New here, w/ 16 yr old GFG

[jaycee]

Hi everyone,

I just found this site last night and am so relieved that I did! Just reading through some of your posts makes me realize I am far from alone in what I'm dealing with right now, and just knowing that helps.

My son is 16 years old, and the last two years have been a nightmare.
In that time, he has become addicted to marijuana (which, of course, he thinks is no big deal -- "everyone smokes it, mom."), his emotional reactions were so out of the norm that he has gone through two counselors and a psychiatrist, is diagnosed with bipolar and mood disorder for which he is currently taking Geodon (after claiming Abilify and then Risperdol didn't help -- I am suspecting he's hoping to get a different drug that will get him high, honestly...).
He has a history over these two years of flying into uncontrollable rages (I have at least 5 holes in our walls, broken lamps/mirrors/etc), and threatens suicide as well as becoming self-destructive during the rages by hitting himself in the head or attempting to open car doors as we drive, for example.

Before he started doing drugs, he was a decent student and a talented athlete in three different sports. As of right now, he is involved in no sports at all and we are working on a plan with the school to support him academically. He lost out on a varsity sport due to grades, then got back on his team and was kicked off within two weeks after the police pulled him over and caught him with weed (a civil violation in our state). I spent an hour in the police station with him while they pressured him for information about his dealer.

Text messages I've found make it clear that as recently as a couple of months ago, he was dealing drugs. He was accused of that at school last year, denied it, swore he'd straighten out, etc., but nothing worked, apparently. I've found things in his room (bongs, pipes, lighters, small amounds of weed), and last week discovered that he has been pulling apart the inhalers we give him for his asthma and turning them into pipes. He doesn't see why that's sick.

I think he does other drugs. He has admitted to "trying" ecstacy and Adderol, but swears he doesnt' do anything but weed. But he is an accomplished liar at this point, and I am scared he's taking more serious stuff. There have been a couple times he's come home way more out of it than I know marijuana would make him...

We had put a car on the road for him before Christmas, after a period of no obvious incidents, but that was a huge mistake, of course. It's now in the garage, and he knows he won't be driving it again unless he gets clean and pulls his life together. If ever.

He is defiant to the point that we cannot control him. He cannot be grounded, because he either destroys the house or runs away. There isn't much left to take away from him -- most of his electronics are gone (sold for drugs, I am sure), and the cell phone is all that's left.

Sorry to ramble here...there's even more I can tell you, but you get the idea.
At this point, I know he will either be in jail soon, or needs to go to a rehab.
He is totally uncooperative -- threatens suicide/becomes destructive when I mention getting him help by sending him to a rehab or therapeutic school, won't submit to drug testing, goes out with all of his druggie friends no matter how much we object...

I guess right now, I'm wondering if any of you who've been through something similar can give me any advice on getting that level of help for a kid who is so resistant to it.

I have a 10 year old daughter who has been traumatized by her brother's outbursts and behavior, too.

Thank you for listening. It's good just to get it out, you know?

[janebrain]

Hi Jaycee,
I have very little time but wanted to welcome you. I am going to ask people over on "general" to respond to you--this forum doesn't always get read as much.

I have a gfg who started into drugs and alcohol at about age 12 or 13 and we sent her to an rtc at age 16 and then she went to a couple of rehabs after that. I know how disturbing and upsetting this is!

Hugs to you,
Jane

[klmno]

I'm not sure how helpful I can be but wanted to welcome you. I have a 15yo but so far, he has not developed a drug problem- although we 've had plenty enough of other types of problems. I, however, did have a drug issue as an older teen/young adult and it took treatment for the underlying problems I had (after getting off the drugs) in order tao change. That, of course, takes the willingness and desire to change one's self. So I'm not sure how much you can help your son until he cones to these conclusions himself. You can help him along that road, but depending on what resources are available in your area and how they handle juveniles with these types of problems will have a lot to do with how effective this will be.

Primarily, I'd recommend turning him in to authorities if he's becoming aggressive or stealing from you or doing anything to cause real fear in a younger sibling. Whether or not you want to turn him into authorities for drug usage/possession/dealing might warrant checking into what your local authorities do about it first. Some juvenile systems seem to blow it off and do nothing, some do nothing more than punish the kid, but some will put the teen on probation and order/provide treatment for it and monitor them to make sure they are staying away from the drugs, or they get detention. It might be worth making an anonymous call to your juvenile courts services to ask what they typically do.

I would suggest a private treatment program- either in patient or outpatient, but honestly, I can't see it doing a lot of good if he won't even acknowledge a problem and doesn't appear to want to stop.

[antsmom]

Your son is out of control...sounds very similar to what I went through ten years ago with mine. "Just pot" is not JUST pot. Your son is forgetting that you provide the roof overhead and in order to get that roof and food he has to comply to your rules. I hope you are going for counseling help to strengthen you through this time. I really like this website: http://www.empoweringparents.com/cat...y-Behavior.php It is james Lehman's no nonsense parenting advice. please read it thoroughly. I wish I had that when my son was 16.

