Paranoia - Maybe silly but...

[exhausted]

Alabama Girl,
You can appoint a trusted friend as executor of the will and money. I do think that you can have guidelines and requirements for using the money.

To me school just isn’t very important when gfg is using. I'm a teacher and boy did that take some work to get to that point. The hardest thing I ever did was spend college money on an RTC for gfg. The truth is, if they are not alive and well, they can’t go to school let alone benefit from the education. There are a few functioning addicts that make it-but benefit??? How long will he function if he is one of those? What about happiness? They have no chance for that when they are using.

When court happens, some choices may be taken away. He may have to get real. Or maybe-his hand will only be slapped. At this point in my gfg journey, I would not pay for college unless gfg was sober and not acting out-period. I'd rather spend the money on rehab if and when she wants helps. It has required that I shift my expectation and dreams for her. It has required that I grieve the loss of the smart/college ready child I thought I had. It is a day by day process. I tell myself often, this is no different than if I had the choice to give her life saving open heart surgery or sending her to college. There is no choice-she first must be alive and well. Addiction is a disease. ((Hugs))) I share your pain.

[Nancy]

I made my pc a trustee over gfg's portion of the money to be used only for her treatment if she is not sober and living expenses if she is.

Is there anyone you trust to be a trustee? It doesn't have to be a relative.

Nancy

P.S. I agree with exhausted.

[Signorina]

We are working on our wills also. Right now, our assets and life insurance proceeds go into a testamentary trust to be used for our kids' expenses by the trustee (my mom or my uncle) when our youngest turns 25, the remaining funds are distributed equally among our 3 kids. I have told my mom that if both h and I were to die and gfg is still a gfg at age 29, she should spend down the trust for the benefit of my two other children so that gfg gets as little cash as possible.

I believe a testamentary trust has to terminate when the "child" is 25 but it likely depends on the state. I think the max in any state is age 25 and it may be 21 in others. Since your gfg is only 18 you could set up your will that way and revise it if need be in 6 years. But you will need a trustee to oversee it - a friend, a lawyer, anyone?

[Signorina]

As far as college expenses, we will pay for expenses after he starts performing. (Though our gfg doesn't want any of "our" money because it's tainted by our so called desire to control him - so it's a mute point) H told him that if he goes back to school on his own dime and does well, we will pay for the NEXT semester. If he doesn't do well that semester, he is done. If he does well, we'll pay the following semester. etc

[Kathy813]

DH and I have thought long and hard over the will situation. Because of GFG, we have put off making the will for a long time. I was leaning toward making PC the executor and have her in charge of the money for GFG. However, that just didn't seem fair to burden PC with being GFG's financial guardian. I could see GFG hounding her for the money.

I am leaning towards just leaving an equal amount to both and let go and let God. If GFG burns through it on drugs, at least we won't be here to see it.

~Kathy

[Signorina]

Kathy - we are in the same place. we actually are redoing our wills because we redid them less than 2 years ago - making our then 18 yo pc (now gfg) the guardian for his younger brothers. At the time, we had no hesitation that he would be a wonderful parental figure for his brothers - thought we had set up some financial guidance from his grandmother and uncle.

Of course, we've had to spring into action to undo that short-lived will which begged the questions - do we write him out? Of course the answer was no - because neither one of us could bear that our last message to our son (gfg or otherwise) would be so final. So - we have some safeguards - primarily to protect 14 yo pc and give him the opportunity to be launched into adulthood -- but when pc14 is 25, the rest will be divided equally.

[AlabamaGirl]

I have much to think about. Thank you all...

It is just hard to see any good outcome for him if he fails this term. I have no choice but to pull him from school. I don't want him living here at that point. He'd make my life a living you-know-what.

Without a car and support system, the chances of him getting a job (and keeping it) are nil. He will end up on the street or in jail. Maybe he will decide to get treatment. I have zero control in that.

Going to put the CDs on eBay.

