DH went drinking.

[Kjs]

In my very long vent (sorry) from yesterday, I stated DH went to GNC for some pills for his knee's. Well, he finally came home. He said he ran into some buddies from work and went to have a drink. OK, fine. DH does not drink often. He might have one beer a week. And in the 21 years I have been with him he has never had "one too many", been "hung over" needed anything for pain..he's a man you know. So, I knew not to ask about how much he drank, I could tell. He then said he wanted to go to a near by bar for a bloody mary. I offered to drive and pick him up. He says no..he didn't drink that much. OK. BTDT. DH is a very mean drunk, or drinker. He proceeded to scream at me at the top of his lungs about how "he hurts(knees)", but I hurt worse. Then how his teeth hurt, but mine hurt worse, then how MY job is SO hard, and how he has only taken TWO vacation days in the last year. Meanwhile, I am trying to interject and it just gets out of hand. He hits me in the arm and I left. I grabbed my purse, thinking I was going to get in the car..then forgot I gave the car to PC to go to the concert. So I start walking. Came to my neighbors house and they have their camper all set up, opened up. They were still up so I asked them if I could stay in their camper for the night, which I did.
First of all, I took out, and paid for really good insurance so DH could get his knee(s) replaced. He refused saying it wouldn't help.(nothing helps him...he is a man)
I DO say I hurt, (never said worse than him) but I call the doctor and I try to do something to relieve the pain.
I have made Dr. appt's for DH but he cancels. So, I quit making them. In 21 years he has never had a physical. I make an appointment for that, and he refuses to leave work early and cancels.
My job is not hard, my HOURS are hard. He stated to me that he would never work anything but first shift. Well..you got to do what you got to do. The hours are the toughest for me since nobody else thinks you have to sleep.
I go to the dentist, and if my teeth hurt I call the dentist. here too, I have made numerous appointments for DH and he always cancels, so I don't do that anymore.
Vacation,,I have begged DH to take vacation with us (me and the boys). We have a cottage (my family) up north on the water and I have begged DH to come every year. He always told me "I don't get vacation". So, I quit asking. I know he does, but I am not going to beg him to take it.
He rarely sleeps in the same room with me, so I doubt he even knew I was gone last night. I went home early this morning to shower so gfg wouldn't realize I was gone. DH never mentioned last night. I am so angry. Does he actually believe all the things he said? When he is yelling like that he doesn't let anyone say anything, just continues louder and louder.
So DH starts cleaning/washing the deck today. (big deck with lots of spindles)Hurts his back. Tells me he never had this kind of pain where it hurts when you breathe. I get him ice, he says that makes it worse. I get him heat, he says it doesn't help. (gfg was at friends most of the day) I get ready to pick him up and DH says, "I'll get him". I ignored him, picked up gfg, dropped him off and came to work.
Do I address these issues with DH or just let them be?
If I would address them it could never be in conversation, that would just make him angry and he would either yell or do the silent treatment. If I write him a note, more than likely he would throw it away without reading it. But, I would feel better. Long again. Sorry.

[meowbunny]

I'm sorry. No answers, suggestions nor ideas. Just a gentle hug from here to you.

[Dammit Janet]

I have no idea. It seems you have more problems than just gfg here. Again I am going to bring up counseling. You and DH need to find a way to communicate because soon gfg will be grown and out of the home and then where will the two of you be?

[Nancy]

Gosh this is tough, I know I lived with a man like this, my dad. My mother never addressed anything because she was afraid. We all just ignored the leephant in the living room and he went on verbally abusing mom anytime for anything.

If it were me I would tell him that when he drinks he becomes abusive and you won't tolerate it, you will leave. But then you have to be prepared to leave. It sounds like there are a lot of issues to work out between you and counseling may be the only hope.

I'm sorry, you have some tough decisions to make. But I hope you don't allow him to control you forever.

Hugs,
Nancy

[muttmeister]

My ex was a pretty good husband when he was sober but when he drank he was like yours and he got so he drank most of the time so I got rid of him.
Obviously, it doesn't do any good to try to talk to them while they're drinking and I think you did the right thing to get away. However, in your case, it doesn't sound like the drinking is the problem, if he only averages a beer a week.
I do think some of this needs to be addressed while he's not drinking but that isn't easy either. I agree that counseling may be the only hope but I wouldn't make any big bets on your getting him there.
You say you have been with him for 21 years. Is this something new? Has it always been this way? Is it getting worse? Is it an every day thing or is it an occasional thing that has just really gotten to you? How important has it become? If he will agree to some counseling, great. If not, you have to decide whether you want to live that way or not. That is entirely your decision to make. If so, you know what you are up against. If not, you will have to be the one to take action. I wish I could offer more suggestions but I learned long ago that you cannot change some one who doesn't want to change. You can only change your reactions to them.
Good luck.

