Emoting....I need to make a decision

[upallnight]

I have to tell dh that I'm going to go in to the hospital. Not the current doctors' hospital, but one I had been in previously. The problem is dh thinks I better just go back to work ASAP and really, nothing is wrong in his mind , I'm making it up, and he is going to be MAD when I tell him this.
The reality is I weigh 91 pounds now and clearly I'm a mess. I cannot eat all this....meal plan, which now includes 6 CLIFF BARS A DAY plus all this other gigantic food portions. This past wekend I gained weight and I ate barely anything...so I am crying.

The doctor just stares at me and says nothing when I talk to him and he makes me feel creepy. He just types away in his laptop, and I swear I am getting worse. I feel like tomorrow in the "family session" dh is going to hear how the dr won't give me a note to go back to work and he will be so angry at me!!!! And he'll also hear that I really am not "well"- He will disagree and think I'm an idiot.But behind the dr's back I made another call to Renfrew where I had been. I can be in by the end of the week. I'm not sure what to do. Who wants to go anywhere, but I am losing it, and am holding it in. You know, everythings fine. Tonight we're going to the movies. See, nothing is wrong!

I have been pretending to dh that NOTHING IS wrong, and am acting like I can't wait to just get that note and go back to work. But, i don't feel well and I've really been lying to him about my stuff. I'm just mad and a hater right now. Forgive my craziness!

[Hound dog]

Stop pretending. Let it all hang out. Men have trouble picking up and registering what we feel when we show it, when we pretend.....zip right over their heads.

If you need to go in hospital, and I agree with you wholeheartedly, then go, dh will deal or not, that is HIS issue, not yours. Yours is to get help for yourself. Everyone around you can just deal with it. Sometimes it's gotta be that way. If you had a major heartattack, they'd have to deal. Same thing, except a major health prob is what you're trying to avoid, like system failure due to malnutrition.

Don't worry about dh. He's a big boy. You worry about you for a change, right now you're top priority, NUMBER ONE above anything else.

No more pretending hon. People can't help you if they don't know there is any help needed.

Praying hard for ya.

(((((hugs)))))

[StepTo2]

UAN, you do need to let it all out! DHs are notorious for taking us at our word... Not a good thing. YOU know it's an issue for you, and though I applaud you for gaining weight - YOU know you need more help - GO GET IT!!!

You're not ready to go back to work - obviously, or you wouldn't even mention it. If you think the hospital's a good idea, go for it!

And FWIW? You've been eating tiny portions for so long, your stomach can't handle a lot at once. Are they slowly adding more or did they just dump a bunch on at once?

You are awesome! I'm really proud of you for keeping at this!

[DDD]

Truthfully I think many (if not most) of us "baby" our DH's. There is this fierce need to be the perfect woman that causes alot of underlying problems. Please accept some advice from one who has done it the "wrong way" in two marriages....spit it out as it is. In fact I might suggest not just telling him that you are going to the old hospital. Tell him the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. You are not well. You have tried to protect him from any concern but now your health safety is at stake. You wish you were half as well as you pretend to be but you are not. You hope he will step up to the plate and provide all the support he can.

I know this will not be easy for you but pull out your Warrior Mom outfit and relabel it Warrior Spouse! Sending very caring support and hugs your way. DDD

[buddy]

You know what you need to do. Once there they will help you sort it out with DH further. Just do it. The life lessons you are teaching your kids to care for themselves for the health of your whole family are invaluable. It will be a shock, and it seems maybe a little bit of it understandably so if you are doing such a good job of hiding things. But that is what you need to share. That you understand he wont be able to wrap his head around it because you have been pretending and just doing your best to hang on by your finger nails and now that you are in a phase of treatment that is really pushing your buttons you need extra help to get past this hump.

Hub will get over it. IF he doesn't... well then that is more to talk about in counseling because those underneath issues drive us to continue in these kinds of unhealthy coping behaviors.

You are making a good choice here... follow your beliefs.

[TeDo]

Tell him the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. You are not well. You have tried to protect him from any concern but now your health safety is at stake. You wish you were half as well as you pretend to be but you are not. You hope he will step up to the plate and provide all the support he can.

Ditto this exactly!!!! Time to let him see the "real world"!!! NO MORE pretending. NO MORE protecting. If he can't handle the truth or won't accept the truth, that is HIS problem. You're priority is YOU. Do what YOU have to do!! He's a big boy.

[hearts and roses]

It's wonderful that you recognize the need for more and better care and are willing to what it takes to get it. And it's wonderful that you realize you've been pretending with H and that this needs to stop. Those realizations are huge, now it is time to act on them.

Take care of you, put your health and well being first. When we do that, of course it causes some discomfort to those who are used to us doing it all and being so capable. But their discomfort is secondary to your good health.

I know for me it's also very difficult to ask for help or to allow my H and kids know that I'm struggling. Usually by the time I fall apart, I've been suffering for a while and it shocks them all. H is clearly uncomfortable when I'm crying or needy, but oh well.

Big hugs, put on your armor and bring H up to speed-full disclosure. You can do this, you've already come so far. We believe in you! xo

[Rabbit]

Sending Hugs to u and u will be in our prayers. Rabbit

[upallnight]

Thank you, Thank you..all of you, this is exactly right. If he's mad...he'll get over it, the worst that can happen is he wants a divorce, and I'll be fine. You guys are so awesome!

Step-In an in-patient setting, they slowly add more. Here, they only added 2 more Cliff Bars a day. But, it doesn't matter because I never even ate the 4.

[Hound dog]

UAN

I have no clue what a Cliff Bar is, but I'm going to guess it's probably a high protein, high cal, nutritious sort of bar. And while that is great, because you need it........Do they teach you in patient the healthy portions to eat and gradually work you up to those as well? I was wondering if perhaps you could eventually feel better about eating more calories/food if you had help learning to eat healthier choices at the right portions?

Dunno, was just wondering. I'm not sure how such treatment programs work exactly.