Going to tell gfg that he will need to find a ride to his court date in about a week. (He's going to plead youthful offender so they'll likely just do paperwork and give him a court date. Not hiring an attorney for this one - 3rd degree theft. No need for me to spend the evening dealing with him.)

Have found a good wills/estates attorney. Will call next week for an appointment. Going to ask him for advice in case I need to evict gfg so he can't move home if he screws up this semester. Also going to ask what kind of liability I have for his actions as you aren't an adult in Alabama until you turn 19. If this is going to turn the way I think it will, then I need to know when I can stop paying auto insurance on him. (Even though he has a suspended license now, I've been told to keep paying in case he decides to drive someone else's car and hurts someone - if so, I'm liable now.)

Thanks again....

[DDD]

Kathy "let go, let God" is what we finally decided to use. We have very little but GFG#1 will get 1/6 of what's there (he is getting GFGmom's share as we won't give her another cent...ever). Like you we had considered having one of our adult PC's be in charge but it really is a burden. Our attorney explained the complexities of setting up alternate choices and it made no financial sense for our circumstances. So..we have opted to include him as an equal and what he chooses to do...just like now...is his choice. Sigh!
DDD

[lovemysons]

Hi Alabamagirl,

Another here that agree's with Exhausted.

About the Will...DH and I have agreed to leave equal shares to our children, regardless of their "situations".

DH's mother (who was an alcoholic and big time enabler to DH's GFG sister) died and left Everything to DH's sister. DH's sister was an addict who would not/could not hold down a job and she was "raising" her son alone. I say "raising" because at one point GFG sister dropped off her son at our doorstep and drove away while her son knocked on our door and said, "Aunt T will you let me stay with you". While GFG sister drove away and no doubt party-ed all the while. I had told GFG sister that I no longer was going to be "used" by her UNLESS Dh and I were to adopt her son (which we actually considered at one point).
Anyway...poor DH felt like his mother had Punished Him for being a Success! Can't tell you the division it created after Dh's mother's death. DH really resents his sister for being such a GFG...and his mother for falling for it. He had overcome So SO much and done so well in life that he ended up with nothing from his mother...well, except the many boxes of her memorabilia etc since certainly couldn't be trusted in Dh's GFG sister's hands.

So...Because of that personal story we decided that regardless of success or failure by our children that we would distribute any wealth equally.

LMS

[Dammit Janet]

About the will. My father evidently died without a will though I will truly never believe that is true. It just doesnt feel right to me that a man who was so meticulous about everything else in his life would have been that short sighted. I mean he was an accounted for heavens sake! But my step-mother swears there was no will and no one has ever contacted me to say there was so I guess I will never know. He never told me.

One thing he did do was put money in my name along with his in a CD. I never knew about it. When I found out about it, it was actually something that I could have accessed at any time in the last 15 years because it was an account that was an either or account. I would bet my right arm that prior to that the account was listed in a different way. Maybe it was a 10 year CD in his name only with me as beneficiary but that I couldnt change it until the 10 years were up or something like that. Hoping that by the time the 10 years were up I would be a bit more grown up. I am also pretty sure that my father stayed around till I was all grown up and ready to make it in life on my own. I still am not completely sure he waited long enough sometimes...lol. But he did wait 84 years so I give him props for hanging in there a long time. I just miss my daddy. He did a good job.

Now my mom attempted to make a will that would cut me to the quick but I beat her out of it. She put it in her will that I was only to get $10 per year and that was if I was homeless and I could prove I needed that for medical care and I had a doctors note saying I needed it for some sort of over the counter medication such as cold items or bandaids or things like that. Everything else was to go to my oldest son. None of my other kids were to get anything. If I never became homeless then I would never receive a dime. I beat her though because when she became sick, I got POA over her and had to sell everything she had to take care of her other than her personal items and all the things I wanted that she had all my life are now in my house. Billy never wanted them to start with. I sold her house and bought my doublewide so I had a place big enough to take care of her along with my whole family. So there!