New here, w/ 16 yr old GFG

[antsmom]

Jaycee, I typed a long response and it went to cyberworld apparently.

Your son will get a cricket phone probably today. He is not going to stop as dealing makes more money than working. he is now going to go more underground to hide his dealings.

He will also have to deal to get his cut of drugs.

Tell him:
if he threatens suicide, next time, you are calling 911 and then do it. It will buy him three days in a psych ward and he can then be released when he is no longer a threat to himself. While there they can address the drug abuse as well. Do not let fear keep you from standing firm. He is bullying you. Be more afraid that his drugging actions will lead to the morgue.

take the door off his room and tell him your home will not house drugs. tell him his room is subject to search any time day or night and he has lost his privacy like you do in jail when you are not trustworthy

don't nag him or argue with him, instead tell him you know you did not cause this, you cannot control it or cure it unless he wants help. Tell him that since you cannot stop him, you will now only offer a roof and food and no extras of any kind. no money, no rides, nothing. Be flat toned and firm in the voice. Otherwise you and your son will be at war.

if he would like to know where this leads, tell him the morgue or prison

if he would like to call me and I can tell him what jail is like, I would be happy to talk to him. in fact, I will go look up a letter my son wrote to one of the sons here while he was in jail and you can print it and leave it on his dresser to read.

you cannot force a person to rehab. my son was in inpatient rehab only after OD'ing on heroin at 18, he left within 24 hrs after I spent two days in two hospitals with him. He left because he felt better. I then insisted on outpt rehab and he left there with another guy to do drugs while I was over at the parent mtg side. He was 18 and I then threw him out..one of the many times.

My son does not do drugs and won't have anything to do with druggies. However, many druggies turn to alcohol after because they think it is safe. My son is a recovering alcoholic going to AA now-funny thing he turned from drugs to Vodka and then to simply beer-lots of it. AA keeps him in check. his choice. I told him he can live however he wants, just not here. I also told him that his choices will make his life miserable but mine will go on just the same. He finally felt enough pain from those choices to change.

((((((HUGS))))))))) you might want to pick up a book I have recommended a zillion times: codependent no more by melody beattie. she is a mother of a son who did drugs.

[antsmom]

here is the link to my son's letter. My friend Ken helped with that site. At the time my son was in jail for a two yr stint. He did get out and in 9 months later got a 4th DUI, took a plea bargain for a sentence in prison. Good behavior and finishing his programs got him out in 15 months. He has been out over a year now.

Go to this link and scroll down to the middle page to see the letter. Show it to your son and if he wants me to call him I will.
http://nevertheless-psst.blogspot.co...from-jail.html

[gottaloveem]

You have received great advice from some of the most admirable warrior moms.
You do need to get tough. You cannot let him play by his own rules and run your house. I know it is hard but you will learn how to do it here.

As far as his drug use goes, I definitely agree that he is deeper into harder stuff then you know. They always admit to pot only. They will only tell you what they want you to know. I also know by experience that not all drug tests detect everything. My son once said to me "mom, I have no idea how only pot showed up" (this pertains to a drug test given to him when he was taken to juvy) he admitted this to me once all the cats were out of the bag.

Our son was much like any typical gfg type teen. We knew that he was out of control and were learning how to deal with it all. We also knew there must have been some other type of drugs involved. Heroin is becoming common in many suburban cities across the country. Rumors were flying about Alex using heroin and we were called by two people. Of course he denied it up and down left and right. My worse fears were confirmed when shortly after, he admitted heroin use as he was going cold turkey to get off. He was able to get a prescripition for suboxone to wean off of the drugs. He did refuse further treatment. I was drug testing him at home. Things were great for 3 weeks till he relapsed and died in our basement at his computer while we were sleeping upstairs. We had no idea how huge the heroin problem was in my community.I am not trying to scare you or insinuate your son is using heroin, just trying to spread awareness. My husband and I never would have thought heroin.

You have found the best place on the internet for support and advice. All the moms here will help you find your warrior mom coat of arms and use it. It's tough, and chances are things will get worse before they get better, but you are in very good hands here.

Good luck, I'm glad you found us.

Lia

[antsmom]

Things were great for 3 weeks till he relapsed and died in our basement at his computer while we were sleeping upstairs. We had no idea how huge the heroin problem was in my community.I am not trying to scare you or insinuate your son is using heroin, just trying to spread awareness.

Lia, You are wonderful and I have enjoyed our many emails. I have shared your son's story with many folks in that boat and am presently interacting with a woman whose daughter OD's time and again, the mother rescues her and it goes back down the drain once more.

Perhaps Lia, you may want to know that like you I could step back and leave this all behind. My son is no longer a teen and really does not need my interervention anymore. Still I am compelled to try and stop this at the root somehow. I know another mom now whose son was in prison. She went thru his whole time with him being supportive and proud of him. She rejoiced when he completed his term. I believe he was out only 4 days and he went alone to a hotel and overdosed and died. After all this woman suffered, her son died. She now is a great source of support to others, she makes his life matter even more by sharing the details. Her insight from this painful life experience has been turned into a wonderful loving resource for others. ((((HUGS))))))

[DDD]

If your insurance will pay for sixty days Go For It. Check out every residential program that your insurance company will cover and then research each facility. The most expensive residential treatment program (which I avoided due to costs initially) had excess donation funds that supplement our health insurance...and a payment plan based on your income for the balance.

