How to Avoid Being a Helicopter Parent?!

[StepTo2]

Kids need to learn that choices have consequences and that they will not always be rescued. Mommy or daddy won’t always be there to pay for their mistakes and bail them out.

I cannot post the whole article due to not wanting this to be a religious discussion, but basically this sums it up. The problem is, we also have a "system" that taps the wrists of many kids...

And then there are our GFGs.

(If you want the link I can PM.)

[InsaneCdn]

I was accused by schools of being a helicopter parent... including the current school.
UNTIL... we got to the bottom of the dxes and started getting real, effective help.
At which point, it was possible to step back.

There is no pat answer, no magic bullet, no way to look at somebody else's situation and say: "that's helicopter parenting". Haven't walked a mile in THEIR shoes? Ya don't know what ya don't know.

OK, having said that.
If more parents would actually spend TIME with their kids, real relationship-bonding, taking a stand on issues, etc. - there would be fewer problems.

And having said THAT... we live in a society where it is almost impossible to survive on less than two incomes. And doubly so if you have kids with challenges. Where do we find the TIME?

IDK. No easy answers.

[tiredmommy]

I'm not a helicopter parent, but I've been accused of it because of Duckie's allergies/Epipen status. but, ideally, I don't hover when she's at an activity. I let the adult in charge take charge. I either help out in some way that doesn't have a direct affect on Duckie or bring a book, etc. It's kind of been weird this last year when I've been able to send Duckie on her own more. I kinda like it, lol! I've always told Duckie that I will support her in what she wants to accomplish (financially and with the time commitment if her motivation matches), but her successes and failures are her own. I think it's made her comfortable in trying new things because I won't flip if she's not the best at something.

[Dammit Janet]

I think that viewpoint comes from S.T.E.P. parenting course. Or at least that is where I first heard that term. We had to go through a whole series of workshops on parenting while Cory was in wilderness camp. I cant remember what the other two types were called, maybe permissive was one? I dont remember.

[Hound dog]

I was accused of being a helicopter parent. My kids were always under adult supervision until their teen years when I began to reduce it down to almost none by the time they were 17. (if they could handle it) That doesn't mean I was all up in their business. It means if they were playing outside, mom was also outside keeping a watchful eye out for trouble......I'd read, garden whatever. If they were in a setting to be supervised by other adults, I let them take over. But that didn't mean I didn't keep informed about what was going on ect (like with the school). And I was huge on natural consequences, and if there weren't natural ones you bet your bottom dollar mom had some for them. I can't think of one single time I ever bailed my kids out of anything. That doesn't mean I haven't gone nose to nose with the school if I thought a rule was either ridiculous or unfair. (telling a girl who is 4'10" in hs that she can't wear pants that go over her shoes as it's gang assoc attire is IMO ridiculous.....I told them she'd wear them IF they went out and shopped for specially made clothes and paid for them, because when you're that short even petite clothes drag the ground on you, they dropped it for both my girls; like I said.....a ridiculous rule)

Honestly? I think it depends on the type of hovering the parent is doing. Mine was mostly supervision. And yes, I let my kids make mistakes so they could learn from them, sometimes even if I was standing right there watching it. But if you're running interference for them all the time, they don't learn much, nor do they get the opportunity to learn to think for themselves. (that's katie) And even with supervision, a parent has to realize when it's time to start cutting back and reducing the amount of supervision you're doing to begin the process of independence. This process I started at 13 for the girls, around 16 for Travis as he lagged behind in maturity for a while. Some parents have trouble with this process for various reasons.

[StepTo2]

I don't remember what they were called but you had a super controlling parent on one end and a relaxed do whatever you want parent on the other. I remember the parenting class. They never did explain what to do with a GFG. There was one Mom there who had to bring her son, and he was SEVERE ADHD. They had no tips for her, either. Except to medicate him. I wasn't impressed.

[StepTo2]

Oh, and Lisa, since your kids all turned out pretty good (except Katie, and that's certainly not YOUR fault!)... Apparently so.

I guess those school admins with the long jeans problem should talk to kids now, KWIM? I always had that problem - Petites were too short and regulars too long.

I'll go to bat, but not in every circumstance. For instance, Jett's IEP? I'm not asking for them to reduce his homework. He doesn't turn it in, his problem. I am asking them to follow through on helping him with the reading and an eval for APD>

[Dammit Janet]

I think the super controlling was the drill instructor and the other was dang...I cant remember.

I do think it is a good course for general parenting. Most of the kids that went to that wilderness camp werent true gfg's. They didnt allow medications for one thing. That was a set up for failure for Cory but he loved being there. He stayed as long as he could...lol. 16 months. He did very well in that environment because it was out in the woods with really nothing but kids and a campsite. I am sure lots of our kids would do well there. Run, play, swim, fish, hike, canoe, build tents, build fires, cook, etc. The only schooling they did was reading about what they were doing, math about what they were doing, history about where they were...stuff like that. Oh Cory learned to cook and he learned to measure and carve wood.

Most of the parents of Cory's friends here were the completely lax ones. They never knew where their kids were. We always knew where he was or if we didnt, we were on our way to finding out. Cory used to be so confused because his dad always knew what trouble he had been in before he even got home. He didnt realize the entire neighborhood was telling on him...lmao.

[Hound dog]

Oh, I didn't go to bat in every circumstance by a long shot. I wanted them to learn rules were rules for the most part. It was just the really over the top ones that made no sense that I stepped in on. Like I didn't say a word when PC wore too short skirts to school, and she'd hitch up her shoulders so her finger tips were in the right spot so she didn't get sent home to change. (if Mom thought they were too short they just up and vanished in the laundry lol ) The rule was skirts had to fall down to your middle finger as your held your arms down at your sides. (btw skirts for short people are also a nitemare, either too short or too long, no inbetween) Or when Nichole got suspended for kicking the devil out of a boy another boy held into place for her (other boy think NFL football player) because he'd thrown her down 3 flights of stairs because she broke up with him and the school didn't do anything. I simply told her, when she was outraged that SHE got into trouble and HE didn't, that if she had handled it appropriately she would not be suspended for 3 days and having to do school work and a TON of Cinderella duties. Then we went over more appropriate ways she should have tried BEFORE resorting to violence. (mom didn't tell her that she didn't blame her a bit for kicking the boy until he could barely walk......he could've killed her with that fall down the steps, she'd not even seen it coming) But the boy never went near her again either.

And yes. If my kids got suspended it was not a vacation at home. Regardless if school work would be counted or not they had to do it and it was checked by mom to see if it was done correctly. If not it was repeated until it was done correctly. On top of that they had Cinderella duties which was everything from mowing the yard to cleaning toilets.....they got it all for the length of time of suspension. It was mom who got a vacation from housework. win/win LOL

[keista]

I was not designed to be a helicopter parent. I don't want to be a helicopter parent. I find myself having to learn how. UHG! If I didn't hover every once in a while when it came to son's school work, he's be failing out, and would never amount to anything. The kid has lofty goals, and is capable *with accommodations* and guidance - sometimes a lot of it.

They never did explain what to do with a GFG.

That's because they don't have a clue, or in their book it doesn't exist - remember? It's always the parent's fault.