He has relapsed

[Nancy]

AG I woke in the middle of the night from this foot pain and checked my phone and my heart sank when I saw the title of your post. I couldn't get up at the time to reply because of my foot, but it brought me back to the time gfg packed her car and left the sober house and I found out two days later when she appeared in our driveway with her possessions in her car. I was devastated, hurt, angry, scared, anxious, panicked, all the emotions rolled into one. You have build a strong support team around you and that will be your saving grace right now. I had not yet built that support team around me and now that I have it I realize how important it is. So i know how you were feeling and I felt so bad for you and wished we could all be there to wrap our arms around you.

You knew this was coming, its like watching an oncoming freight train and not being able to stop it. You now know why he had been treating you so badly. He knew he was going to relapse and was starting to distance himself. Are you afraid because he is angry at you for going to see the parents of one of the boys he is staying with? I understand why you did it and I did many of the things you did too for a time, but it's time to back off. He will have to hit bottom himself, you can no longer bring that bottom up to him. When my gfg left all the sober houses and was living with a roommate it was actually easier for me to detach than when she was in the sober house and I was looking over my shoulder all the time, waiting for the relapse that I knew was coming, trying to keep her commited to sobriety. It was the final break for me, to realize that her sobriety is her job, not mine and if she didn;t want it for herself I couldn't give it to her but I wasn't going to let her take me down too.

AG you have done everything humanly possible to help your son and then some and you have done it alone. My parents and extended family gave up on my gfg too so I had no one to go to, but at least I had dh and pc. You and I will be there for our gfg's if and when they decide to try sobriety again. Remember he has the tools and he knows where to go for help. It's time to mourn now for what you hoped would be and accept that relapse is part of recovery.

I am so sorry for your aching heart. Several of my support parents have told me that I wanted sobriety more for my gfg than she wanted for herself. They also said it is so difficult for our young gfg's to get sober, they haven't even reached the legal age to drink and they said it takes longer for an alocholic to get sober at that age than a drug addict because drugs cause you to hit bottom sooner.

It's time to tell your son you love him but that you won't stand by and watch him kill himself and when he is ready to get help he should let you know.

Nancy

[Signorina]

Oh my sweet dear friend.

I am so so sorry for your broken heart. I know how fearful you are. I hate it. I hate these stupid substances for taking our boys away from us. And I hate our stupid boys for turning on the love we poured into them.

I will never forget the awful feeling of being afraid of my son. The look in my ( usually fearless) h's eyes when he said he wanted gfg out because he was afraid. The way we took out all the knives away and locked our bedroom door. I slept with a rosary in my hands because I wasn't sure what would happen next..

That night, something changed. It sunk in that my beloved boy was truly gone and that he wasn't the jerk now in in my home. Even now, I can feel the coldness-his and my own fear- that I felt that night. H & I went to therapy the next night and the therapist made sure we knew that being afraid on our home had escalated the situation with our gfg to a new low. A low not to be forgotten or ever excused.

I am so so sorry it has come to this. I am so sorry and so angry that your home is not your sanctuary. I am here for you, I care and I know you are a wonderful mother who did everything x100 for your boy. There was nothing more you could do-you went above and beyond and you did it all with tremendous love. Please never doubt that. XOXO

[exhausted]

Oh AG,
My heart just aches for you. You sound so healthy through all this. I am in the middle of my own crisis so I may not be much help but I wanted to tell you the miracles that your posts have brought. My friend and I are doing this Miracle project as you know writing to each other every morning-we are on day 22 of 40. This morning she emailed that she needed to pray but could not find words. (Her husband is an addict). She loves Marianne and there was your prayer-that was no chance thing.

Your help with my many posts has brought comfort and watching you hold the line with gfg with love and without turning your back has given me unbelievable support. I know how the feelings rush in and the worry as they relaspes (as mine is doing now and has not come home). The challenge is to keep that darkness away and care for ourselves in what ever way works. I wish I could hug you because that is so healing for us-please go get hugs from your friends and keep us posted. ((((((((Huge, cyber-hugs))))))))

[recoveringenabler]

AG, I am so very sorry. We're all here for you, you're not alone, hugs to you and prayers for both you and your gfg.

[AmericanGirl]

Know that I'm reading, crying, praying and sending you all hugs of gratitude. No sleep. Just numb.

Somewhat reluctant to admit that part of me doesnt want contact. I cring at the thought of him ringing the doorbell. Im exhausted. It is hard...impossible?...to continue to love, to give to someone, even your own child, who shows nothing but anger and distain in return.

The war isnt over. Just the battle. I know what Sig means about being afraid. I felt that way before rehab but now, i understand more who he is. A true, hard core manipulator...who makes up a daughter....shows pics to people...talks about how i can see her but he can't?!? That is worse thn mere attention seeking or addiction to me....it is mental illness.

Thanks or being there. Going to try to sleep.

[recoveringenabler]

AG, I hope you can sleep. I am so sorry. I know your pain. Yes, mental illness, the depth of pain for those on the periphery of it is unfathomable. All I can do is pray for those of us connected to this pain and send you as much empathy, compassion, sincere wishes that you find your way to a peaceful and meaningful life and my deepest and heartfelt recognition of how much this hurts. I am so so sorry. Little by little, with all your support around you, it does get easier.

[DaisyFace]

Sending my support...

(((hugs)))

[Kathy813]

AG, I am out of town with a couple of girlfriends and have not checked the board for a couple of days and just saw this. I am so sorry! Please know that I am thinking of you and sending my support along with a virtual hug.

~Kathy

[pinevalley]

AG: I read your post earlier today, and I was so upset to read about your gfg's relapse. I am so sorry for your pain. I hope that you realize that you have helped many parents on this board by sharing the problems with your gfg. You have helped me to deal with the crisis with my own son, and I thank you for this. Your strength has really inspired me, and I will pray for both you and your gfg. I hope that you are able to get some sleep tonight, and that you are safe in your home. Sending many HUGS to you....