My Trip Home & My Mom.......very long sorry

[Hound dog]

Nichole and I headed to my hometown Sat morning, a 6 hour trip to Illinois, to see my Mom who had been literally begging me to come home.........then had drummed up some legal/money issue to make me think it was an urgent need for me to come home. I have seen my Mom at least once a year, but the last time I stepped foot in my hometown was 15 yrs ago. Money, cars that wouldn't make it, life in general getting in the way.......the fact that I hate the drive, lots of reasons. But the girls had promised my teary eyed mom last year when she visited us that we'd visit her this year, and well, I have an issue about promises. If I make a promise, I keep it. No excuses. (I rarely promise anything for this reason) So......Nichole mapped out a rural highway route and we headed off. Timing made it so that we were able to get there on her 75th birthday.

The drive with Nichole was quite simply a blast. She'd never driven that distance before and she successfully navigated the cincy interstate just fine after only 2 hrs of sleep. We did great following her mapped out route. It was lovely scenery along the way, no boring put you to sleep interstate.

The joy in my Mom's eyes when she answered the door was worth it. Honestly it was. Each time I see her though it's like a fist in the heart because since I don't see her often I notice every new change.

I noticed almost immediately she can't keep straight who she is talking to (by name I mean) or who she is talking about......I'm not quite sure if she doesn't sometimes forget who you are for a few minutes. I also noticed immediately, because I had an overfull bladder, that she is writing her name and address on every single object she feels she either needs or wants to keep from a bottle of Lysol floor cleaner to pillow cases. (no joke that was disturbing to see) I asked her about it and she said it's because people keep coming into the house and taking her things. Random items from valuable things (to her at least) to silly little items no one would possibly want. This part is the paranoid schizo junk I've deal with my entire life, so at least I'm familiar with it. It disturbs me because it means it's reached a whole new level. But I know why it has. She shows the classic signs of dementia. So with "forgetting" often........yeah. And she does forget often. I thought my short term memory was bad until I saw hers. omg Not all the time. Hers seems to be random too......but I noticed an increase when there are more people around and she's trying to do more than one thing at a time. (including talking to more than one person at a time)

These are not things I've noticed on the phone. Most likely because she's only talking to me. And well, when she does the name mix up thing I just attributed it to age and inserted the right name myself and thought nothing of it. Because shoot I didn't threaten to name pc Talisasue (Tami, Lisa, Sue) for nothing. She's always had times when she mixed up our names. kwim? But in her home......with other things I saw.......dementia. She's not only forgetting but losing time and mixing up sequences of events.

Physically.....wow. That was an eye opener. Mom neglects to tell me when she has medical procedures done. I found out about the hip replacements and cataract surgeries after the fact, same with the heart surgeries. Fortunately my eldest sis came and took care of her. While sis is not exactly the most mentally stable person either (bipolar unmediated) she did take pretty good care of Mom during that time. She walks just fine. But many years back she fell and the way she landed face forward hands down on the pavement shattered both arms & shoulders. The next year, she did it again. After that she regained use and seemed to be fine well.......I didn't notice much last year but she came here and she just sits and visits so I'm not going to see much either. It's agony for her to move her hands up above her shoulders. I have no clue how she manages to do her hair, even to brush it or to dress. It does explain her new obsession with button front shirts when she used to hate them. She can't lift a pot to the stove without much difficulty.

Driving.....omg. It's not her eyes now, even with the glaucoma. Once she had the eye surgery for the cataracts she sees better than I do. It's the well heck I dunno what it is.....confusion maybe? I asked her to take me to some of the places of my childhood. We could've taken Nichole's car except mom loaded it down with possessions. (I'll get back to this) So Mom is driving. Now I grew up in a rural city of about 100,000 people. But I spent as much time in smaller rural towns where my grandma, mom and aunts and uncles grew up. I wanted Nichole to see the small town that her great great grandfather founded, which is also where my grandma is buried. So she's driving through town and it's not so bad except by now I've realized turning it hard for her because she has to ooch the steering wheel due to her shoulders. Several times I had to help her make turns from the passenger seat while pretending oh I just do this everyday for people, ya know. omg We get out of town. These are rural highways she's driven her entire life. We come to a place in the highway where they've made a turn lane with a medium for the opposite direction........she's chatting away and she took the wrong way around the medium and was now driving on the wrong side of the road. I didn't freak because there was no other traffic except us at the time. (thank god) Instead I calmly said Mom you might want to get over on your own side of the road and be careful not to over compensate when you do it...........and I got to the not over compensate part when she DID over compensate and jerked the car so hard that I thought I might have to take control of the wheel. But I kept talking calmly to her as if I have near death misses like that every morning after one cup of coffee and she calmed down and did ok. But she was confused about what she'd done wrong and could not figure out how she'd wound up in the wrong lane. I told her not to worry about it. Once we got to the cemetery I was taking over the driving. Scary part of that is she'd just passed her driving exam. Holy Moses!