Once your son defies your rules of curfew and starts breaking things and kicking holes in walls, it is a losing battle for you unless you get him to know the world has consequences. First, tell him that if he breaks anything or kicks anything, you are calling the cops. Then when he does it, call them. Make him pay for all repairs to your home.

Do not give him use of the car. As you know he was using it for bad stuff anyways and could injure someone if he drives while high. In fact, I sold my son's car when he was 16 and used the money to pay myself back for the damages he cost me.

If your son runs out when he has been told to stay in, tell him you will report him as a runaway. You are going to need police records and in-depth journaling by you as he follows this path. Reason being...is that one day when he does get in trouble with juvenile you can hand them the documented stuff and help them find him a place to go that would suit his needs. If he stays out past curfew, lock him out. Let him spend a night on the porch cold. No harm in that. Retake your power!

He is getting older and soon the system won't want him, but you can also try calling social services and report him as an incorrigible minor. This might put some limits on him. In PA they call it filing for a petition of incorrigibility.

Who is paying for the cellphone?? you? if so, stop now. he doesnt deserve it since he won't listen to house rules. If you have taken everything else off him, may as well try this...most kids hate not having their phone. You want to pay for text messages to deal drugs?? I really do not think he will commit suicide...he is acting out too much. Do not let him learn that his family will comply to his bullying and become his victims. His sister will be sure to develop health issues if she has to put up with watching this stuff. Worse, she might see that the kids are the boss and not you and when she matures, she might mimic this as well.

Why send him to a rehab or therapeutic school if he is not willing? Don't waste your money..you cannot force rehab on anyone. You have to do something now...you have two full years before you can legally throw him out and will have to survive some how. Educate yourself and get counseling. Today sit him down and tell him the new rules.

My son was like yours, I got the cops involved when I saw it was a losing battle. He ended up in a juvenile facility from age 16 to 18. DUIs led him to jails and prison. He is 26 and in AA now and functioning in the real world, some people take a while to grow a brain.

[everywoman]

You are living my story. My son is now 22. He is still doing the same stuff he was doing 6 years ago---he's just better at hiding it. He has not job. His car is wrecked. He lives with his grandmother because he is not allowed to live at home. He will not grow up. He will not accept responsibility for his life. I have spent a small fortune trying to get him help. Nothing worked. Now I just love him. I don't do anything for him, but I love him. I accept that he has the right to live his life the way he chooses. I have the right not to have to be involved in his choice. I quit fight him and let him go---detachment with love.

[dadside]

Welcome! I'm sorry you needed to find this place, but you did reach a good source of ideas, help and support.

Clearly, your son is doing more than just weed. Also, what he is using makes it impossible for any psychotropic medication (Geodon, for example) to be useful and have its effects wieghed. While he may have psychological issues, until drug use is stopped, other efforts are largely wasted.

To my mind, he won't stop drug use until he sees a reason to stop. For too many users, that comes (if ever) when thy hit bottom - homeless, broke, etc. My preference would be to intervene now, get drugs out of his system through a 60+ day program, then address other issues, including reasons to stay drug free in a longer term setting (therapeutic school). Forget a 30-day detox and/or rehab. Any combination of help lasting under 9 months, and probably longer, won't prove enough, absent a miracle.

Your options really depend on your resources and on where you live. If you can afford the cost of private placements, which would exceed $50,000 and could be more than double that, options are widest. If you can get a combination of third parties (insurance, local school, other) to cover the cost, options remain wide. If you can't get local school funding (a separate subject, and one that should not mention drugs), and can't otherwise manage the cost, you are left to rely on local (including state) resources. Some areas have good supports, others have little.

You said you are working on a plan with the school to support him academically. Done right (and without mentioning drugs), you may be able to get that into payment for a therapeutic school to address "the psychological issues" that affect his learning.

Getting your son to a chosen program is easy, but not free. There are excellent, responsible escort services available (plus a few not-so-good ones) who can get an unwilling teen to where they need to be.

I can add much more, but I think you've quite a lot of responses to consider. There is no sure answer, and no guarantee of success, but you do have to do something, whether with local authorities, private placement, or some combination. Let us know what more we can tell you.

[flutterby]

I could have been reading about GFG2.

When he's destructive and/or violent call the police. When/if he runs, call the police. He's leaving you little recourse and you can get help for him through the juvenile justice system. Once he reaches 18 (17 in some states), it's big boy jail and they're not as interested in doing rehab. GFG2 was put into foster care - ran from several times. Then in a therapeutic program - ran from 3 times (one time stealing a car to do so). Then they put him in a lockdown RTC that was dual diagnosis, meaning it is geared for drug abuse and mental illness.

You're running out of time with how much influence you'll be able to have and how much help you'll be able to give - force - on him. Once he's 18, there's not much you can do.

[MidwestMom]

Hi there, hon. I'm so sorry you had to find us, but we're pretty supportive. We get it and know it's not your fault.

