A lil bout my issue with my son. (looking for other's with like issues)

[AMB]

Hello, I posted a thread yesterday however, ive not yet gotten any responces. So I thought If maybe I told a small piece of my story maybe someone with a similar instance would respond...as I'm at the end of my rope.

I am a mother to a 16 year old boy. 3 weeks ago I had him admitted into a partial hospitalisation program for troubled teens.

I had had enough when I found him "HUFFING" gasoline (yes gas).

He (while in this program) has admited to dappering in Marjuana laced with PSP...although he claims he did not know it was laced with the PSP....he say's that he had a horrible reaction, his friends left him in an abandon parking lot all alone in the dark, and he heard dogs barking, "lots of dogs growling and barking, chasing after him", he says. He then managed to come to his senses enough to find his way to a local grocery store that was open 24 hrs. He then proceded to find his way to the public restroom where he hid in fear (he was paranoid from the drug).
He slept in the bathroom stall for 4 hours untill morning. When he woke up, he managed to find his way back to the kid's house he was suppose to be spending the night with. Mind you, I am the kind of mom that always call's and checks with the parents before sending my child to sleep over, always have, and this happned. (thats another story in itself).

He admits to smoking cigs.
He has admited to drinking on occasion.
He has admitted to huffing on several occasions.
(claims he no longer does) but i have my suspisions...
He has snuck out of my home, and once got cought by the police. (for curfew violation as a minor).
I reciently busted him shop lifting WHILE with me.
He has admited to me some personal sexual issues.
He has been a troubled child, always , always in trouble.
He is in 11th grade but not passing...still in 9th grade class's.
He has MAJOR anger issues, has put many holes in our wall's, and such.
Many detentions.
My family is falling apart, there is always so much tention when he is in the mix.
He is loud and obnoxious.
He is very immature.

While at this partial hospital for troubled teens, they put him on Welbutrin and Abbilify, and dx'd him with the ODD. (he already had a dx of adhd).

I am seriously at my witts end, he will be 17 in a few weeks and then 1 year later 18 an ADULT. I am so scared for him, and at times i feel lousy, as I love him with all my heart, as he is my son....but i don't like him.
Does that makes sence? I dunno...any suggestions or communacation with another parent going threw like issues would be appriciated greatly.

Thank you,
AMB

[maril]

Hi, AMB. This is a very difficult time for you and your family. My GFG and family are experiencing similar circumstances. I just wanted to send hugs and support out to you and to encourage you to hang in there.

GFG is in his second week of a partial program, rehab; we're all walking on eggshells here. At least I feel we have some hope now; he has some definitive and appropriate help. Prior to this, we had been searching for months for assistance through mental health clinic he attends as well as school and local law enforcement; unfortunately, it took a drastic action on his part to get to the point where we could get some help, BUT, now we are involved in his aftercare and he is, as well; things are looking up a bit.

Such a cliche' but really true -- Try to take it "one day at a time" (at least for me, that is my mantra of late...) These folks on this board are very supportive and helpful, also.

[DDD]

Welcome aboard, AMB. Don't feel ignored because your first post did not get responses. We have a variety of teen problems that show up here but most often it is substance abuse, trouble with the schools & police plus ADHD or ODD and/or other things. Charming, huh?

People will respond soon I am sure. There is comfort in hearing from people with similar issues who can offer some suggestions or at least
some caring thoughts. I've got to get back to work but wanted to say welcome. DDD

[everywoman]

AMB, Sorry response has been slow. Most of us who use to post in SA have now moved on to PE. As a parent who has been through all that you are now experiencing, I can tell you that it is okay to not like your kid. Mine has lied, stolen, and done many horrible things because of his SA/Mental health issues. It is difficult. You have to develop a tough skin without letting it harden your heart. You need to offer support for things like recovery, rehab, education, without enabling. It is such a fine line to try and walk. Some of us have success. We each used various methods in our journey. Hopefully some of our suggestions will work for you. Pick and choose what bests fits your mode of parenting. And don't expect overnight cures or magical pills to solve the problems your family is going through. It is a long, harrowing journey.

