New Here - I'm losing my 13-year old to pot

[helpme]

but I blew it by staying too long in an emotionally abusive marriage and letting
my kids see my ex disrespect me.

ditto-BUT you/we took responsibility for our mistakes and did our best to make them better!

Now I'm trying to put my life back together at the same time
I'm trying to save two emotionally damaged kids and a younger one who, thankfully,
doesn't have a diagnosis.

And I'd bet the farm you are doing a great job

I'm moving soon and my two older ones are not coming with me,
and it is a great relief.

BEST of luck to you! Wish I could go too!

Claireisma,
I don't know if this mentality might help you, but maybe it will. When I first starting
going through what you were I was an absolute mess. There was no doubt about
it. I was going to fight for my son to get better no matter what. But what mattered
most was the girls. I could see my son getting wilder and I knew that all I could do
is make my life as stable as possible, because I knew I was still setting an example
to him. I was going to choose to embrace the kids and life I had wanted. Yes, its
very hard alright. But it proved my point that I could change and my lifestyle could
change, therefor showing GFG that he could do the same. And for the girls, they
could also make better choices than I, and they did not have to tolerate such
behavior either. But you have to remember, with or without our own mistakes as
parent, they might have chosen the same turmoil they are living within right now.
There is nothing, absolutely nothing we could do to change that. And if we dwell
on the guilt, or the regret of that, we continue to enable and show a poor example
of living.

And she forgot to mention flat broke because I'm spending the last of my 401K
trying to save a 13 year old boy who doesn't have to be a drug addict.

No, he doesn't have to be a drug addict, but HE is choosing his choices.

As far as the husband (and maybe son's behavior) to and with you,
I'd definitely start making a stand.
Figure out a statement (from the most important goal you need to achieve
with them) and repeat it over and over and over.

An example,
I will not be talked to in this manner. When you are calm, please call me.

Another example,
I do not cuss at you. Please do not cuss at me.
Or Please do not cuss in front of the children.

Stand by your statements, and the minute you gets out of line, stop! Hang up!
Make simple statements that your other children will remember during their
childhood, and so it "sets in".

Repeat the same statement to the other kids. Add sentences such as
I don't want you tolerating anyone talking or treating you like that. Younger
ones can hear something like, would you want your son or husband talking
to you like that? I don't want that for you. I am your example. I will do
my best to show you that is not right and I don't want you being treated
like that or treating anyone else like that.

I will not be talked to in this manner. When HE is calm, he may call me.

You might also add a line such as, I am story you think you are able
to talk to me like this/that. Or I am sorry you have learned to act like this.
Or I am sorry I didn't teach you correctly.

Try to keep these statements short though,
as GFG's need to Keep It Simple.

Then go a step further, such as, learning to evaluate his "condition" when he
does call. Attempting to be objective is very difficult, but if you learn to detach,
it is the easiest thing ever. You will see his irrationalities better than you ever
could have dreamed of. It will give you strength to handle even bigger problems.
Break the first goal of cussing at me, and we will repeat it until the day I/WE die.

Like you just can't not participate - so when is enough enough?

That lands you in detachment directly! It is very very difficult. As you have heard
here, children die of overdoes, accidents, end up in jail, pregnant and other terrible
life stuff happens every day.

Try my example in small form and
you will lead yourself directly into attachment without fighting it, like so many
(myself included) have done.

If necessary, wash, rinse, and repeat.

If you achieve him talking to you in a nice manner, move to the next goal or
objective. Praise and reward yourself, praise GFG/husband to your other kids,
and get ready for the next goal.

You will accidentally find yourself, making goals and rewards for yourself and
everyone around you. You will learn to detach and make objective, unbiased
decisions, based on GFG or whomever. You will find yourself planing, having
a top plan, a backup plan, and an emergency plan for things you never
even realized before.

Remember b4 we got married and were dating. If joe blow cussed at us, we
broke up with them. Period. If this happened we did this. Well marriage and
kids I think make us loose those boundaries. Those boundaries are very crucial
to our health. I think this is why it is so hard for us moms to "detach". We
forgot where to draw the line.

Good luck to you.

[recovering doormat]

Remember b4 we got married and were dating. If joe blow cussed at us, we
broke up with them. Period. If this happened we did this. Well marriage and
kids I think make us loose those boundaries. Those boundaries are very crucial
to our health. I think this is why it is so hard for us moms to "detach". We
forgot where to draw the line.

This is true in my case. I tolerated treatment from my ex and our kids that I would never have as a single woman. I was told repeatedly by therapists and SW's that we needed limits and boundaries. It has taken me many years but this advice is finally sinking in.

[susiestar]

I am so sorry things are so traumatic for you. The others make great points.

sending lots of hugs.

[claireisma]

I love the wonderful inspiration I get here. You ladies are truly amazing. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your advice (I'm copying and pasting the words you said) and just for reaching out to me.

Claire