How do you detached from messy emotional situations?

[SuZir]

Next week I will be facing situation that will be hard for me to deal emotionally. There is an intern in my workplace. She is local and I have kind of known her and her parents a long time, not well but known who they are and said hi, when met. She is two years older than my GFG. We haven't been at work same time for few weeks (summer holidays etc.) and during that time GFG shared something with me that involved this girl.

When GFG was home we talked few times about bullying he endured while younger and some incidents simply freak me out. This one is probably worst. GFG finds an incident hurtful because of emotional factors and I'm not even sure if he really understands why I got so freaked out about it (he is still young and stupid enough to think that he has nine lives, I'm not.) It happened several years ago and I'm sure also the kids involved didn't understand how it could had ended, they probably just thought it was funny. But however I look about it, I can't get over the fact, that it was very possible, even likely, that after that day, I could had had only one child left. Kids got crazy lucky and GFG was physically unharmed, just little scared and feeling bad about others bullying him again. He never told anyone about it before now.

Okay, when it happened also this girl was a kid. She was young teen and I do understand she probably didn't really grasp how dangerous thing it was they did. It wasn't her idea and she probably just went with the pack. She is a good kid who was involved in something really stupid (and mean) that could had ended really badly and luckily didn't, but it's probably not something she even thinks any more at all. She is fun girl and we have had a good rapport, but now I have hard time trying to psych myself up to behave like nothing would be any different with her. It's not my job to confront her with this in anyway and I'm sure it's not something she even really remembers (because she has not avoided me or anything, she does know I'm GFG's mother so if she felt guilty or something because of this I'm sure she would had been uncomfortable around me.) But it is very difficult for me to think working and chatting with her like nothing had changed when I'm waking up middle of the night in terror after dreaming about watching divers bringing up my child's cold and drowned body.

How on earth I'm going to make it through next month working with her?

[DDD]

Frankly I think you clearly have to find a way to cope with your delayed trauma completely separate from your GFG and from your workplace. I'm not sure what to suggest. A therapist. A trusted close friend. A minister. Someone who cares about your feelings and will help you put distance or some detachment comfortably in place.

As you know we often address the subject of detachment in the CD family. Almost always it is about distancing ourselves from our GFG's so we aren't absorbed by their behaviors. In your case the goal is to help you accept that poor choices were made some time ago that hurt your child...and worse yet, you know who caused the trauma. I can relate to your trauma because my PC had emotional trauma during a senior trip unbeknowst to me. (She is 50 and honestly I could get teary eyed if I allowed myself to think about it.) Like you I learned about it much later. She was not harmed..just scared..
and she survived it as a character builder. I have never repeated the story and I don't regret that because my children were always told they could "share anything" with me and not be afraid of betrayal. Good luck in find your way through this emotional time. You can do it. Caring hugs. DDD

[TerryJ2]

I would only make an exception because this girl was younger and stupid and probably had no idea how dangerous of an act it was. And maybe she actually feels guilty about it. You don't know because you haven't actually spoken to her about it.

I don't know how you let go. I'm still upset w/my DH for the time he took PC to a dock when he was working w/some biz people. They were all in suits, and she was about 2, and he waa not only not holding her in his arms, he was letting her walk on the dock by herself. He said, "Don't jump." All she heard was "jump."
He jumped in after her and couldn't find her, because it was a river, dark brown and muddy. The way he explained it, reaching his arms in a circle while his shoes sank deeper and deeper into the mud, still makes my heart race.
He said, "I was determined to find her even if I died trying."
W/o missing a beat, I said, "Good, because I would have killed you or you would have wished you were dead."

It's been 19 years and I still have to leave the room when he tells the story. I am NOT the one to help you!

[upallnight]

Do you have a fake little smile you can use when needed? Be a pro at your job and speak as little as possible to her. (hugs)

[DDD]

Terry, I would remain angry with DH for four decades. DUMB! Put our child in danger??? NOT!

Otoh, we are talking about a young girl not acting appropriately regarding a young boy. Or, in my case, a bunch of high school teens w/o adequate supervision leaving "my" child alone in Rome.

There is a difference. You don't forget but otoh you react differently because you are mature. Sigh. DDD

[Dammit Janet]

Odd, DDD, I got lost in Rome too and was absolutely terrified. Are you sure we arent related? Im also 50! Your pc isnt a boy is he?

[SuZir]

DDD, you hit the nail on the head. This really is my issue, not GFG's or this girl's. I can't fault GFG or even this girl for it.

When I had first nightmare about this and told my DH, he really didn't understand the problem. GFG is very clearly alive and at that time he was even in the next room and keeping enough noise to make it very clear that he wasn't dead. Dh said my problem was too vivid imagination. And he may have a point. But that is not all that is.

I think these dreams have a lot to do my overall anxiety, my general worry for GFG and just plain habit to fear for him. I think I saw my first nightmares about his death before he was born. Him getting seriously ill as a baby didn't help at all, or him being very accident prone after that. So these are not first nightmares about dead GFG (some reason I very seldom have had a nightmare about PC dying, maybe two or three ever) and that is something that clearly is my issue. Anxiety, stress, whatever.

Still it will be difficult seeing this girl Monday. I'm sure I can do polite but busy and distant, but that will be different from before and she may notice me behaving differently. I would prefer not anyone noticing anything, but I doubt I can manage as chatty and friendly than before.

[TerryJ2]

SuZir, a word of warning: she will notice your behavior.

[witzend]

SuZir, a word of warning: she will notice your behavior.

I think so, too. I think that it's important to your job and to your trust with GFG to not say anything. That being said, if she catches on and asks if there is something wrong or if you are ok, I would be honest with her. You already know that it is your issue rather than GFG's or her issue.

I think that if she says something you can say "I know it's silly of me to be upset about something that's done and over, but gfg told me about - - - - and it really upset me. It's a mom thing. I don't think that GFG realizes how dangerous that could have been, and I'm just so relieved that everyone is safe and sound." No blame, just truth.

[Dammit Janet]

I agree with those above. I also think you should get some therapy for yourself because it sounds like PTSD.

We just had a shooting of an officer in my town and I cant tell you how upsetting that was for me. Not only for the officers family and the police force in general in my town but my son works for a sheriffs department very close to Washington DC. It is a dangerous job even though my husband tends to make light of it. I cant make light of it. I know that at anytime we could get that call. First he went into the Marines and now he is working for the sheriffs department. Lovely, he wants to shorten my life by worrying me to death! However I know its what he loves to do and I cant live his life for him. Therapy helped me deal with the fact that I cant change whatever will happen will happen. He could die fall getting out of a bathtub. Heck, he slipped on some baby lotion that his daughter spilled on the carpet on the top of their stairs and fell down them while carrying her down them and darn near broke his back and broke her leg in two places!