My Trip Home & My Mom.......very long sorry

[DDD]

Really glad that you are not stepping up to the plate, Hound. Really glad as I feel you deserve to focus on YOU. DDD

[recoveringenabler]

Wow, what a story Lisa. I'm sorry. That is so much to have to digest and figure out. It does seem as if Texas is in the cards at least for the moment. Can you look into other kinds of options even though your mom would be non compliant? I know of a daughter who had to get power of attorney or whatever you need to make decisions for a parent and she had to put her Dad in an assisted living facility for people with Alzheimer's. It was very difficult, but caring for someone with those kinds of requirements is pretty overwhelming. My SO cared for his mother who was 100 years old and it was grueling. After all was said and done, his comment was "If I had it all to do over again, I would have made other arrangements where Mom would have received the best care." These are such difficult decisions to make for our parents, I hope you take the time to look at all the options. Sending you warm wishes and HUGS........

[TerryJ2]

Well, you've certainly thought this through. It sounds soooo much like what we went through w/my dad, minus the schizophrenia. And w/Alzheimer's/dementia, yes, every day is different. Except that it never gets better, and always get worse. It's a gradual downward spiral.
I'm thinking that if you're lucky, in a strange sense of the word, she will fall and be hospitalized, and that's when you get her medicines and have the dr be the bad guy and tell her that under no circumstances can she live alone. Or, she will crash the car and the police will make sure she goes to court, and the judge will tell her the same thing.
We all went over these scenarios w/my dad and boy, do I know where you're coming from!
I highly recommend that if you have to tell her which medicine is which, tell her that the little gray pills (or whatever) are for memory and leave it at that. In my dad's case, we told him that his pills would improve his golf game and he swallowed them right down!
You'll figure it out.
I'd hate to be in your shoes right now. I've been in them enough alreayd.
I feel for you.
But you still managed to have a good trip! Good for you!

[Dammit Janet]

Oh this took me back! I honestly think your mom is too far gone to even get a POA signed legally. She is a paranoid schizo with dementia. Active on both of those. I think you need a court to appoint a guardian. Though you could just talk to APS and ask them about getting her into a good placement. I think she needs an alzheimers unit.

[Hound dog]

Hmm, Janet. I never thought of that. That's why I love you guys. You're right, in her current state a POA wouldn't probably be legal. Actually she may have one from years ago (mom was good about such things) but I don't recall if she does. I'll ask my sis in texas and bro to find out. Shoot, if she does I might find out it's me.......And I'm having a little flutter of a "memory" but it refuses to come to the surface. So I dunno. I do know she's told me multiple times I was executor of the will because I argued with her over it, I didn't want the job of dealing with bickering sibs thankyouverymuch. I still dunno if she ever changed that because she refused to answer me.

Given mom herself is a nurse, and having cared for her own mother and sisters........I would be shocked she if doesn't already have it in place, and has had for years. But like I said, I just dunno.

If she comes here I already know of a wonderful place that has a really good Alzheimer's unit with very caring staff, very nice environment. It would be a drive as it's about an hour south of me......but it would also be worth it. It wouldn't be cheap but I'm pretty sure she can stay there even when her money would run out. (although I strongly suspect she might have much more money than bro has a clue she has even without selling the house)

What is APS? It's not ringing any bells with me tonight. And with the paranoid schizo dx..........well, I dunno what pdoc she saw so I won't be able to get those records. She'd probably have to be dxed again by someone else.

I'm holding off calling sis in texas for a bit because I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row first to hopefully help her grasp what is going on. Then to pass on what helpful info I can to her so she can check and see what services are available in her area. (if I can get her to believe me)

[Star*]

Hound -

What would happen if you maybe talked your Mom into a "mini" vacation to your house for asay a month - and got her to see doctors in YOUR area - ? Just a thought - SOmetimes we think better on our own turf. And you could see if you could manage it all....I'm sure you could./can - but never hurts to have a trial run for both your sakes. AND if it were to be that you could not? Perhaps having her closer to you wher eYOU could keep a mendical eye on her would be better than anyone else.

