I need a life jacket

[PamjO]

I am new here and would welcome a response from anyone willing to share advice or simply comment or offer suggestions. My 20 year old son is a drug user and my life is a living nightmare. He has turned his life, my life, and our home upside down with his drug use and refusal to go to rehab. His drugs of choice are synthetic marijuana (K2), which he can legally buy in our state - it should be outlawed. In addition to that - he is abusing over-the-counter meds like Robitusson Gel Caps and Motion Sickness medicine. He takes these in large doses. My son was once a gentle kid with a passion for music. He lost his job for stealing from his employer, which ultimately lead to the discovery of his substance abuse. He has since sold all of music equipment to finance his drug habit, he is a pathological liar, he has stolen from me. I have been able to get him to see a therapist, but he will not go to rehab. He works a part-time job and funnels his earnings to drugs. I have taken his car back - I have established rules in my home - he continues to disrepect the rules by continuing to bring drugs into my home. He does not bother to hide his drug use - I find traces througout my home. I sleep very little at night as he slips out in the wee hours and leaves the door unlocked - while I am sleeping and unaware. I discovered this by accident a few weeks ago. I am a prisoner in my home - I can't even use the bathroom in my own home without bringing my purse in with me. I want him in rehab...I really don't want to throw him out, he has nowhere to go and will not survive the streets. Someone - anyone - RSVP - any suggestions on anything? Thanks so much.

[AmericanGirl]

Hi Pam...and welcome,

More will be long soon.

As for me, I HIGHLY recommend a book called Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. It is the main tool I used to get my very stubborn 18 year old to treatment in March.

Don't underestimate these kids, he probably can survive the streets...addicts are very resourceful. And don't lose sight of the fact that being on the street may be the thing which causes him to submit to rehab. For example, my gfg recently left rehab after 5 months. Idiot decided to be homeless and couch surf while trusting his equally-idiotic old using pals. In five days, he was broken...said he never knew it could get that bad that fast. Now I could have told him that but would he listen? NO!

In the meantime, have you considered installing a safe? Mine cost slightly over $100. I put it on a sturdy closet shelf and used three inch wood screws to attach it to the studs in the wall. You have to have a key and a combo to open it. Alternatively, you might lock your valuables in your car and keep the key with you at all times.

I installed a security system in January. Simple wireless ones are available where you add contacts only for your doors. Monitoring starts at $10 a month. My insurance dropped 15% (but mine has a fire alarm too).

Back to your son, I think you have to decide what you want. That book helped me get clear on what behaviors were unacceptable. It gave me the strength to give gfg tight boundaries. I didn't keep warning or repeating - just let the consequences happen.

Finally, Al-anon and Families Anonymous are both excellent sources of support for you. You need it and you deserve it.

Keep posting!

[Calamity Jane]

Hi,
I believe you're off to a good start, and Alabama Girl's advice is excellent. Your story sounds so much like mine, and nothing changed until my husband and I set realistic boundaries. My son wound up leaving here reluctantly and living with a drug using friend for a while. He hated living there, and hated everything he lost (job, sweet girlfriend, decent friends, education, self respect, intelligence, respect of family, grades, freedom, etc.) so he's working hard day by day to remain off drugs. He does not have other mental health issues other than low self esteem which he thought he could elevate with drugs.

In any case, if he didn't lose all these things and experience that for himself, he wouldn't be trying so hard now. He did steal from us, and he had a horrible attitude. We also got a security system and locked him out if he returned high or after curfew. It's difficult, but they're very resourceful and they can bully us, too. You must stand your ground. Your son is an adult now.

Good luck, and I'm sure you'll receive more sage advice soon. Take care.

[DDD]

I can't do a long post tongith but just want you to know that you are NOT alone. Many of us have btdt and the vast majority of us are bright, loving caring parents. I am truly sorry you are traveling that road and hope others hwere are able to guide you to survival. Hugs. DDD

[PamjO]

Thanks, All. Did I say my back hurts from carrying my personal items around with me? Yes, have stashed many things in my vehicle and have a safe deposit box for valuables. The constant lying bothers me terribly;
I feel like I'm living with a total stranger. My son doesn't tell the truth about anything - not even what he had for breakfast (really). I can't believe the person he has become, it is heartbreaking.