While we were visiting with her.........I noticed in the bedroom she had Nichole and I using she had all the old family photos lined up on the dresser. So I asked her about it as it's a rather odd thing to see. They were not in frames and many of these photos she would not display like that because when I say old I'm talking about my great grandmother......Yeah. She said she put them out there so whoever is coming in taking things won't have to dig through stuff and take them, they could just take them and be done with it. So then she decided I and Nichole needed to take the ones we wanted. No wasn't an option. So I took ones precious to me & also ones that I knew were precious to her. The latter I did with good reason, the paranoia. (stay with me, I'll explain) Next, she started on her home decor. Nichole and I argued with her. Her home is literally full of home interior decor from the 80's when she bought the house and an aunt of mine sold it......several thousand dollars of the stuff (god only knows what it could go for now as it's considered "vintage") beautiful stuff that my step dad made her buy because my aunt needed the money and he hated plain walls while Mom loves plain walls. I was shocked when she bought it and put it up because I knew the mother I knew would never ever do such a thing. But still, we didn't just want to take her stuff. Well then she explains she is just waiting for my bro's to get out of the house so she can contact the realtor and get it up for sale and get the hades out of town. She plans to take NOTHING with her except some clothes. So........we spent the first day upon arrival loading Nichole's car to bursting with items she was determined to give us. I learned with MIL........go with the flow, if it's what they want, it's what they want, it makes them feel better to know it went to someone who will enjoy and appreciate it.

In the middle of that I told her several times that when she calls me in the next few days sobbing because someone took her photos and the decor and such that she was determined we have, I'm going to tell her it is over here and it's safe. She kept telling me she wouldn't do that, but I know that call is coming. And I'll talk her down like I always do and she'll feel better. Here she knows it's safe, whether from an imaginary thief or not. kwim? Bro also knows we took it and that she was opening basically forcing us to because he arrived to visit during it.

Ok. So Mom just has to show me younger bro's farm. Now I really don't give jack squat about bro's farm. The man is renting for one thing, so big deal, he might be there 6 mos. lol But with Mom, you go with the flow. So we go to bro's farm. It's not really a big deal except when we arrived the fine hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Then Mom needed to use the bathroom and I needed a cigarette so stay outside with bro. He asked me to please watch her closely, said he wouldn't tell me why, but please watch her and he'd talk to me later about it. I said that's fine I would. Then Mom has to take me on the Grand Tour (she does this with everyone in a new place) and I get chills to go with the hairs on the back of my neck thing. Oh goody.

Why? Because I recognize the house immediately. In fact, so much so that I could've given my Mom the tour. I dreamed about my bro's farmhouse some 15 plus yrs ago shortly before my grandpa died. Swear to heaven above. Everything was the exact same. And this is one of those old farm houses that start off teeny and get added on to a room at a time so come out looking strange in the floor plan so it's not like I might have seen one like it.......kwim? In the dream we were gathered in what is the sunroom, all us kids discussing a very serious topic of grave importance. Now I couldn't quite catch what that topic was, these dreams don't always work that way. So when my grandpa died I assumed that it had to do with that. I often get warnings someone I care about is about to pass. (and that's about what it takes to get us all in one spot at the same time so it was a reasonable assumption ) So I'm standing there in that same sun room thinking to myself WTH?? Then I step back outside........I'd also stepped outside in the dream for a break in the rather intense discussion........and suddenly got a different view of the grain silos and barns and omg......there we go again. ugh Threw me right off stride.

Now I'm telling things out of order because I'm tired. Bro's farm was saturday in the middle of loading up the car because we were supposed to have supper together. I'd tried to take Mom to Red Lobster but she insisted on going to a church dinner instead. So, I'd not seen very much of her current condition at that time.

I did tell Nichole on the way home that I'd dreamed of bro's farm and now I was sort of wth with the meaning........what was being discussed. I told her I was glad we'd went home. As I was wondering with the drastic rapid changes I was seeing just how much time Mom might have left.......I sort of wondered if it meant we were going to lose her soon, because it wouldn't be a stretch that the serious discussion to be like a reading of the will type thing.

