How do you 'get there'?

[MidwestMom]

This is a very interesting thread to me. Until i read it, i did not realize that our druggie daughter was a compliant (we thought), loving angel until we shook ourselves out of denial and started trying to curb her behavior. Why do we always believe "it's just pot?" I have no answer, but I thought so too. Making her leave was the best thing we could have done for her and for us. Now to WP:

Are you sure Son is staying with SIL when he says he is? Are you sure he isn't out partying and getting high and just SAYING he is staying with SIL? Do you always check in with her? Is she somebody you can trust? The very first thing I thought of is, "He's lying. He's not staying with HER...he's doing something with drugs." This is from my own experience with a drug addict. Also, the Xanax...could be hubs; could be he got it from somewhere else, but your son is seriously involved in drugs. The fact is, they are usually far more steeped in drugs than we know or want to even think about.

Only you can make the decision whether or not he should stay or leave. I would go back to Al-Anon and keep talking to people in real time. He's getting to the age that you'd like him to go to rehab and quit or face the consequences of being a drug addict. You DON'T want him to still be in your house at age forty...in the same condition. I think it's best to ease them out and, if they get suddenly violent, force them out.

Do not have him pay you rent. EVER. Then he is a tenant and the laws may make it hard for you to evict him, even if you decide that you want him to leave!

Hugs and keep us posted!

[AlabamaGirl]

Some great advice here....

One threshold I have is if I wouldn't allow a friend or stranger to speak to me the way gfg does, then gfg gets a consequence. I have to stay alert so I am totally consistent with him.

I agree he needs to start his adult life...in another location. At 23, I was working, in grad school and saving for a home...totally self-supporting and poor as dirt. Builds character.

Good luck....keep posting!

[InsaneCdn]

AG... at 23, I was still living at home, and working... AND running half the household, because my mother was very ill and there were still younger children at home. BUT... I was definitely on the right side of society... clean, sober, earning my own way, and contributing to the household in significant labour if not in dollars. Really, its not about the age of the adult child - its about the condition of the adult child, the condition of the relationship, and any special needs. There is no blanket rule for age. And I think that is part of why it gets confusing. Sometimes, it does make sense for adult children to be at home... just often enough that we end up double-guessing ourselves.

Blanket rule for behaviors like drug use? or even just non-contribution to the overall well-being of the home? Sure.

[toughlovin]

WP -Good question. To be honest I am not sure we would have kicked our son out at age 18 if he was pleasant to have around. His behavior was disrespectful at best and he was flagrantly violating our very simple basic rules....such as taking the car in the middle of the night without permission.

I think it is pretty hard to govern or control drug use away from home....however you can certainly prohibit any drugs or drug use in your home.

I think it would be hard for me to kick my kid out of the house just because having him there seemed to enable him. I think i would need a more concrete reason of how his behavior affected me...we did have that and it was still hard to kick him out even with really concrete solid reasons.

The more he gets into drug use the more it will get in the way of a prodctive life...so maybe for now concentrate on not enabling him in other ways....ie dont give him cash for any reason and dont pay for anything to do with his car etc.

TL

[lovemysons]

WP,

As you may have read my 23 yr old Alcoholic son is headed to prison.
I tried to "take care of him" since he was released from the Army. It did not work...he still chose pain meds and then strickly alcohol to self-medicate. There was nothing I could do to stop the progression of this disease.

We cannot make it better for them...we cannot fix them or convince them. Consequences seem to be the only thing that they understand. "It hurts...I need help...Please help me."
And until they get to that point I don't think they can "see" any reason for change in their lives.

With understanding and care,
LMS

[wastedpotential]

Hugs to all of you, and an extra one for (((LMS))). One of my nightmares, although at one point we thought that maybe prison is just what he needs.

I didn't see him last night, he got home a few minutes after I went to bed. This morning he told me that he spoke to his aunt about staying there during the week and just coming home on the weekends. His job is 5 minutes from them and an hour from us. He said he can save money on gas that way and wear and tear on his car. I asked him what she said and he said she will talk to BIL.

Very interesting dynamic there...she has a lot of her own issues and has always been close with gfg, often playing good cop to our bad cop. She has a lot of mental health issues. I have a feeling she will love being the one to 'save' gfg. Interestingly, she has always been one to be strict with her own two boys, lots of rules in her house, so we'll see how that plays out with gfg, who always thought we were unreasonable with our rules.

There are so many years of a lot of dysfunction in our relationship with SIL. This is who my son runs to---not too hard to figure out the psych stuff on that one.

I still want to have a conversation with him about the coke and xanax. Later if he decides to come home at a reasonable time.