[Kjs]

DH has been like this since gfg was born. Prior to that we were a happy family. PC is his stepson and they got a long great. His whole world revolves around gfg. He can do no wrong. He actually believes I make up things about gfg! Even after school has called him too. What ever it is, he will justify gfg's actions. It is awful. As far as drinking, it is not often, but always a very mean person.

[Steely]

Kjs,

Not to be too dramatic - but he hit you!!!!!!!!!!!! [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/nonono.gif[/img]

I think you need to pack gfg up and leave for X, Y, or Z for awhile to get dh's attention. Drinking, or no drinking - he hit you and things need to change now! Before one day soon it goes too far.

Weren't you worried about leaving gfg alone with a drunk dad? Even if his physical well being was not at stake, what about his emotional? He does not need dh and you arguing to this degree with all of his other emotional problems.

I know it is hard. I have BTDT. I have been pushed around by a drunk, drug addicted man - and I stayed way too long. It had an emotional impact on my son that was irreversible.

I will be sending you thoughts of strength and peace.

[Big Bad Kitty]

I was going to respond a couple hours ago, but thought I'd hold off and let others respond to you first. I did not want you to think that I was picking at you.

Kjs, if you do not leave, I do not know what else to tell you. He hit you. That is abuse. And he has been emotionally abusing you for years. He tries to convince you that your problems are not as bad as they are. You mention constantly that he yells at you. My parents stopped yelling at me when I moved out of my house. Nobody's SPOUSE should be yelling at them.

I read in the general forum that you said you would leave if it were not for your financial situation. You have got to sort out your priorities. What if he beat you? Like put you in the hospital beat you? What would you do? Would you still say "I can't leave him, I can't afford it?"

Do you want to wait around until he beats you to find out?

I left my DEX without a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of. It was the absolute hardest thing I ever did. I went through a domestic violence shelter. It was humbling. But I stand up tall now, and I will never ever let a man take advantage of me again. Correction: I will never ever let ANYONE take advantage of me again. That does not mean I walk around like a tough guy. I learned to be assertive. Not passive, not aggresive, right in the middle. Assertive. I ask for exactly what I need, and I say exactly what I mean. THAT took counselling. It has been suggested to you countless times to get yourself into counselling.

You really ought to consider it.

Your safety and your son's welfare needs to be the priority, not the deck. Not DH's back. Please take care of yourself!!

[Kjs]

First need to clarify something. GFG was not home.
And I know to familiar the rest. I was also involved in the domestic violence center many, many years ago. They called it the battered womens group back then. There was no mandatory arrest, you had to file a complaint. I had police tell me back then I must LIKE it because I have witnesses. Yes, but what will happen to me tomorrow when he gets out.---This was not DH.
I was very much involved, went out of town on seminars. Became a very strong person. Learned so much.

I truly believe DH is falling apart. He just doesn't drink. I can count on one hand how many times he has had too many. I know we need to go to counseling which I don't believes helps. But it will allow me to say the things I want to say without getting yelled at. He does yell at me alot. I have caught him crying alot recently also. I ask what's wrong and he says nothing. So, I leave him alone. don't know what his problem is, but he isn't willing to help it. Can't force him.

I am holding on to the hope that DH will finally realize he doesn't want to feel this way and accept help. He always has a reason why he won't take medication, pain medication, headache med. Anything. His loss.

[IMSnoopee]

Sounds too familiar to me. Sorry to hear this is happening. In an ideal world, your husband would accept counseling as an option, but since he won't even see a doctor, your chances of a therapist visit is nil.

I was married to a man like that, but a younger version and he drank daily. I kicked him out when I realized the affect he was having on our children. He never hit me, but he was definately agressive and intimidating.

I don't suggest people to break up their marriages. That is such a big deal and so personal. But I would think hard about how you are dealing with him and the verbal/emotional abuse. I know he hit you, but it sounds like you have accepted it. I know I'm gonna get a backlash on this, but a lot of marriages have a knock-down, drag-out fight once in awhile and someone gets hit. And I don't think that is cause to divorce -- just MY opinion.

Anyhow, something I learned when I got divorced was how delicate a man's ego is. Many men (especially in your DH's generation) was brought up w/physical abuse in the home and taught to not show emotion. "Be a man" kind of thing. I remember treating my DEX as though he didn't have any emotions. I never stopped to consider what he may be going through or what I was doing to carry on that "be a man" attitude.

Everything in a man's life is wrapped around his identity as a man. His work, his children, his home, his wife. He may not take vacations because he believes he'd be considered not a hard-worker. What was his father like about work? He may not go to the doctor's for a host of reasons. Did someone he love or was close to die in a hospital, get misdiagnosed and die, or does it consist of missing work to go? And the GFG... if your DH is anything like my dad (which is just a few years older than your DH), he may be in denial because he thinks it's a reflection of him.

Maybe you can take a different approach to what you've tried before. Just simply asking 'what's wrong' won't get you much of a response to someone used to not talking. You're the best person to get him to talk. You've known him the longest and the most intimately. As for your anger and your need to get things out, I say take it out on a therapist where you can role play. It might help you not get as upset when talking to DH.