But then bro called to see if I'd observed anything during my visit with mom. And I knew where he was going before he even said it. It's obvious it's not safe for her to live alone anymore. I saw enough to convince me of that even in the short time I was there. Sure she might keep her bills paid ect but daily living activities are too much for her for the most part. You can't cook if you can't lift your pans and you can't compensate for that by eating out if you can't drive to get there. That alone is enough that she needs to have someone with her. And I told him what I observed. He said well, he didn't want to "put her away" or anything like that because it would just set the paranoia off full tilt and she'd be in a living hades all her own until the day she died and well......he can't do that to her. He'd like to see her go to family like myself or sis in texas, but he doesn't want her doing that without us seeing what we'd be taking on and able to judge if we could handle it. I assured him I could not only handle mom with dementia, I could handle her paranoia......I mean c'mon, I'd been trying to get them out of denial about that for years now! omg He had to live with her all this time for it to smack him across the face. I knew in no uncertain terms in HS. geez! Sis in texas? Won't believe a word he says. Won't admit mom has a darned thing. Is siding with mom that it is all bro and Stormy trying to make mom think she's crazy.

Now........while bro is no saint, he's always been a momma's boy if you get my drift. He loves her. In the past he's always been the one to come do for her. Yes, we all know that Stormy is playing the situation to her advantage, and yes I had no doubt that sneaky little so and so has been playing with Mom's head from the first moment mom enforced a rule. Stormy has never been forced to follow rules. And it took bro nearly too long to catch on that Stormy was messing with mom and making mom's symptoms over the top worse. He's since nailed her fanny to the barn door over it and so far even Mom says she's backed off for the most part, but she's still pulling stuff. It just took mom calling the cops and going to have Stormy not only hauled off to jail but cause bro to lose custody for his eyes to open. Because even crazy mom won't usually go that far so he started paying closer attention to what the kid was doing.

But bro says that mom has good & bad days. He doesn't know if she's got Alzheimer's or just dementia on top of the schizo but the combination makes living with her a nightmare. He understands that the memory issues and the losing time (I saw this, he's not lying) making her get things out of sequence is not only triggering the paranoia but actively making it worse. He just doesn't know how to help her and he is frustrated beyond his limits. He told me of many more symptoms, and honestly.......knowing what I both saw and know about Mom, while I can't be totally positive, it's not only believable but reasonable given the circumstances. He says we all need to get together to discuss how we're going to handle this.

And so now I know what that serious discussion thing in the farmhouse that I now know is my bro's farmhouse is all about. Holy Smokes. (and yes, I sometimes get dreams such as this many many years in advance.....like I said I don't understand the rules)

[Hound dog]

This is going to be a major nightmare. I don't see any way around it at this point. Mom will not admit she's paranoid schizo. I got her on meds once because I used totally different reasons to get her to a pdoc and I made her read me her meds (knowing they'd be new ones unfamiliar to her and not in her outdated drug book) were, so I know he was treating her for it. She did very well until she decided she didn't need them and flushed them 2 months later. I've not been able to get her to go back. That was about 6 yrs ago. *sigh* She has just enough presence of mind that should you even remotely hint at that dx or any type of mental illness she's going to go ballistic in 0.5 seconds. The chance of us getting her to voluntarily getting her to go is zero. (I got lucky once, it won't happen again) But as long as the dementia and schizo are playing off each other, she's a danger to self and others. So anyone who has her living with her is in for one hellova wild ride. I knew that when I left there today, before bro called me when I got home.

Sis from texas is coming up around sept 9th. She's not sure of the exact date yet cuz her husband has to give 30 days notice for a vacation. I suspected that she might be coming up with the intent on taking Mom home with her. Bro confirmed that he was thinking the same thing. He's worried if that is the case sis is biting off more than she can chew. Mom hates her dh with a passion and it's certain to keep the paranoia in high gear. Sis, well, sis can't handle that sort of thing. She has no medical background. She has no mental health background. Two of her kids are major gfgs and she chose her terminate treatment because she didn't want the neighbors to talk sort of deal. So the odds of mom getting any treatment with her, especially with her being in denial about mom's mental health is very low at best.

Nichole told mom we'd be back in sept. Sort of surprised me because she didn't discuss it with me first and two because it might or might not be possible. And Nichole knows how I am concerning promises. It just sort of came pouring out of Nichole's mouth which is unlike Nichole. When Nichole was small the two did NOT get along to put it mildly.

