights while pregnant with both of the youngest, and with the very youngest, the only one not Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), she was being tested weekly and knew that she would spend her pregnancy in jail if she peed dirty. My daughter knows up close and personal how a mother's choices while pregnant can affect the child, so I hope that she would not go there.

    She has stopped the non-stop partying and been sober (per her FB posts) for the past few weeks, and enrolled in classes to get her GED, all before knowing she was pregnant, so who knows where she actually is.

    And for the record, she's not coming back here. She has made this life of hers, and she has to live it. I said I wanted to bring her home and annihilate her "prince charming" :sick: I also want to win the powerball, buy my own island and live on it with just my three Bernese Mountain Dogs and no one else. :wink:

    I am not going to try to fix things or rescue her. I can't be sucked back into the drama. Cautious-cautious-cautious
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  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    ((HUGS)) to you Tess. That is tough news to receive. Our adult children can't take care of themselves let alone a child. I think you handled it well, you showed her support and love without being a doormat.
    Yes, you need to stay detached. Your daughter has to figure this out for herself. Perhaps this pregnancy will be what she needs to leave her husband.
    There is no easy answer to this. You are just going to have to give it time.
    Hang in there!!!
  8. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Tess.

    I hope you stay close to the board with updates.

    Your post hit me because husband and I discuss this every few weeks. Our 33yo difficult son and his girlfriend have been together several years. We half expect a similar email/text one of these days. We THINK we will not be drawn in because: a.) there is no relationship with Difficult Son and b.) we feel very confident he would end up using their child as a pawn with us. We have no grandchildren and do not want to get sucked into a situation that would cause immense pain. (We meet the grandbaby and then are refused contact unless we do this or that).

    Easier said than done. A grandbaby?!?!?!

    And, this is totally putting our experience onto your situation, which is not cool. Also, how many times have I heard to not...what is that term???....I can't remember...but it means imagining bad things that have not happened. husband and I are better about not doing that these days, but still not great at it. Wait, the term may be awfulizing...or something close to that.

    With others, I hope and trust this works out well for everybody concerned. This is a major fear of mine and I am interested in what happens, while truly hoping the very best for you.
  9. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    This is one of the first things that ran through my head, when I saw the message this morning. Before she told me what "Prince DkHead" had said to her. She is going to use the child as a tool, to manipulate me and get me to do what she wants.

    That makes me so very sad. You see the reactions of America's Funniest Videos, where the grandparents-to-be either faint, or scream or cry from absolute joy at the news that they are going to be a grandparent...or people at work who are so excited to tell everyone that their child is having a baby.
    Then there are people like us....who only feel dread. :backingout:
  10. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Catastrophizing I think is the word you are looking for and yes it would be a catastrophe for this child to have a child!
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Tess, I just went through this with my son and his girlfriend. She stabbed him last summer and was convicted of a misdemeanor for it, reduced from a felony, aggravated domestic assault.

    In December she sent me a Fb message saying she is pregnant but don't worry we will probably get an abortion.

    I felt multiple feelings about this like I am sure you do.

    I decided not to respond, not to mention this to my son and to do nothing. girlfriend and I have met and she was here doe Christmas and I had gifts for Her but we don't really communicate beyond that. She has always been fine with me communication-wise. I decided that while I would very much rather them not be together, that I was going to keep my side of the street clean when it comes to her. In other words, be kind and polite but stay back.

    About three weeks ago difficult child called to say they were at the er and she had a miscarriage. Oh by the way she was pregnant he said. He described the events of the night and I just said I am sorry and I hope you are both okay.

    Now she is in a psychiatric hospital because on Sunday due to the miscarriage and her untreated bipolar disorder she tried to cut herself. difficult child called 911 etc.

    Yes this was my grandchild. Yes she is definitely not who I would choose for my grandchilds mother. Yes my son is finally making some progress and now this. Yes both of them are in no way prepared to be good parents. As far as I know.

    tess I know you are a mass of emotions and at the base of it all you love your precious daughter and are glad to be in contact with her. I am so glad that this situation has reconnected you both.

    It is natural to turn your deep fear into rage against the "other one." I get that.

    Tess if you can, try to wait. Try to stand by and just let a little time go by. Offer your love support and encouragement. See what happens without trying to make something happen.

    Hang in there. We are here for you.
  12. rktman

    rktman New Member

    Tess, I think you have an awesome set of responses with your first post.
    My Difficult Son got a girl pregnant barely out of high school. We believe she was living some "teen mom" fantasy and wanted to get pregnant (with letters to prove it).
    Anyway, my wife and I have a grandchild, almost 2 years old that we will probably never have a relationship with. The teen mom threatened us with a restraining order after we gave the grandchild Christmas presents (clothes) via teen moms parents. It is a really unfortunate situation but they created it and there's nothing we (or you) will be able to do. They will try to use the grandchild against you or as leverage to get what they want.