I have a daughter (now 25) who started smoking weed at 12. We didn't find out the total extent of her drug use until she quit, then my head reeled. According to her (and take what you want from it) "I just use pot" is usually a big fat lie especially if the child is spiraling out of control, but most parents don't freak out as much over "I'm smoking pot" as "I'm doing ecstacy and cocaine and even tried heronie and I shoot up). My daughter did all of these and she also acted so crazy they diagnosed her with bipolar, however, at least in her case, she certainly doesn't act bipolar now that she's clean. Drugs are nasty business. If your child really has a disorder, the meds will not work if he is using ANY recreational drugs or drinking. The first thing to do is to stop the drug use...of which you can't know the extent.

If I had known how steeply daughter was involved in drugs, I would have tried to put her into an RTC. She was on parole twice and in psychiatric hospitals (drug users and addicts get good at "playing the game" and getting out fast). Even her drug test came out clean. She laughs about that and says "It must have been a bad test or maybe I hadn't used for a week or so." Not everything shows up. As for the RTC, I agree that it can't cure him unless that's what he wants, but he will be away from "the friends." "The Friends" are the ones he does this stuff with and who make it really hard for him to quit, even if he wants to.

At sixteen, you are not going to have an easy time changing him if he lives at home. My daughter didn't change until she turned eighteen and we finally made her leave because the youngest two could have been taken away from us (the drugs she hid in her room sometimes AND the bongs and other cute stuff were illegal). Plus they were traumatized seeing her handcuffed by the police a few times when she was out of control and in a drug frenzy. She was lucky: Her brother from another state took her in. He is a straight arrow and read her the riot act and, since she truly wanted to quit, away from her friends she did start over, and her life changed for the better. Your child being around his friends is toxic. Do anything you need to do to get him away from them. An RTC is a good way to keep him off the street.

In the end, he will stop when HE wants to stop. Nobody can make him. But remember that many kids who are wild in high school do clean up, like my daughter, who is doing really well. So don't give up. Please keep us posted and let us know what you decided to do. Going to Narc-Anon is also VERY helpful for real life support from people who have been there/done that. (((Hugs))) and take care of YOURSELF in spite of all the chaos. You can't help your son if YOU are a wreck!

[DDD]

Glad you found us. Sorry you had to. It is frightening to have your child turn from a source of pride to a source of fear. If you read the archives and old posts you will know how much of your story we have lived. Sad to say none of us have "the" answer...because there really is not one answer.

Addiction is ugly and rarely is it short lived. Many will say there is no advantage to seeking programs if your son is not
ready to accept responsibility for his issues. Otoh there are
occasional success stories with early intervention. That choice has to be yours. I sent our grandson to two rehab programs. DJJ sent him to a third. In retrospect I wish I had found the 2nd program first because there is a slight chance he would have faced his issues in a healthier way.
Otoh I have no way of knowing if it would have changed the outcome.

There was no violence in our family so we didn't have to involve law enforcement. After years of sharing this Board I do believe that there has to be a zero tolerance when harm is a factor. I'm thankful I didn't have to walk in those shoes.

There is a window of opportunity prior to 18. You can take steps in hopes that he has an awakening. It is costly from a $ aspect as well as an emotional aspect. Even if your son
does not take a program to heart, he will have information
that might help him in the future.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish you well and hope you
continue to seek the freedom of expression that the CD Board allows. I'm sorry you are walking in our shoes. DDD

PS: I very strongly suggest that you get counseling pronto for your younger child. The depth of the impact needs to be addressed now and not years in the future. The "good" kids
stifle their needs and try to support the parents. It is not a healthy situation and frequently leads to later problems.

[jaycee]

When I saw all of your posts offering so much support, it brought tears to my eyes -- thank you so much! I can't tell you what it means to know I'm not alone. I wish none of this was happening to any of us (or our GFGs...), but I am so relieved to have found this forum.

You've all given some really good advice and I truly appreciate it...
Just a little while ago I found over $100 in his wallet, then checked his cell phone. All kinds of texts between him and several other kids, mentioning vicodin, dilaudin, adderol, and "jams", which I understand is likely oxycontin?

I don't know...I am just so heartbroken and feel so helpless, you know?
I had said if I saw evidence of dealing that he needed to move out, but he is only 16 (17 next month - will be charged as adult then, for anything he does). I have nowhere to send him that would be any better for him, unless it's to inpatient rehab. He threatens to kill himself if we send him to one; with his history, I'm terrified he'll follow through...

I shut his phone off -- won't pay for him to use it for what he's doing...
But that doesn't solve much, of course.
I haven't found much in his room yet, but I'm still searching.
I did find a backpack with a jar and a cloth in it -- I assume it means he's huffing, too...

I'm so scared for him, and so angry with him, and so unbearably sad at the moment.
I will do something. I just don't know what yet.
I think our insurance will pay for 60 days somewhere, but I will need to find out (our financial situation right now is pretty bad, unfortunately).

I'm going to keep browsing this site; you all have so much good info here and I feel lucky to have found you all.

Thanks again, for all the advice, and for listening to me "vent".