I can still take mom here. I have the medical knowledge and experience. I have the psych experience both with gfgs and working a psych unit with Alzheimer's and schizo patients. Of all her kids, I'm the one she trusts to give her the straight sh*t, good or bad. I know how to talk to her, how to reason with her, how to talk her down and out of a psychotic episode. (at least to the point where she is calm and no longer a danger) I am the only reasonable choice.

Good grief. I don't mind bringing her here. I told her I would. I told bro that. But I also told him I'm not sure living with any family is going to be doable if we can't think of a way to get her schizo medicated with or without her knowledge. Sis could not do it. Mom might last 2 wks there tops. Then there would be the issue of getting her to other family (me) because she'd be clear down in texas, I'm in ohio.

If not family, I dunno if assisted living would work given her current mental condition. In a new environment filled with strangers could send her right off the deep end. Bro and I agree on that. Nursing home would be the same issue multiplied by a thousand because then she'd view it as we locked her away type deal. Either situation could induce violence in short order. The nursing home would see to it she was properly medicated, whether she liked it or not. I'm not sure about assisted living, I'd have to call and check.

I dunno if what all mom is telling me about bro and stormy is true or not. I know bro swears it's her memory issues coupled with lost time ect and the paranoia. I have seen enough in Stormy to know she's doing all she can to exacerbate the issues for her own gain. I know bro would not do that, though. Older bro maybe, but not younger.

When I left mom told me she's getting the boys out (both bros are currently staying with her) and putting the house up for sale and leaving. She doesn't yet know if she's coming here or texas. (she's certain younger bro is out to get her put away, older bro refuses to get involved) Older bro is living with her because he's separated yet again and has no where else to go (except the house he owns and he's letting ex live in). Younger bro is staying with her again because the farm house caught on fire and landlord is nearly done with repairs. He'll be back there within the week. Stormy has stayed with a friend because she's not allowed back and mom's house.

Sorry this turned out so long. So much for me going to bed early tonight. *sigh*

For the past several years there is just something about the month of august that is making me learn to hate this month. Oh.....wait I know........bff died in august, mil died in august, dh had his heart attack in august..............all within 2 yrs. Crud. And now Mom.

Just sitting here shaking my head.

Other than all this crud, it was a nice visit. Lots of laughs. Got to see my 2nd cousin Marilyn who is like 85 and the sweetest human being I've ever known in my whole life, never have I heard her say 1 bad thing about someone, pass one hint of gossip.........which I find pretty amazing as the rest of us are human. She's a nun, but I think she'd be that way regardless. Loved talking to her again and she's doing great considering her age, better than mom or my two aunts for certain. Got to take Nichole to some childhood memory places, even if they were tore down. She got to see her first (and probably last) street made of brick in the 1800's. Nichole did great driving, even though on the way back we wound up in a great adventure right smack in the middle of Cincy going from the very poorest area to the very wealthiest before getting on the right track for home. lol

[StepTo2]

Wow, Lisa... Wow... That's a lot to happen, even in a small amount of time.

And... I know you can take care of your Mom, but... Hon... You have so much going on with you...

[DDD]

Hound, I'm not sure what to say. I am glad that you made the trip safely, saw relatives and did have some fun. Otoh, my CD friend, I have to admit I am greatly concerned that taking on the care of your Mom might really damage your peace of mind and health. My best wishes, however, are always with you. Hugs DDD

[Hound dog]

Yes, I have the same concerns about taking care of Mom, especially with the safety issues. And safety is right at the top of the list as number 1.

I love her. We've manage to build a rather close relationship over recent years. But I won't put Travis and my safety in jeopardy to care for her. I know better than anyone in the family what my mother is capable of doing during a psychotic break. She's attempted to end my life more than once in years past. (not as herself mind you, but you know what I mean) Bringing her here would mean that would be a very real possibility given the opportunity and the right circumstances. Which I would not do. She'd be on the ground floor and we'd be on the upper floor and it would take a lot out of her just to get up my steps. But it would also put the furbabies in possible danger and they'd be on the ground floor with her. And there are just the general safety issues as well. Turning on the gas stove and forgetting it's on.......ect.

So........that would have to be settled in my mind how I would/could cope with that and she'd have to be medicated properly. Since I don't see her cooperating with the meds, it's not looking like that is going to happen.

When I told her she could come stay with me I had no idea she was as bad as she is. She is already nearly to the point of not being able to live with family. Simply because the paranoia is just so very difficult to deal with. Ok, forget difficult, it can be pure hades on earth to deal with day in and day out.

I am the logical person to care for mom at this stage.

That does not mean I'm necessarily going to do so.