Just a thought.
Hugs

[witzend]

Lisa - I didn't mean consult the family. I meant consult a doctor. "Gee mom, I don't know what you take for your blood pressure, and I want to be sure that we get it right. Let's make a trip to the doctor before you move so I don't make any mistakes."

Never mention psych drugs to her, but get the doc to prescribe them. Slip them in the ice cream and everyone's happy.

[DDD]

I'm thinking that the cart may be before the horse in this case. Obviously I could be wrong but I think it's time to make a list of logical chronolical steps to take. Remember how confused things were when your DH passed away? You don't want to replay that sequence out again under any circumstances.

Just tossing this out. Make a notebook with Q & A's.
1. Who are her current medical professionals? Names, addresses, numbers. How often has she been
seen? Has she, or will she, sign a form giving access to info for one of her children?

2. Where are her bank accounts and records? Does she have a safety deposit box? Is anyone on the accounts or forms in case she becomes unable to access that information...will she agree to adding someone?


3. What meds does she take? What pharmacy fills the Rx's? Where are the meds stored?

4. Should she decide to relocate (doesn't matter whether a family home or "a home") what is of the most importance to her and which of her possessions does she want to give to specific people and what would be donated?

5. Where are her important documents? Does her attorney have a current will, POA etc. and knowledge of assets?

What I'm trying to point out is that you or someone in her family need to have access to information about her current status, wants/needs and future possibilities. If nobody has a fact based close estimate of her worth then it's impossible to even plan a relocation. She couldn't just pack up and go live with any of her children leaving her home and unknown/possibly missing assets behind. She also could not make plans to move into a senior facility w/o those same facts...the Government requires that info.


I think that IF you trust one of your siblings OR her attorney the first step is to get these ducks in a row so when the time comes to move everything will be as easy peasy as possible. Hugs DDD

PS: You don't have to be "ill" to get confused. My PC daughter is asking for specific info for her records as DH is getting forgetful and I am focused on getting well. One life insurance policy my DH told me last year "he let go"...in fact, this year I found it and he verified it's still good. Old age is hell.

[Hound dog]

Star I've been trying to do that mini vacation for months. Mom won't go for it because she's terrified of being "robbed" blind while she is gone.

Witz, dealing with a schizo with dementia is bad enough, but dealing with a retired nurse on top of it.........well, let's just say she's going to have to get much much more confused before I'm going to slip any meds past her. Best I can hope for is that doc will tell her they're for "sleep" or some such and she falls for it because she doesn't recognize the med. He'll only be able to use new meds too, she'll spot any older ones immediately.

I do my best to go the honest route, or at least as close to it as possible. I plan to explain to mom that the short term memory issues which are age appropriate (depending on the person) is making it appear that someone is either moving her things around or taking them. This may or may not work. But I can use my own experience with this issue to try to get her to understand. Because I swear I have put something in a certain spot and 5 seconds later it is not there and I can't find it. It eventually turns up in some unlikely place and I may or may not recall how it got there. It might work.......but it won't work where she is now. Mostly because stepdad's kids DID come into the house and clean her out of a lot of her things as well as their dad's things and wipe bank accts and such. She's got it fixed in her head they want the house and are coming in and taking things to make her appear crazy so she'll give up the house too. Now we know that this is very unlikely as they wouldn't get the house regardless and stepdad has been gone 6 yrs now and I'm sure they've moved on with their lives at this point......busy spending what money she wasn't able to get back via lawyers.

When she leaves the area, that delusion won't hold water even to her. So that ought to at least help the paranoia to some extent, at least until she comes up with a new scenario.

This is, in short, going to be a nightmare. Mom won't be bullied or pushed. She's a control freak who not only wants to control every aspect of her own life but everyone elses. You can't intimidate her, you can't guilt her. She's as stubborn as a mule on steroids. You *might* be able to convince her certain things are in her best interest, IF you can find just the right way to go about it and the timing is perfect........and there aren't others butting in to confuse the issue. I think younger bro has finally come to understand this. (it only took him about 40 some years) That's why he wants everyone together to have a game plan in place before she's approached.