[lovemysons]

Hi AMB, so sorry you are going through this nightmare of drug abuse and all the emotional pain that goes with it.

Your son sounds ALOT like my younger GFG...I have two sons that have had the drug abusing issues. But my younger is the one who has put holes in walls and is like the "tazmanian devil" when he bursts into a room...he still is a bundle of anxiety and loudness etc. One thing I am happy to read is that your son is on a mood stabilizer like the Abilify. I have my own issues and have used Abilify with good success...it really is a great stabilizer imho. I wish I could get my own young GFG to use a MS at this point because I really do think that Bipolar...a mood disorder is one of his biggest issues, that and my sons alcohol abuse. This son, who reminds me of yours, just recently got kicked out of the Army for sub abuse. He now drinks ALL the time.

Like yours, My younger GFG, Jarod, was found "huffing" Glad air freshner in our neighborhood when he was around 13. I had he and his brother (who was using cocaine) admitted into a dual dx/sub abuse rehab for over 4 1/2 months. I know after rehab Jarod said that he never "huffed" again due to finding out all about the brain damage issues it can cause.

I have also heard it said that the older they are when they start using the faster the drug using time will go...Do you know how long your son has been using?

I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that there are other moms out here who can identify with where you are at with your son. I totally get that you love him with all your heart but don't "like" him very much. Makes perfect sense.

You may have already heard this suggestion but it might be a REALLY good idea to visit a local Al Anon meeting and share your story, listen to others, etc. I think you would find a great deal in common with folks there as well as here.

I suggested on another thread yesterday that the parent might want to put locks on their door and buy a safe for jewelry, etc. Might be a good idea for you to do this while your son is in the hospital at this moment, especially since you know he is shop lifting/stealing.

I'm glad you found the board...this is a wonderful place to reach out to others and know that you are not alone and that there is support and hope and new ideas etc to be found. I also REALLY hope you'll find your way to an Al Anon meeting as well.
Hugs,
Tammy

[Scooby]

AMB,

YOur son sounds a lot like mine. I too am heartbroken and desparate as I feel the clock ticking until he's 18. He turns 17 tomorrow.

I feel like a failure.
I feel devestation and grief.
I feel helpless and hopeless.

I dont know any answers at all. And I am not happy that either you or I needs to be here -but I am happy to hear your story and tell you, you are not alone.

I guess we'll journey this together?

[Ephchap]

Hi AMB and welcome. Sorry about missing the other post, but know that we're here.

My son's behavior spun out of control and when I searched his behaviors, I found ODD/conduct disorders and landed here in this wonderful place. For my son, the behavior was all due to his drugging issues, which had spun out of control. He has dx of ADHD and OCD, but when he began self medicating with the drugs, it actually heightened all his bad behaviors to the point of not recognizing him.

We were fortunate that he entered into a long-term (10 month) dual (psych and substance abuse) diagnostic residential facility from just after his 17th birthday until his 18th birthday. Unfortunately, prior to entering the facility, he had been arrested for those behaviors while drugging and has several misdemeanors and a felony on his adult record (Michigan considers 17 year olds adults).

There's always the woulda, coulda, shoulda - if only he'd have gotten the help he needed before breaking the law, but like you, we had exhausted countless avenues trying to get him help, but were unsuccessful.

We have each had to go through different facilities, professionals, schools, rehabs, etc. to find what works for our troubled teens. There is no one answer that works for everyone, unfortunately.

Some of the things we tried were a full evaluation at a university hospital where a team of doctors evaluated him while he was kept in the psych unit of the hospital for a week. That was right after he first received his OCD dx and they were trying to find the right med combo for him, and keep him away from the marijuana he had begun smoking.

We also tried countless rehabs - both in and outpatient, 3 day stays, a 14 day stay, an outpatient sponsored by United Way for the drugging.

Where I did finally find help before his long residential stay was through my county's MHMR Agency. They referred me to a smaller agency who did evaluations and they agreed that all that we had tried didn't help and suggested the long-term stay.

As you can see, like many of us here - I also went through countless places searching for help. I was determined to get him help before it was too late. With my son's drugging, he had to be the one to want to change, but trust me when I say that I pushed and pushed as much as possible, knowing that if I didn't, he would have been in jail for life or worse.

