Paranoia - Maybe silly but...

[AlabamaGirl]

This may be silly but I cannot stop thinking about it. Hoping if I post then my mind will calm. My paranoia may be running amock...but - gfg really likes a rare band. He has their stuff on itunes but mentioned a few weeks ago that he would like to have the physical CDs at some point. Strangely, I happened upon them online this week. Bought 4 for less than $5. Worth $40+.

Told him what I had done and the CD were on their way. He seemed happy. Then got a little too interested in when they were arriving. I didn't get it as he doesn't have the ability to pay them at the dorm. Wanted me to bring them there as soon as they arrived. When they came, I was going to the store so I offered to pick him up some snacks and then drop them by. He agreed. When I arrived, I couldn't find him. Saturday night at 7 pm. He texted me an hour later and told me he fell asleep on the sofa in the common room. Yesterday, he calls to meet up. I'm out. CDs at home but snacks in car. He doesn't want me to drop off snacks without CDs.

I don't get the need to have these so badly. He has the music on his ipod.

I'm getting the feeling it is for the cash they may bring. Thinking about opening them and installing on the computer here as a 'favor' to him for when he updates his ipod here. Harder to sell opened CDs and impossible to return to the store (especially when your driver's license is gone due to a pending DUI.)

Its been two months since gfg's arrests. Two court dates looming. He took one less class this term (my idea) so he could have more time to work. Claims no one is hiring and he has looked everywhere. Even said he walked from dorm to WalMart (maybe 3 miles) to apply. (Huh, don't they just point you to a computer at customer service to apply?) Then he claimed he applied at a one chair barber shop. (To do what?) I don't say much, a lot of "Hmmm" and "That's great."

I don't know how he is getting cash to smoke cigarettes. He isn't going to any meetings anymore and I doubt he is sober.

On a brighter note, I am getting a rhythm to my empty nest which I like. It's different but a lot more peaceful.

[rejectedmom]

Most of us here would say to follow your gut. If you think he is using he probably is. If you think he is just going to sell the CDs for drugs then just tell him you have changed your mind and want to save themas a birthday or christmas gift whichever is further away. I too think he wants to sell them especially if he has no way to play them.

[Nancy]

Hmmmm well you have my paranoia running now too. If it were my gfg I would think she wanted them to copy and sell on campus. If it's a rare band he may be able to get some money doing that but the blank cd's will cost money and the time involved so idk.

I think you were overgenerous buying them for him but I've done the same thing so I shouldn't talk.

Nancy

[DDD]

GFG burns and cells CD's frequently and has for ten years. That's the only thing that seems to make sense to me unless there is a girl who is into music and that is his gateway to her. Frankly I wouldn't continue to worry about it and just resolve to myself that this is the only batch he's getting. I know, lol, I am not the poster child for detaching. Otoh I no longer allow myself to worry about what "could" be happening or what "could" be on his mind. It didn't help him a darn bit and it kept me in a near constant state of concern. Enjoy your peaceful house and then you'll have the strength to deal with future problems when and if they come. That's my two cents worth. Hugs DDD

[toughlovin]

I understand your paranoia.... and I would listen to it, especially since you haven't given him the CDs yet. I went to sleep last night thinking about the bike we just got gfg when we were in Florida. I figure he probably sold it and used the money for spice. The money really makes mem feel sick to my stomach..... but I am afraid to ask him about it. I don't want to hear the lies and I don't think I want to hear the truth either so I am just letting it go. But we are not getting him any more stuff.... we will pay the rent on the sober house and a bit for groceries for a while... but we are going to keep cutting it down to put the pressure on him to get a job.

Anyway many of us feel that paranoia and unfortunately often its true.

TL

[Signorina]

I wouldn't call it paranoia - just a case of btdt.

Let's face it - if your pc, straight A, chess club president wanted the CDs right away- you'd think you he was excited and you'd congratulate yourself on a gift well chosen!

You got the CDs because you're a mama reaching out to your son. The gfg in your son has reared his head
and triggered rightful EARNED skepticism.

I know you hate it. So do I. In fact I made a similar post about Christmas gifts a month ago. We're moms, following our hearts is what we do. Don't add guilt to the mix.

{{{hugs}}}

[exhausted]

Its so sad that we can't just give gifts without being taken advantage of. The truth is he could sell the snacks to. My gfg use to buy candy at the store with her babysitting money when she was a 7th grader. She'd take it to school and double her money by selling it to kids ( no vending machines so demand was high). I found out she was doing this to buy pot.

The only gift I feel good about is the gift of time or a family outing. Mine uses any money to ride the train to a city 30 miles away to see some friends and I'm sure smoke pot. She is always gone at least 2 days doing who knows what.

If this isn't feeling good, don't give them to him. I've caught myself before-buy something and then decide I can't give it to her. We have sworn we will buy only the basics-clothes, shoes, food, toiletries. We don't even give her many choices on these-she just takes advantage. Really stinks-because it sure would be fun to enjoy normal things with them. They have done this to themselves. We have to keep telling ourselves this. Hugs and hang in there.

[Nancy]

That reminds me of all the times I bought gfg something and took it back a few days later after finding out she stole something or smoked something or any number of things.

Nancy

[exhausted]

Oh Nancy BTDT! I just feel so stupid when I do that but...How can we let them keep stuff when they behave like they do? There have been times when I just go in and take stuff back. She never says anything. She knows what she's done.

Alabama Girl do what your gut says- we've all been there and either way there may be no feeling good about it.

[AlabamaGirl]

Thanks for the support. Every cell in my body says he is out of control. He has the first math exam tomorrow (in a class he has failed twice before.) I offered to help. Refused. Looked online and saw he hadn't attempted any of the homework or extra credit. When I asked, I was told that doing so only makes him less likely to do it.

While I understand that addicts think differently than we do, I still get angry than he is wasting my money for college and fearful of what he will do to support himself. I've raised this child on my own almost since the beginning. I have only one relative left who isn't an addict. When he falls (not if), he will look to me. Of course, if he is using, I know what to do. But, if he gets clean, then what do I do? If he plays away the money I have saved for his college, should I replace it? I guess what I mean is I'd love the opportunity to help him...and he doesn't want what I am trying to give.

It hurts.

Side question - does anyone have any advice on redoing a will to protect gfg in this situation? I don't want to leave him anything if he isn't sober. Yet I don't have any family capable of watching over it.