[Nancy]

Hi Pam and welcome. I'm sorry you have to be here but you have found a group of parents who understand like no other.Spice, K2, synthetic pot, is now illegal on the federal level so it is not legal in your state. In fact the Federal Govt has recently announced it is clamping down on the distribution and use of synthetic pot. It is apparent in our state where raids have been going on in many head shops and smoke shops. There are many cases pending and it would please me to no end if they all got shut down (I know it won't happen but I can wish).

Many of us have had to draw the line in the sand with our drug users and tell them that they either have to get help for their drug use or find alternative living arrangements. It is not easy and every one of us who have had to do it feels the same as you do, they have no place to go, they will live on the street, they may die, etc., etc. We gave our daughter the ultimatum of treatment or leave our house and she did choose treatment but several months later and after spending $25,000 out of pocket she relapsed. We had to make her leave out house and it was the most awful thing I have ever done and it still breaks my heart when I think about it. She lived for several weeks with a neighbor boy who was on heroin and then begged to come back home. We said no and she found a sober house to go to. She stayed there several months and participated in their treatment but moved out and relapsed again.

When she was living here we had to hide everything of value in the house. I slept with my purse under my bed, I took my laptop and cell phone and anything valuable with me wherever I went. We did not ever let her in the house alone. We left no money or credit cards around and yet she still found ways to steal from us or her sister. She would go out in the evening and either never come back or come home at 4 am drunk. I couldn't live like that anymore. Our house was a prison and we were a mess. I simply could not live like that anymore. I was either going to divorce my husband on move out with our other daughter or she had to leave. I wasn't willing to sacrifice the rest of the family anymore.

Your son needs treatment, you know that. He isn't going to go willingly. You are going to have to force the issue. He has a job, if he doesn't want to get help he can move out and find out what it is like to have to pay rent and live on his own. You won't be able to do this alone, you need support. There are support groups that will help you through this process. You may also want to start making calls to treatment centers so that when the time comes you have available resources to send him to.

You are not alone, we have all walked in your shoes, most of us still are.

Nancy

P.S. You can tell an addict is lying if there lips are moving. They will lie, cheat, steal and sometimes worst to get their drugs. Drug addiction gets a hold on them and you are right, we no longer recognize the child we raised.

[PatriotsGirl]

Hi and welcome!!

Your son is a grown adult. He is not going to change a thing until he has a reason to. Right now, he has absolutely no reason to go to rehab. He has a roof over his head, his, needs are getting met, and he gets to enjoy his drugs. Why in the world would he want to change that?? They need to hit bottom in order for them to want to change. You are preventing bottom by allowing him to live there.

It may also be helpful to find a Families Anonymous meeting in your area!

Keep coming back - this is a wonderful group of warrior parents who have been there!!

[AmericanGirl]

Pam, I have a thought. Forgot I had done this a while ago.

Buy a basic door lock and install it on your bedroom. You can lock everything up in there. Get one of those key chains that goes around your wrist.

But...know that is a temporary fix for a symptom of the problem.

[PamjO]

Thanks again-will keep you posted-I'm slowly removing the support. Kicked him off my phone plan and made him get his own, will drop the cable next (I can live without it), and the internet after that. I am working on getting braver - have researched rehab facilities and am ready. Have 24 hr locksmith number if it comes to that, bedroom door is locked always. One day at a time...keep praying for a miracle.

[AmericanGirl]

Just sharing a prayer that Marianne Willliamson sent me recently when my gfg left recovery. Hope you find comfort in it.



Dear God,
Please send your angels to ####,
to bless and protect him.
Surround him with light
that the darkness cannot enter.
May the Holy Spirit break the chains
that bind him,
and miraculously remove his addiction.
May he crave no more the stuff of sorrow.
Send angels to his mother than she might know peace,
and remove from both of them any lower things.
May Christ awaken in all concerned.
Thank you, God.
Amen