We're here, to offer whatever insight or help we can, or to just be a place to vent, cry, lean on. We have all been there, some still currently there, in that situation you describe - frightened and feeling helpless. The good thing is that you are not alone - you can lean on us.

Again, welcome. I'm sorry you had to find us as things are not going well for you at home, but we're here. You've found a great supportive group of parents.

Hugs,
Deb

[Rotsne]

For a start: I don't believe in the term ODD. The top doctors in our country has publicly declined to treat this illness.

You have a son, who are self-medicating himself for some reason. It is too late to lock him in a dog-cage in a boarding school and it would not have been the right answer from the start of.

He is adult in a couple of years. He needs to learn how to stand on his own feet and the best teacher is you.

You need to do some sacrifies.

First I will recommend that you go some place which is isolated to wear his drugs off. Most drugs will leave the body in some 8-10 days. A wilderness trip for your both would be both cheaper than the courses for troubled teens and because you are in fact conducting one long family therapy session during the course, it only need to last about a week. If wilderness is not possible, the rent a cabin a remote place and get family to serve you with supplies. Go for a hike during the day to make the time go faster.

The second sacrify you need to do is to starve. Inform him that he is in charge of dinner one or two days a week. Because he could use the money for dinner in a less wise way, he just have to tell you what he needs and you will do the shopping, but if he cannot manage to make dinner you all will go to bed starving. Don't cave in regardless of how hungry you are. He needs to be ready to live on his own.

Taking him out of circulation for a short period and giving him

responsibility have been tried with success.

I hope for the best and pray for you.

[Ropefree]

Hello...I am so sorry to hear how frightening this all is and I hope you find solace here
over time. My son is not having the drug issues and so forth, but what I am seeing in the 16+ years where there are already issues the preasure on parents is overwhelming.
Frankly, I feel that part of the larger issue for teens is that we lack a participatory attitude toward the lives of our teens. They are especially at odds with the economy now and all the lack of work for everyone is especially a challenge for the youth. That is what, ultimately, an adult has to take up.
When there are obvoiusly unmet needs such as I feel huffing and so forth does suggest getting the ball rolling toward matching those is clear and urgent.
I hope that you are seeking as much help for your own sanity and learning about what can be done.
I am so unhappy with the way that teens are vunerable and have access to such damaging substances and that as a general society we are as yet not ready to met the needs in this age group better.
I think that when we feel that we do not like our children it is the worst feeling.
It hurts so much that someone that does mean much to us is acting badly and can not seem to make any worthwhile efforts.
Hopefully you will be able to set limits and that you will receive the psyc input if this reflects an as yet undetected condition. Meanwhile be ready to take on the journey from here and eventually see it through to a better time.

[katya02]

Hello, sorry I missed your first thread - I've been away a lot lately. I'm sorry you're having so much trouble and pain. You've taken very positive steps, though, in deciding enough was enough (or too much) and getting your gfg into a treatment program. Good for you! Even if he isn't ready to completely turn his life around he'll get lots of information that may go a long way toward changing his mind. That happened with our gfg - he went, kicking and screaming so to speak, and ended up really listening to the info they had for everyone. I'm not going to say he's totally turned around but he's clean currently, and sober, and has held a job for three weeks (hooray!). I hope your teen will take in the information at the program and think about it.

The program will almost certainly do random drug testing on your gfg which is also a good thing. Since he's a minor, you should have access to the results. You might also do home drug testing if you have any further concerns. Whatever you do, do not take your teen off into the wilderness to detox, however (it doesn't sound like you have that in mind anyway). Depending on what a gfg has been on, detoxing can be medically dangerous and no one should be in the wilderness by choice while coming off drugs.

I hope the staff at the treatment center will discuss diagnoses with you - ODD in a 17 year old isn't really a practical diagnosis; if they have him on a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant they should discuss more than ODD with you. If you can find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group to attend it will be immensely helpful to you.

By the way, has your son been checked in the past for learning disorders or other diagnoses?

Good luck and stay strong; you're on the right path and you've found a good place here!