I'm not stupid. I know the reality that is my mother, and I've got a pretty realistic view of how she probably is now although I got to see her on two "good days." My health and my own issues post tbi is making the odds of her coming here very low, if at all. IF she did, it could only be with assisted living which would devolve into full nursing care as she grew worse or a nursing home when her funds finally played out. That would be the only way.

Honestly, I'm fairly sure she's going to wind up with sis in texas. Sis has a MIL addition to her house she had build specifically for mom. Mom has totally forgotten (at least while I was there) that she ever owned/loved her dog putzie, so she is back to hating dogs........I have 2 in the house, one that is a puppy. Mom hats cats. I have Bruce. So I'm thinking even Mom is thinking sis in texas but won't tell me that for fear of hurting my feelings.

Or mom might drive straight into another car head on before any of us can even discuss it and it will be a moot point completely. Or turn on the gas for her stove, go hunting for matches, forget she turned on the stove, and lights a match and BOOM!

The last, is bro's major fear. He's afraid of who she'll take with her when it happens as well.

While I love my mom, I think I'm going to be sitting this one out and just help from the sidelines as much as I can........which is quite a bit. Sis in texas' health is far far better than mine and she has her dh there to help, even if mom can't stand him.

This hoovers major though.

[witzend]

When it rains, it pours, I guess. Honestly, if you feel up to it, and your mother will be ok with it, I'd start looking into arrangements. There's no way I'd do it without some sort of legal authority, though. She'd have to sell the house and her possessions, and she'd have to make financial contributions to my household. You're having enough financial difficulties without adding a sick old woman to the burden. You should feel comfortable making decisions as to her care and health and not have to consult the rest of the family for mutual agreement.

What would happen if you said you'd take mom, but mom had to see a doctor so that you could be up to date with her blood pressure meds, etc., before she comes to you. My friend Beth's husband has early onset dementia, and is in a facility at aged 59. He's on medications which he is non-compliant with, and they just stuff it into ice cream for him. I understand that there are patches, as well. I'd help her bathe and dress and slap a long acting one in the middle of her back if need be. But I'd really want her to be med compliant. Moving will be a big stress for her that may very well put her over the edge far more than what you've seen already.

[DDD]

I understand your reluctance but there is no doubt that you love your Mom and want what is best for her. it does sound like Sis has made arrangements and has an adult partner to help as needed. If it's possible to look objectively Texas sounds like the logical destination. I know it has to be difficult for you and I'm sorry that you have new stress. Hugs. DDD

[hearts and roses]

Hugs, Lisa. Sounds like your trip was a perfect combo of pleasure and stress...you have a lot to think about. I think I would take some time to digest it all before calling anyone or planning anything. It does sound like your sister is the most logical choice, but as we know logic doesn't always win out. Create a back up plan should your mom decide to take you up on your offer to stay with you.

I have to tell you, that paranoia stuff really hit home in terms of things my mil says to us all the time about people being in her home or talking about her or wanting her to move out of her community because she doesn't play golf anymore...ooookkkkkaaaaaayyyyyy.

[Jody]

Oh Lisa, my what a trip. That is all scary and worrisome. Texas is sounding best, but if it continues to get worse I think she might be even too much for your sister and husband. I am not far from Mt. Zion. I wish I had know you were coming this way earlier. I would love to have met you and Nichole. Many hugs.

[Hound dog]

Oh, man Jody! I was sooo all over that area this weekend. Mom lives very near Mt Zion, depending on which direction you're talking. It's a Decatur addy but yeah, you know what I mean.

Nichole is planning to go back maybe over labor day. We're trying to time it for when sis from texas comes up. We will have to hook up and have coffee or something!

Witz, trust me, if mom came here I wouldn't consult anyone on her care. I'm not trying to say my family is stupid, but well........they're not educated in that way and don't have the experience. Oldest sis is a nurse but oldest sis is a whack job herself much of the time and her opinion isn't worth the breath used to voice it. kwim? (this is not sis in texas btw) But Mom needs to get a POA for both financial and medical and that would have to be in place before she came IF she came. I know how to cover my bases having already btdt. She needs that done before she goes anywhere, actually.

If I felt Mom would be happy in texas, I'd just give sis the background and tell her to go for it. But mom hates texas with a passion and she feels the same way about that sil. I think she'll pick it because of my pets though. My furbabies aren't going anywhere and she knows it.

Let's just say, I'm not going to volunteer and stand front and center as I normally do. We'll have to hash it out among ourselves and see what we come up with.