Will he become a sober living teen based on 60 days at a facility he does not want to go to? Probably not. Your family, however, will benefit from the lack of chaos. You will have time to keep researching options that you are comfortable with. Right now you are in turmoil (yes, we have all lived in fear for our child..and some in fear of their child) and the best choices can not be made when stress is
controlling your life.

Even if he comes straight back home the same or worse for the experience he will have learned something. Maybe all he will learn is that heroin is deadly, maybe all he will learn is "tricks" from the other teens but he will learn something.
You, meanwhile, can learn to live without a racing heart or a flood of tears. You'll absolutely learn alot and will be able to figure out what your next steps will be before he comes home again.

I have been part of the CD family for ten long years. Over and over again kids threaten to kill themselves or run away
or...or... To the best of my knowledge there have only been two deaths (gunshot and a terrible fall). Threats are a way to control parents, or attempt to. Don't get sucked into that
idea. The way he is going he is apt to die from addictions or violence associated with addictions. He is no longer your little boy. (I have never sobbed like I did when a caring counselor told me "stop hoping to get your boy back..your boy no longer exists, you are now the parent of an addict".
That man was right.)

My post has brought tears to my eyes. Tears for you and for all of us. It's a terrible situation to adjust to but you can do it. Maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones who has a GFG who "sees the light" with the daily addiction support team.
I am praying for you. DDD

[maril]

Will he become a sober living teen based on 60 days at a facility he does not want to go to? Probably not. Your family, however, will benefit from the lack of chaos. You will have time to keep researching options that you are comfortable with. Right now you are in turmoil (yes, we have all lived in fear for our child..and some in fear of their child) and the best choices can not be made when stress is
controlling your life.

Agree that if he would be in a facility, your family will have a chance to research options and think more clearly without the chaos.

I understand how devastating it is to hear talk of suicide, as my son had threatened the same over a period of time. If it helps, we did find that prior to admission and then once he was safely in alcohol and drug inpatient treatment, backup from involved professionals helped us to deal with that fear.

It is at the very least frightening to deal with all of this on your own and it sounds like you are a prisoner in your own home; a terrible way to live, I know.

I also agree with the comments about treating the substance abuse problem first. My son has recently fallen back to using and can't continue with Abilify if he continues to use (booze and Abilify don't mix); practitioner suggests he go back into D&A treatment. We'll see what happens.

Good luck to you.

[helpme]

I'm reading and crying for all of you.
Thank you all for telling your stories, it does help so many more
people than you realize. You ladies are warriors alright, simply
amazing. Hugs and support and luck to all of you, and to all of
those affected by these kids behaviors (siblings and so forth).

[susiestar]

welcome. The first thing I want to say is that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. As parents we often try to figure out what we did to cause our children to turn to drugs, to do so many things that hurt themselves and us. There is no real why. It is NOT b/c something you said or did. Let that guilt and false responsibility go, you have more than enough to deal with w/o that.

Second - go find an AlAnon or NarcAnon meeting. Go to a meeting in the next few days. You will be surprised. You can look online for them or in the phone book. One of our AA/AlAnon chapters is listed in the phone book. It may also be listed in yours. Alcohol goes hand in hand with drugs, so either meeting is appropriate. Both use the same 12 steps, and those steps work if you work them.

I look at sub abuse from a different position than most here. My bro is a recovering alcoholic. He started drinking very early and then drugs came into the picture. I can guarantee that your dau has seen a LOT more than you know, and knows a lot that you don't. Likely he has threatened to hurt you, her, or himself if she tells. Get her into counseling. ASAP

You may also want to look through HER room It is quite common to hide stuff in a pc sib's room b/c that room prob won't be searched by parents. Pc (perfect child - not the one who brought you here) may or may not know what is hidden there. If she finds something and investigates she could be hurt badly.

You cannot make your son change. You can send him for treatment and it may be just what he needs. But it MUST be his decision to change. He threatens suicide if you send him to RTC or wherever. This is yet another signal that he needs professional supervision. Once he is in RTC they can monitor him 24/ or however much is needed. This is a very common threat (suicide) and most facilities are able to handle it. Personally I would be more comfortable having my gfg in a facility if he was threatening suicide rather than at home where I cannot really monitor him all the time.

If you use a transport service they will also be able to handle this.

It is important to call the police when he breaks the law. When you find drugs, alcohol, pipes, bongs, etc... call the police to have them dispose of them. Sooner or later the natural consequences of his actions will catch up to him.

I am so sorry. This is just a horrible thing to have to deal with. Remember that he simply CANNOT be trusted with anything at all. Provide just the basics until he earns more with good behavior.

Make sure you concentrate on your dau through this. It is easy to get slurped into thinking/worrying about gfg every waking minute. Let him worry about himself.

Many gentle hugs,

Susie