Jumper will never have a get together at ouro house...I'm angry and hurt

[flutterby]

I wasn't "hostile" to the idea, I just think it's a bad idea.

[Nancy]

Hmmm I realize I may not know the background here and so I should probably just butt out. But why would a parent not want to know who the teens are that their child is hanging with? Isn't that normal behavior? Even if that teen has never given you cause to worry why would you not be on heightened alert when you notice they do not want their friends coming to your house? We hear every day from parents who say their child was a pc until age such-and-such and then they got involved in drugs and turned into a gfg. I think there is a balance between being over involved in your young teen's life and being a parent who is concious of the temptations in todays world and wants to make sure their child is hanging with good influences. What am I missing?

Also given the fact that obviously MWM's pc just recently broke up with her bf and is havig a very difficult time, is even more reason to want to stay close to the situation. She is at a vulnerable time and not the time to shut out her biggest support group.

Now I think once you find out that her friends are appropriate then it's time to back off. I know of a lot of parents who just assumed their kid was fine and what they didn't know was quite a different story. I'm not saying that is the case here but why do all the professionals strongly urge parents to keep make sure they know their kids friends if it isn't important?

OK off my soapbox and back to just lurking. I'm sure my experiences have colored my feelings.

Nancy

[hearts and roses]

MWM has stated that she does trust jumpers friends and that she knows they are a decent crowd of kids.

Mwm's reactions seem to be coming more from her own hurt of feeling left out than out of concern that jumper is in with a bad crowd.

Of course every parent should be watching with both eyes wide open and ears to the walls, etc. However, there also comes a time when as parents, if everything is in order, to back off and allow them to grow and be independent of us.

And due to the recent break up, I would also be on high alert but I would not make my daughter stay home until she agreed to host a party. Not everyone is cut out to play hostess. My PC, for example loves playing hostess...gfg? Not at all. Just saying.

[InsaneCdn]

I haven't had time to read ALL the posts... I read the early ones, then kept this on the 'back burner'...
But there may be an additional factor at play.

At this age, some people are allowed a "free ride" with the group. But among adults, at least in any circle I've been in, that doesn't happen. If you're always a "guest" and never the "host", eventually you stop getting invited.

Not learning how to pull off the 'host' role may hurt Jumper in the long run.

For a minimum, she should be "co-hosting" - even if it is at somebody else's place. For her own good, she has to get past the "free ride" mindset.

JMO... of course.

[Signorina]

Pc18 doesn't like to host. He has 2 super close friends who come here & spend the night -but only these 2 -and they've been best friends since age 4. And he actually likes being at their houses better.

I was DYING to host a x-county team dinner, we have the space, I love to cook; its right up my alley! (I did the FB team dinners for gfg for 2 years!) PC18 was "no way." He begrudgingly hosted pre-homecoming pictures here but only bc they had nowhere else to go & his gf wanted them here! Same with post prom his jr year, but he refused to do it again his sr year.

Anywho-it's because PC likes the sanctity of his home. He doesn't want his friends running wild (apparently the X-C team dinners were a mob scene), he likes his home to be his comfort zone. Nothing more, nothing less. He's not ashamed of us or our house, he just likes it to be HIS. He's not one to have casual acquaintances over. I think it's quirky, but it's also just who he is.

PC15 & gfg had friends coming thru at all times...it's really more of a comfort level/personality thing.

I hope this reassures you a bit.

[MidwestMom]

I'm sticking to my guns. Before my daughter (or any of my other kids) were ever allowed to go over to other's homes, I had to call the parents to talk to them and I wasn't above asking, "There will be no drugs or alcohol and somebody will be home all night?" I had parents who thanked me for calling saying, "Wow. Most parents just drop them off and don't care." In fact, most were very happy to tell me and to complain about the parents who liked them to be babysitters.

There is an element of feeling left out here, BUt I never really pushed it when Jumper was with Joe. Joe is so anti-drug, anti-everything-bad (and this is not an act) that I trusted her completely when she went places with him. He was older and protective and would have brought her home if anything bad had been going on. Now she is on her own, and grieving her boyfriend and in a vulnerable mindset and I don't know any of these kids Joe and Nicole have been hanging around with for the last year. It could be that Joe HAS brought her home when stuff got too heavy. I can't ask him. He's no longer around and since I'm an adult, I'm not sure he'd tell me. I did find out, from one mother herself, that she not only allows her daughter and daughter's boyfriend to sleep together in their home (daughter is on birth control), but that she hands out booze to the kids as long as they stay overnight. Her rationale is, "Id' rather have them drink here than drive."

