I need a life jacket

[toughlovin]

Pam, welcome! Your story is similar to mine and i totally understand the fear of kicking him out etc. It has got to be the most frightening thing i have ever done. I know for me what pushed me to really take a stand is i have a younger daughter and i could not let her continue to live in the utter chaos that was our life when our son was home. None of us wqnted to be home because it was so awful. The other thing i realized at the time (my son was 18) was that i was not helping him by letting him live at home flqgrantly violating all our rules ( which were very basic) . Society does not work that way! So finally we did kick him out.

I wish i could say he immediately went to rehab and all was fine. It was a much ore arduous journey than that which included several arrests, time in jail, severalr rehabs and sober houses, time living literally on the street.....but now he is 20 and is in a program that seems to be making a real difference and he is doing better. I know without a doubt he would not be here if i had not kicked him out and let those things happen, although they totally roke my heartnwhe they did.

TL

[PamjO]

Thanks - I am so consumed with his problems. I'm fighting that with everything I've got. I am haunted with knowing the decision I need to make. My son knows he has a problem, doesn't like himself the way he is now - but has not found the courage to get help. When he is not using (which is rare), I see the decent person he once was - I struggle with that...knowing my old son is still here and that I cannot reach him. Thanks for the prayer also - I am glad I found you folks - I don't feel so alone.

[toughlovin]

That person he can be is still in there but the drugs take over. Someone once told me that when you have an addict their primary relationship is not with you but with their drug of choice. My experience is that my son will lie, be awful and incredibly manipulative when he is using. They may know they need help, or at least know that you think they need help but until they get to the point where the consequences of their drug use take them to places they really dont want to be they wont really get help. For my son those experiences were 2 weeks in jail...which after a while lessened in his mind....and then later living on the street. And even though i was very scared when he was on the street, he was not really scared....what really got to him was the bordom!!!

I really suggest if you can to find a good parents alanon group. This has been a huge huge help to me. It is very comforting to find people who truly understqnd what you qre going through and dont judge you for it.

TL

[PamjO]

Anyone out there attended naranon meetings? I have found one in my area, have not gone yet - looking for some support and heard naranon is a support group for family/friends of drug users. My son continues to use drugs-I am struggling to accept what I cannot change...looking to find something, somewhere, where I can find even a small amount of peace.

[toughlovin]

I go to a parents alanon meeting....the people there have kids who either are alcohlics or drugaddictsor both. I dont think the substance they use matters too much really. I think the important thing is to find a meeting you like, with people you like. If you dont like one meeting try another. I do think finding a meeting with other parents is important, as i think it is different being a parent of an addict rather than a spouse. I hope you find the meeting helpful.

TL

[Nancy]

I go to a parents support group formed out of a men's sober house. It is based on the same prinicpals that naranon and alanon are based but i smor elossely run and we have topics we discuss each week and there is less formality. I have also found families anonymous very helpful. The group of people there are fun and accepting and we find things to laugh about.

Nancy

[Kathy813]

Hi Pam and welcome. I'm another one that has lived through your nightmare. We kicked out daughter out several times. Let me caution you, though, depending on the state laws of the state you live in, it may not be as easy as calling a 24 hour locksmith. In my state, you cannot simply kick someone out that has established residency. We were told by the police that we would have to go through the eviction process to make our daughter leave even though she didn't pay us rent and had stolen from us. She knew that and had told us that we would have to evict her but we didn't believe it until we heard it from the police ourselves.

The next time she stole from us we gave her the choice of leaving immediately or we would prosecute (we had the forged check for proof). She choose to leave and since she had nowhere to go, she agreed to go to rehab. From there she went to a halfway house and was eventually kicked out for drinking.

We let her come back home when she agreed to begin a DBT program and get a job. So far she is doing well but I still don't trust her and never leave my purse out of my sight. I don't know whether I will ever get to the point where I can totally trust her again.

The others are right that your son has no reason to change as long as he has a roof over his head, food to eat, and money to spend on drugs. I am not a big proponent (anymore . . . my views have changed) of tough love or the sink or swim philosophy but until your son is willing to go to rehab and recognize his substance abuse issues, I don't think you have any choice.

Keep posting. We are here for support. It would help us all if you would add a signature to the bottom of your posts like the one you see below. Here is a link to help you learn how to do it:

http://www.conductdisorders.com/foru...gnatures-8399/

~Kathy

[PamjO]

Thanks Everyone for your feedback. Kathy, your story is nearly identical to mine. My son has told me I can't kick him out without notice - due to the "established residency" thing. Apparently, he knows more than I thought he did - must be all those hours on facebook. I will keep in mind that I have the option of filing charges the next time he steals from me. On a more positive note-I am doing some things for myself...started taking a zumba class (it nearly killed me) & bought a bicycle (will ride the trails beginning tomorrow). I have boosted personal security in my home...my personal life is either in my safe deposit box or in the totebag I take everywhere (including the bathroom). Prayers to all of you who are struggling, you are not alone.

Pam

[exhausted]

I am getting closer to having to make this same move of kicking gfg out. I have not experienced it. I think it is tough and every case is different. Because the mental illnesses my daughter has are so severe, I feel I must get some support in place for her first. I am not at this point willing to let her go in her current state of things. I don't think she would be alive too long because of the dangerous and desperate things she would do when she wore her welcome out after couch surfing at the few places she could go. Her history is different and loaded with abuse-so...

That said, I go to FA meetings which I love. I tried a few other 12 step meetings and they just didn't feel good. This meeting has many experienced parents. Not everyone there has severe drug abusers-many have mentally ill kids like mine who use pot. I agree that you just need to find the group you like the most. Took me a few months. I can't live without their support now. I also recommend you give each meeting a few chances. Sometimes group leaders rotate and you might get there on a night that isn't very "inviting". You'll know when you fit in. Hang in and good job caring for yourself. I find that the trick is gettig through the crisis so you make good decisions that take care of you.

[PamjO]

Trying to find peace, not sure how to do that. I am consumed with my son's problems-I feel I live my life in one hour segments. I talk to him when I'm at work, and I'm good for about an hour. If I can't reach him by phone, I freak. I'm at the point where I feel that if my son's problems were resolved, my life would be great. I've raced home from work when he doesn't answer the phone-so sick of living this way. I want a life so bad, not sure how to get it back.

Pam