AG I woke in the middle of the night from this foot pain and checked my phone and my heart sank when I saw the title of your post. I couldn't get up at the time to reply because of my foot, but it brought me back to the time gfg packed her car and left the sober house and I found out two days later when she appeared in our driveway with her possessions in her car. I was devastated, hurt, angry, scared, anxious, panicked, all the emotions rolled into one. You have build a strong support team around you and that will be your saving grace right now. I had not yet built that support team around me and now that I have it I realize how important it is. So i know how you were feeling and I felt so bad for you and wished we could all be there to wrap our arms around you.
You knew this was coming, its like watching an oncoming freight train and not being able to stop it. You now know why he had been treating you so badly. He knew he was going to relapse and was starting to distance himself. Are you afraid because he is angry at you for going to see the parents of one of the boys he is staying with? I understand why you did it and I did many of the things you did too for a time, but it's time to back off. He will have to hit bottom himself, you can no longer bring that bottom up to him. When my gfg left all the sober houses and was living with a roommate it was actually easier for me to detach than when she was in the sober house and I was looking over my shoulder all the time, waiting for the relapse that I knew was coming, trying to keep her commited to sobriety. It was the final break for me, to realize that her sobriety is her job, not mine and if she didn;t want it for herself I couldn't give it to her but I wasn't going to let her take me down too.
AG you have done everything humanly possible to help your son and then some and you have done it alone. My parents and extended family gave up on my gfg too so I had no one to go to, but at least I had dh and pc. You and I will be there for our gfg's if and when they decide to try sobriety again. Remember he has the tools and he knows where to go for help. It's time to mourn now for what you hoped would be and accept that relapse is part of recovery.
I am so sorry for your aching heart. Several of my support parents have told me that I wanted sobriety more for my gfg than she wanted for herself. They also said it is so difficult for our young gfg's to get sober, they haven't even reached the legal age to drink and they said it takes longer for an alocholic to get sober at that age than a drug addict because drugs cause you to hit bottom sooner.
It's time to tell your son you love him but that you won't stand by and watch him kill himself and when he is ready to get help he should let you know.