Mothers and Daughters in Law (grmph)

[StepTo2]

I do not understand some people.

I mentioned over in General that RTC was sending Onyxx home for T-day, but that she can't be around people the RTC hasn't approved (which makes a LOT of sense really). This actually is a good thing, IMO - I get to skip the huge gathering, I get to have dinner MY way, and we have close family time. And, no one had hit me with plans yet, except my parents, who will be out of town...

So I messaged FIL, SIL and MIL: "I don't know what you are doing for Thanksgiving, but... We have Onyxx. The RTC is shut down, so we will have her Weds-Sun. What that means is... She is not allowed to be around anyone the RTC has not approved AND we have to be with her 24/7. So, and here's the hard part, I am asking that family not drop by at all from the 23rd through the 27th."

SIL asked if there was anything she could do for us NOT at our house, LOL.

FIL wanted to know how to get approved. B/c we HAD to come over for turkey. Well, no - and nephew lives with him. I promised nephew I would not knowingly put him and Onyxx together after her accusations. He is still bewildered and hurt by that. So no, we're NOT going over. Regardless, at least FIL was trying to be proactive.

But MIL... Responded with: "I am SO SORRY you will have such a lousy Thanksgiving. Of course I will stay away."

WTH? Did I say we would have a lousy time? NO! I'm trying to plan for a good time, regardless of the situation! Am I thrilled with the situation? No. Am I going to make the best of it? YES!

Did I tell her to stay away? NO! I asked her not to "drop by". (I'd like it if they called first every time, KWIM?! They don't, though. My parents do...)

I just do NOT understand this mentality. And this isn't the first time. She badmouths DH to me. Me to DH. SIL/FIL/nephew/niece/Jett/Onyxx to me. Me to them and them to each other. And horrible stuff (a lot of it untrue) about bio to the kids. And then says stuff like, "I so wish [DH and SIL] could be close. I know they just don't like one another and I just don't know what to do about it." (Uh, get a clue, lady, SIL and DH like each other just fine, and are a heckuva lot closer than they are to MIL.) This woman is a licensed counselor. WHY can she not understand what she is trying to do is making the family not want to be around her?

Truthfully, Jett is the only one who really likes her, and that's b/c she lets him play video games the entire time he visits and she has ferrets. That's all.

I love her, she's part of DH. But dang it all, she's such a manipulator - and it just doesn't work!

I'm a person who refuses to get involved in family feuds, especially since she and FIL have been divorced for thirty years! But if she doesn't QUIT saying horrible things about my husband, son and daughter... She's going to be shut out. Yes, I know we all have our issues. But my DH is not LAZY, my son is not STUPID and my daughter has SERIOUS issues but is not "just a druggie (promiscuous girl... Board censor doesn't like that word)".

...And even DH agrees with me...

[Hound dog]

She's one of those counselor's that got into the business because she feeds off drama.

Not much you can do about it except ignore it because it doesn't seem like she will ever see it. I'm starting to see though where BM got a lot of her issues perhaps.

Enjoy your time with onyxx as best you can and otherwise don't worry about it. It is what it is.

Hugs

[DDD]

Ok, hit me with a wet noodle, lol. I don't know the lady but there are only so many things that could be said in response to the news. "Have a great holiday" would sound insincere. "I hope you all have a wonderful weekend" would be about right. But...she knows (l) you all can't celebrate as usual (2) you will have to be hyper vigilant for multiple days (3) there's no telling how the visit will go and most of all she knows that the past couple of years have been extremely stressful. Even if she is a PIA on a regular basis...I think the upcoming stress probably has everyone on edge. I'm always on your team, Step, but with this one I think her spontaneous reaction was not intended to be hurtful. Hugs. DDD

[Bunny]

Thanksgiving is going to be a stressfull weekend for you and you have alot of things to think about while Onyxx is home. Tell FIL where to go. I don't blame you for feeling the way that you do. It's hard enough to parent kids like ours, but it gets even harder when you have someone running you down, and them, down every chance that they get.

[StepTo2]

Lisa - no, that's not bio's mother, that's DH's mother!!!

Bio's mother is a whole nother ball of wax. SHE wants to take Jett to Tennessee for 2 weeks. Starting this Friday. Umm... SCHOOL?

But I digress.

DDD - yes, actually, you have a point (no wet noodles). This is just the way she is. I don't think she MEANS to be so negative and hurtful - except - she is very choosy about what she says and to who. And she'll lie about what she said. I am not surprised DH had a relationship with bio - it was what he knew! I'm the surprise there, or so he says. And if she's got her feelings hurt? Which is what I think happened here - she gets really defensive and sometimes nasty about it. And of course, I did just tell her not to come over. (It took me over an hour to write that little message so I wouldn't hurt people's feelings. Pfft.)

My response was, "LOL Mom, everything will be just fine. Just wanted to keep you in the loop. Love you!"

[Hound dog]

ooooOOOOOooooh! Oops! Wrong mother. lol

Still, many people get into counseling because they're drama addicts. People tell me I'd make an awesome counselor.......and I wont bother because I can't stand what drama I have in my life (as little as possible) I sure as heck don't want to spend my days listening to other people's.

But like DDD said........maybe mil opened her mouth without thinking first. I mean Onyxx was not happy out her placement.....so maybe she's thinking she's not going to be so pleasant to be around.

[susiestar]

Some poeple just cannot cope w/o a lot of drama/backstabbing in their lives. If you let her know that you won't speak to her if she continues to badmouth the people you love, she will likely try to therapize you out of the idea that she isn't "helping" or being appropriate, and if you just refuse to discuss things if she is out of line, eventually she iwll either get the point or go away.

I would have a hard time with your mil's badmouthing as a regular course of behavior too. I feel bad for her clients. How much can she be helping them if that is how she treats family?

I hope you end up having a nice time on Thanksgiving.

[hearts and roses]

I can just sit here and nod...I know exactly what you mean by her not MEANING to say it that way, for her, it's just par for the course. I get it, I really do.

An example would be when my neice was around 14 or so and still had her baby fat, not fat at all by any stretch of the imagination, but you know, she was curvy. MIL said to her, "You know, you're looking a bit fat. You'd think with all the sports you play that you'd be thin" - I thought my sil was going to deck her. Mil is a nurse and seems to make everyone's health her business and makes comments about regardless of who is around. We were at a family function one summer and she announced to my bil "T, you're looking very fat!! Why??". You could have heard a pin drop. She once told pc that she had ring worm. Pc didn't have ringworm, she has exzema! But pc freaked out all day and night until mil left before asking me if she had ringworm.

I got along GREAT with my exh's mom. Likewise with every bf I had before that. I'm pretty sure if you don't get along with your mil, it's an indication that the marriage is perfectly suited. LOL. It's like there is some unspoken rule or something! Just remember, there are always exceptions to the rule. lol.

[StepTo2]

LOL well... Yes, one exception is XH's mother... I didn't like her, much, either. We got along. Actually, though, better than me and current MIL.

And yeah, I told her and FIL years ago I would not listen to it. He stopped. She won't. And I'm done with it.

[DDD]

Yep, lol, your holiday should be interesting. I'm hoping O savors the time at home. DDD