Problem is? Game plan or no game plan, I see this being one of the ugliest most horrific things I will ever deal with. Because eldest sis being a whack job herself is going to say some off the wall thing or ten to set mom off. Eldest bro has got no backbone whatsoever and is about as smart as a piece of paper (gotta love the side effects of lifelong addiction). Sis in Texas is non confrontational at best. Youngest bro is already frustrated beyond reason and fed up. Three out of those four are secretly hoping that Mom keels over and leaves them money (aka the house & a small inheritance from the selling of our childhood home which is in CDs in our names there) One is only based in greed. The other two are in a financial hole they're hoping to get out of. Thankfully none of them seem to be aware that Mom has more funds (much more) than she let's on.....she lives as the penny pincher she's always been, but I've seen strong indications she's not hurting in the slightest. But youngest bro didn't seem pleased when I explained to him she could use her funds from selling the house to finance the rent for assisted living and make it at least a year on that alone. (here anyway, I don't know the price ranges for other areas) I know what the house is worth and Nichole and I did a walk through, it's ready to sell and even in this economy the neighborhood it's in......it would be snatched up fast at a decent price. It's already paid off, has been for years, so it's free and clear cash for her to use.

Hmm. Got a bit side tracked there. lol Even with a game plan, odds are someone is going to set her off and blow the whole thing up in our faces. If that happens, I dunno what we'll do because.......well, you'd just have to know my mom to understand. I've worked with her during most of her worst times, both in person and at a distance. It's delicate tight rope type thing. You have to watch the tone of your voice, every word that comes out of your mouth, you have to wait on timing, you have to remain calm even when you want to strangle her. Sibs can't do that. I was coping with this my whole life while they were busy off in denial land. Their only now that she's become so severe seeing reality that is our mother. They lose their patience and temper with her easily and will blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Plus younger bro is going to have to, while discussing this with us ect, take a back seat because Mom is already convinced he wants to lock her up and throw out the key. ugh

I'm rather surprised by the dementia to begin with because none of her sibs showed any signs. Yet they died younger. My aunt Jennie is 83 or so and sharp as a tack.....physically she's a mess. Mom's family is not long lived, they tend to die young. I don't recall any relative having dementia as they grew older. And so I just never thought about having to deal with it with Mom. kwim? I figured it would be a stroke or heart attack or some such....not this per se.

It's further complicated with everyone being so spread out. Odds are, even though he lived with her, even younger bro doesn't know how severe it is because he also spends 12 hrs a day on the road. I'm sure there is much he missed. And you can't just take Stormy's word because she's manipulating it to her advantage when she thinks she can get away with it.

I'm going to try to contact sis in texas either this evening or tomorrow and talk to her a while. I know she trusts my judgment, it's going to be a matter of if she's ready to hear it.

IF mom came here, she'd do the whole round of docs/specialist anyway because she'd have to establish herself as a new patient. I know who to take her to, so that's not a problem.

Gawd. I thought dealing with MIL was bad, but it was nothing compared to what this will be. Which is why I really am not eager to become overly involved. Yet OTOH, this is my mother.......and while she made my childhood in many respects a living hades........I still won't let anyone mistreat her or mess her over. Mom never asked to have paranoid schizo any more than any of our gfgs asked to have their dxes. Even when it was horrible, she did the best she could at the time. I'll do the same for her. My only exception is I won't risk Travis and my safety to do it.

[witzend]

Problem is? Game plan or no game plan, I see this being one of the ugliest most horrific things I will ever deal with.

Lisa, that says quite a lot. Maybe it's Freudian, and maybe you are fully aware of what you said, but I urge you to consider why you said this, and if you are able to do one of the ugliest most horrific things in your life right now.

{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}