Opinions, please.

[Shari]

I came home from work tonight to find DH fishing at our pond with his nephew and nephew’s friend.
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This is the nephew that got drunk at a wedding reception, hit a car, and gave the car owner PC1’s name instead of his own. He was later caught and cornered and fessed up, but that could have turned out BAD (PC1 relies on his CDL for his job), and nephew has not so much as apologized to PC1 or us (whom PC called before calling nephew’s mom, trying to get help getting him away from the reception).
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This is the same nephew who’s really only had it together for the past 3 or 4 months or so – prior to that he was a dropout, a pot head, he broke into our house when he skipped high school to smoke pot, etc. For the past few months, he’s had a steady job and appears to be clean…but…
***
I guess I have a problem with nephew hanging around after this. PC1 still lives here, and while he’s an annoying teenager that borrows our cr@p and usually doesn’t put it away and does a shabby job picking up after himself in the shed outside, well, he’s pretty darn normal for a young adult. He’s got a good job, pays his own bills, contributes to the groceries, helps mow the yard, etc. He plans to move out on his own in a year or so, but we just haven’t been in a hurry to boot him out – its just working.
***
Anyway, back to this deal…nephew is the grandson of the MIL from he!!. You all already know how “used” I feel from that woman…well, I come home tonight and here’s DH and nephew, happily fishing, and my first thought is “WTF? HE can use and abuse, too?!!??!?”
***
I talked to DH. His initial reaction was that the rift between PC1 and nephew does not involve him. He’s got a point. But this is still where pc lives, and I already feel used by the rest of his family, and I’m tired of it.
***
So I’m posing the question to you guys…what nephew did to pc isn’t really my business, but am I out of line in saying that until nephew at least apologizes to PC AND me (I was at a party, kid free, when I got a phone call to try to help PC deal with this…), I don’t want him around.

[Dammit Janet]

Cant say as I blame you in the least!

[gcvmom]

I think you deserve to be heard by him. But you may have to be the one to initiate the conversation. Perhaps DH can help facilitate that? How the nephew responds to you getting this issue out in the open should be interesting. He may not apologize or accept any responsibility. But he certainly deserves to hear what you think about it and what you want from him in order to make amends.

[Hound dog]

Excuse me? The rift doesn't involve him?? And what planet is he living on? This kid blamed HIS son, could've gotten HIS son in a world of trouble had he not fessed up. But it doesn't involve HIM??

Oh, yeah. I'd have a problem.

But then there are some lines dh knows NOT to dare cross with me.

[ML]

I definitely believe he needs to hear what you have to say. I am surprised dh isn't more upset on behalf of pc but that is his business. It's your home and you definitely need to say what you have to say. This is a toughie.

[Marguerite]

DH is wrong. It DOES involve him because it was HIS son falsely accused. To befriend the person who did this, without asking for accountability, is to be seen to be choosing this friendship over his own son.

I think DH needs to get his priorities right.

That said, if DH wants to go fishing with this cousin and be nice to him, he can. BUT he should use his position of 'friend' to clear the air FIRST.

I also would be nervous of this cousin hanging around. It's good he seems to be keeping his nose clean, but he would have to earn my trust.

Who said it? "Forgive the man that steals from you, but lock up your camels."

Marg

[Lothlorien]

Instead of bringing this up to dh, why not bring it up to nephew. He probably thinks all is okay, if he's as clueless as a lot of teens are. Ask him over to lunch and just have a talk with him and tell him how you feel. He may just apologize then.

[Shari]

Oh, I do intend to talk to nephew - when he's willing to get close to me... he has very deliberately kept his distance. I have never yelled at the boy, but I have told him what I think more than once. Sadly, I think DH and I have offered the boy more "discpline" than anyone else has. We changed the lock on the house when he got caught ditching school and smoking pot. More than his mama did, who was too inconvenienced to have to drive him to ball practice, so kept giving him car keys and gas money...

But it does me no good to talk to nephew if DH won't stick up for us. I guess, therein, lies the problem. And I really don't think DH does it on purpose. He just doesn't think about it.

Thanksgiving is coming.

Thanks, all.

[trinityroyal]

But it does me no good to talk to nephew if DH won't stick up for us. I guess, therein, lies the problem. And I really don't think DH does it on purpose. He just doesn't think about it.

Therein lies the problem indeed.
This is DH's FAMILY you're talking about. His wife and children. If it doesn't occur to him to stick up for you then that's a serious issue.

I do think that nephew needs a talking to (if he has the guts to get close enough to you to hear it), but I think DH needs one as well.

A DH who doesn't stand up for you when others are mistreating you is only a few steps removed from a DH who does the bullying himself.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. It's just that I've been down that road before and a man who won't stand up for his family just rots my socks!

[DDD]

Men are different. Maybe your DH feels that the kid has made alot of progress and needs to be treated as he is today instead of rehashing how he was in the past. Maybe without a long discussion they have exchanged a guy-type communication that he accepted as an apology.
Maybe DH thinks that DS is the one who has, or should, decide what if any apology is necessary.

So...once again...I don't exactly agree with most of the family posting.

What is done is over. Tomorrow some Godawful event could happen and the past choices of this boy wouldn't matter a whit to you or anyone else.
I'd suggest detachment.

BTW, I still remember vividly who hurt my children over the past fifty years....but my adult children only remember the happiness of their youth.
I think that's healthier. DDD