I hope I didn't look too shocked, and this girl is not Jumper's friend, but they play basketball together. It is common for kids to go for a "team bonding" to somebody's house after a basketball game and I am SURE glad I learned about this kid's home. I wouldn't allow Jumper over there for any reason now. It's illegal to give alcohol to anyone under twenty-one and I don't want any mother deciding that it's ok for Jumper to have a few beers as long as she doesn't drive home. I'm not sure all the mothers whose k ids go over there know what she is doing. She was quite proud of her behavior, btw.

I really, really, really doubt that Jumper's friends parents do these things, but they are ALL drinkers. And, as a group, they get together to drink and party often. To the very best of my knowledge they would be appalled that this woman is giving alcohol to minors. But I want to make sure that it doesn't happen. Jumper's birthfather is a career drug addict, often in jail, so the gene for alcoholism is likely there and I don't want her pressured to drink. Joe was very anti-drinking (even in some club against drinking) and there was never any hint of alcohol on either of them when they were together. Again, Jumper is in a vulnerable position now. She misses Joe. She doesn't even care about having another boyfriend. She only misses Joe and I know she is very sad about the breakup. She is now only out with her girlfriends, kids that I know casually. Kids whose parents I don't really know more than to say "hi." Some are parents whom I think drink way too much (I have seen no indication that they share with the kids).

Jumper has never been told she can't go somewhere. All she is being told is that I want to meet the parents and get to know her friends. She is talking about throwing a party after volleyball on Monday. That would be a good start. I am going with her tomorrow to buy a volleyball/badmitten set for our back yard. There is no reason on earth why Jumper can't have these get togethers at our house as well as going to other's homes. To be absolutely honest, Joe used to be at our house all the time, and guess who REALLY played host? ME! I could buy a cooler, stash drinks and order pizza and Jumper wouldn't have to do a thing.

I'm sure some of the basketball moms wonder why we haven't had a "team bonding" at OUR house, and this year...we will.

[DDD]

In the past I have been pleased that you and Jumper do end up sharing your thoughts and communicate pretty freely. I have admired that you acknowledge your own vulnerabilities and use "the family" as a way to seek parenting balance. Now you are in the midst of big changes. You have genuine worries about your son and his family. You are relieved that Jumper's romance is over but conversely you are a little fearful of what her future may bring.

Even though I was older I purposely became part of the parent group for PC/GFG. We all attended every game and every practice. We all volunteered at the school together. When they became early teens there was always at least two or three parents in the midst of their parties. The group all were involved in sports, cheer, church etc. The parents were usually social drinkers but not demonstrating poor habits to the kids.

Three of us ended up with GFG substance abusing kids before high school was over. Probably another four turned to s.a. in college. Even if you are tight as ticks with your teen imho there is NO way to "know" what their choices are going to be and if they believe they are loved and trusted....chances are great they will make wise choices. Statistics indicate that "some" are going to go off path. It's hard parenting teens. I have faith in you. DDD

[hearts and roses]

Ultimately, you know jumper best and are the most qualified on how to proceed with her, comfort her, help her break out and explore areas of life she hasn't experienced and keep her safe. Your immense love for her comes through in ever post; I have no doubt you will know what to do at every turn and she's lucky to have you as her mom.

[DDD]

H&R as my Daddy used to say "you are right as rain". Perfect response. DDD

[TeDo]

I think it's funny how you've gone from

The other moms all know the group of kids, but I don't. . . . . I want to know the kids too and I feel very awful that she will never bring the kids to our house. Are WE so terrible? Is the house THAT awful?

which basically implies that you are feeling very left out since other moms are included and you aren't

to

Joe is so anti-drug, anti-everything-bad (and this is not an act) that I trusted her completely when she went places with him.

I really, really, really doubt that Jumper's friends parents do these things, but they are ALL drinkers. And, as a group, they get together to drink and party often. To the very best of my knowledge they would be appalled that this woman is giving alcohol to minors. But I want to make sure that it doesn't happen. Jumper's birthfather is a career drug addict, often in jail, so the gene for alcoholism is likely there and I don't want her pressured to drink. Joe was very anti-drinking (even in some club against drinking) and there was never any hint of alcohol on either of them when they were together. Again, Jumper is in a vulnerable position now. She misses Joe. She doesn't even care about having another boyfriend. She only misses Joe and I know she is very sad about the breakup. She is now only out with her girlfriends, kids that I know casually. Kids whose parents I don't really know more than to say "hi." Some are parents whom I think drink way too much (I have seen no indication that they share with the kids).

where the focus is now all about knowing the friends to make sure there's no drugs or alcohol involved. It sounds simply like that premise is your guise or excuse to put yourself "in the crowd". I just hope and pray it doesn't backfire on you and I am serious about my concern for you.