New here; desperate for help

[92025]

My 14 son has been suffering from depression due to tracking down his dad he never met on facebook 2 years ago and receiving little attention from him. He has been smoking a lot of weed and drinking some; got expelled twice and been arrested twice, wants to sleep all day, defiant, sarcastic, etc. He refuses to cooperate with any counselors or attend a treatment program to help him. The other day I found about 20 horizontal cuts on his arm; he is cutting himself now; i was so horrified I lost control, began screaming at him and even slapped him. Now he has run away. From researching cutting I now realize my reaction was terrible but I am literally going bat-sh** crazy with his refusal to do anything to help himself - I can't just stand back and watch him suffer without trying to do something but nothing is working.

[AmericanGirl]

Have you contacted police? Does he have other pending legal issues?

I'd see a therapist myself. Mine has really helped me cope. She has also assisted me in getting a plan together of boundaries and consequences for my son. Al-anon or Families Anonymous can be huge helps. al-anon has helped me see I didnt cause this nor can I cure it. However, I can do things which will encourage him to get help...and do plenty which will help me get sane.

My son hasn't seen his father for many, many years. His father emailed him about a year ago. It wasn't pretty but most all of my son's issues come from him, not from his father. Just my two cents.

Keep posting. Lots of wisdom around here.

[92025]

Yes i reported his running away to the police, however they said they don't look for runaways but if they pick him up for something else then they'll call me. He has a pending court date for getting caught with beer, he had a prev arrest for weed and did a diversion program. He's been seeing a therapist, however it has not seemed to help and the therapist lost his license for having an affair with an adult patient. He's been put on Zoloft about 6weeks ago by a psych nurse and we are supposed to see her again Tues. I've tried to talk him into a day program and he refuses and the hospital says the standards to force someone in are very high nowadays and pretty hard to do.

[AmericanGirl]

I understand. Been there myself. The only thing that worked with mine is giving him two choices...treatment or the streets. Yours being younger...you cannot throw him out.

I'd suggest talking with the experts. See that they think you need to do. They know him and his needs.

Does he have a cell? If so, I would turn my son's off so the only person he could contact was me. He'd call just to tell me his phone wasn't working.

Can you get into his computer? facebook? That may give you a good idea of what is going on.

[92025]

his phone got taken away about a month ago when he called me a ***** for making him wash the dishes. I got into his facebook and gmail when he left a few days ago, there wasn't that much helpful info in it but he figured it out and changed the passwords so I'm out again. He's lost his phone, computer, tv in his room, skateboard, been grounded and can't close his bedroom door for various different bad behaviors. He has nothing left to take away so this is not working. Plus he's gone anyway

[AmericanGirl]

I know....I've taken everything away but oxygen. Literally took his door once. These kids will adapt.

Mine ran away once. Told him if he did it again I would put signs up all over town and post it all over Facebook. Public humiliation works with him. He never did it again.

Dr. phil says to find their currency. What works with him....use that.

[92025]

Hey! I like the signs all over town idea! Finally something I haven't tried! Thanks so much

[exhausted]

9,
Welcome to the board. I have a 17 year old runner who started this behavior at 14 as well. Normal consequences don't work for these kids. We stripped her room and took away all media-she just ran or went to the Apple store and used their internet. Even went to the library and we had to cancel her library card. All this didn't work. Running is a huge power/control thing they use. We have used all the expert advise on this one-finially we were told that because her safety was so at stake an RTC was the only option. She has spend about 3 years in 2 different RTCs and we spent thousands of dollars and, we still have the same behaviors- she even came out with new and worse behaviors. Sometimes we have several weeks of good progress and then back at it we go.
AG-I like the signs idea too. Haven't done that and mine is a constant runner so I guess I should have a bunch of durable signs made!!

We have tried many medications. Every SRIs (like zoloft) have caused her to either threaten or try suicide. We tried one mood stabalizer and that agitated her. Medications have to be tried and changed and messed with. That is difficult when they run and are not consistant with taking the meds. Mine is on the run as we speak and did not take any of her meds with her as usual.

When they run it so scary. I use to not be able to sleep and I would be searching and calling every number-I was frantic. I am now to the place where I have to tell myself she always comes home, I didn't cause this behavior, we have done everything possible, and I have to let my higher power take care of her.

At 14 you should be able to place him in treatment (although I guess a few states don't allow that). We had ours taken to the first private RTC by their "bouncers" who they employ to pick kids up, even from other states because here, until they are 18 they have no say.

When you go to court, I would ask for a more intensive RTC-not out patient. The JJC case worker should know what they have. They do try to guard these because they are costly. If you can get her/him on your team they usually want to help and will support you in court. I was on the phone weekly with ours. He is a runner and you can plead for his safety based on that. In my experience, this helps some kids (has not helped ours). At least she was safe, learning new skills, dealing with her issues, no access to pot, and getting credit for school. We attended family sessions and courses that helped us learn the special skills she was learning for her particular mental health isues. This was helpful for us. Usually they have dual diagnostic places available where they deal with drugs and mental health issues.

Keep posting and let us know when he gets home. I know this is scary for you. ((Hugs))

[Kathy813]

Hello and welcome to the CD family. Many of us (if not all) on this forum have been where you are now. There are things that you can do. It sounds like you have already taken some good steps.

1) I would call the police and report him missing. If nothing else, it will start a paper trail that you may need in the future. Call every time that he takes off.

2) It sounds like it is time for a residential treatment center. Do you have insurance? If so, I would act immediately. Some on the board have used wilderness programs and others have sent their child to a rtc. Since he will not do what you say, is running away, and nothing else is working, I think that an rtc/wilderness program might be all that is left.

Keep posting! You will receive lots of support and advice. Use what helps and ignore the rest. BTW, Al-Anon has a saying that really helped me in our darkest days with our daughter. It is called the three C's: You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. All you can do is reach out for help for your son. Posting here is a great first step.

~Kathy

[pasajes4]

Yep. Time to call on a higher power.....the law. We can't fix these kids, but we can hold them accountable.