Jumper is usually really compatible with me. Lately she's been snappy and snarky. I know it's partly the age...16. But I am starting to worry about her. She doesn't laugh so much anymore. So after she kept contradicting everything I said tonight and acted like a general grump and was mildly disrespectful, I told her that something is wrong and that I wanted to see her cell phone. She gave it to me and went off to play basketball (thank goodness she has her sports).
I found out what the problem is.
She told me she still texts with J. sometimes, but she didn't tell me that she begs him back. I read t heir conversation, feeling guilty about doing it (but worried about Jumper) and I was mortified. The entire conversation was her telling him she loved him and still wanted to be with him and would he please give them a chance? In the meantime, he was both saying that it isn't realistic since he's going to Indiana and that he couldn't trust her and that their breakup was her fault because she talked to other boys or some such stuff...he was always overly jealous. She never even looked at another boy. The scary part is, she still doesn't.
She was trying to pin him down as to when she could see him again. She asked him to come to one of her games and he said it's too hard, he works 60 hours a week. (I wish he'd just be honest and say he didn't want to go). He did make a vague suggestion: "IDK maybe thanksgiving." She said "Thanksgiving?" He said "IDK." Yada, yada. Whatever is in J's disturbed mind, he doesn't trust her (which is dumb), but he's right about college. Meanwhile Jumper is not only pining over him still, and not moving on, but she's begging him back, something I thought she had too much dignity to do. Never underestimate the lack of respect for oneself a teen in love may have! :/ She kept saying "I love you. I only want you. I pretend everything is okay, but it's not. I wait for you every night to text me." Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
Ok, I want to know what to do and I need suggestions fast. I am going to be honest and tell her that I saw the messaging between her and J. and the fact that I now know that this is why she has been so sad and angry (which is why I wanted her phone in the first place), I want to say a lot of things, but don't know if even one of them is appropriate.
I want to say:
1/I think you need to go for counseling. This is dragging on too long and I think you need to talk to somebody. (She won't agree or like it, but she'll still go if I set up an appt.)
2/I REALLY want to say "I don't want you to ever talk to J. again. It is holding you back." (I don't see how I could either say that or make it stick, which is the sad part. I wish he'd stop answering her texts and never text her at all. And sometimes he says he still loves her.That doesn't help either. He is also making it clear that they are not together anyhow, whether he still loves her or not.)
3/Tell her that I'm glad I now know why she is upset, but that it is not ok to take it out on the rest of the family. And leave it at that?
4/Lecture her about moving on, but I tried that and it did no good. She said, "I don't want to."
I'm really sorry I let her go out with him. I never thought it would turn out like this. She isn't like other teenage girls who flit from guy to guy. I mean, I wish she were. She is totally obsessed with him, and he's older than her and is continuing to lead her on by texting her. I feel like writing him a letter telling him it's best not to contact her anymore, but I feel like that is going way too far in the meddling department. But that is really what would be best for Jumper.
Now on the good side, Jumper still sees her friends and plays sports, but she definitely stays away from other guys (and guys used to be her best friends) because she is sort of waiting for J. And J. isn't coming. He isn't even that nice in his texts nor was he always that nice to her while they were dating. In fact, reading his texts about how she couldn't be trusted was getting me angry. This girl sat and waited for him and only him. She had no interest in other boys...and J. never did believe that.
What's a mother to do?
For anyone who wants to tell me I shouldn't have checked her cell phone, please don't answer.When my kids are in trouble, and they won't tell me what's wrong, I feel it's ok to look. She knew I was going to do it. I didn't sneak and I don't need a lecture. I need some advice. Jumper just isn't Jumper anymore, yet I don't know if it's bad enough for counseling, which she doesn't want?
I'll put the question this way: If this had happened to your child and you knew it was continuing like this, what would you do? Thanks to all in advance.