runaway child

[balloonchick]

i am needing some advice, my 14 year old son is living with my mother after I got engaged after dating a guy for a month. We had set a date for a year later wanting to give enough time for our kids to adjust.. his kids were wanting us married ASAP, my son moved out. Since he has moved out, my fiance was put in jail for driving without a license.. my son gave me an ultimatum of its either my fiance or him. My fiance has done nothing to my child and wants to adopt him and truely loves both my son and I unconditionally. My son has a history of physically assulting me and has done so recently in trying to make this situation normal. I havn't take it up with authorities but have told him he needs serious help and we need counseling, and he needs to come home.. or we need to take him to some sort of facility. He refuses to talk or see me and some ppl I talk to advice to give him space and time anothers say take action.. what is ur advice?

[habibi]

I'm going to be as tactful as I possibly can.

You got engaged to a man after dating him for ONE MONTH? The first few months of a new relationship are known as the "honeymoon period" for a reason. It takes a bit of time for the newness and excitement (and blindness) of love to make way for a more realistic assessment of each other. When you rushed into this relationship, you put your son at emotional and possibly physical risk. Your son knows this, although he may not have the verbal skills to express it. His reaction to your behavior was to flee the situation.

I think that there is a lot more to this story. The fact that your guy was arrested and jailed for driving without a license is a huge red flag. That fact hints at a criminal record and general irresponsible behavior. Your son does not need a facility. He needs a mature parent who proceeds cautiously and thoughtfully when making important decisions. Once he has that, some psychological counseling and assessment would be in order.

[Rotsne]

I guess both you and your son needs time to adjust as a family unit. In my country you could have asked for inpatient family therapy and would have been granted it due to your fiance's arrest.

You cannot force him to accept your new choice of a partner and I believe that it is too soon to take a step into a more pernament relationship.

The problem is not really your child but it is the family unit that is in need to have some issues resolved. You need to sacrifice some of your needs to solve this situation. That sacrifice is called parenting.

I certainly would not push the situation or your son. You only risk pushing him away. Real love can survive a delay of marriage so I won't worry about your future husband. He also must realize that the boy have suffered a loss and needs time to adjust.

Is there anything wrong by having him stay at your mother? Can he attend school from there while a plan is made to reunite you with some help from therapists?

You call the headline "Runaway child" and while it is nothing you can be charged with here in my country, I believe that some of the States would put him into detention if you report him as a runaway. I would be a shame to involve the authorities in that way. Try to involve the authorities in a way where you allow him to live where he lives now until a plan is made up in order to have him moving back.

[Big Bad Kitty]

I have to go with Habibi on this one.

What's the hurry? You can't possibly know what you need to know about a person in one month. Is it the fear of raising the boy alone? Because I get that. Yet it's not a reason to marry.

I'm sorry if I sound blunt but I think you may be *blinded by love*...

[bran155]

Ditto to what habibi said. And to Big Bad Kitty!!!

I am sorry you are going through this. I know you must be hurting and feeling torn. Please understand we mean well. I have to agree that it is way too soon for you to be even thinking about marriage. I have been with my husband for 10 years and we are still learning so much about each other. Believe me the "honeymoon" ends!!!!

Hang in there.

[MidwestMom]

Give him space and lots of time and I'd do the same yourself. One month is such a short time. I'd let son stay with grandma until you get this all worked out. Fiance already in jail isn't a good sign, imo. It would be best again imo to see what you have before you commit to marriage and get involved to this extent with his kids. You don't know if, in the end, this man will tolerate your difficult son or want to adopt him. I'd really hang back and let son stay where he is. That imo isn't running away. He's not on the streets; he is in a safe place. Are you positive that this fiance is safe?

[C.J.]

Please slow down. You've got two males in your life who are having trouble following some simple and standard rules everyone else in a civilized society is expected to follow. Waiting a year sounds good when everyone is following the rules. Your "men" are not. Your fiance needs to come clean with you. There is more to this story. Have you been completely honest about this situation with someone you've known for a long time and trust their judgment? A sister, brother, best friend, mother, father, minister, doctor, counselor, etc.? My guess is this person would tell you to slow down too.

You know the statistics for second marriages when kids are involved. The divorce rates are even higher than first marriages.

Your son gave you an ultimatum - you chose to have him and raise him, and your job isn't done yet. Your son may need a thorough phychological evaluation. You both may need some intensive family counseling. You need to do this before you make any more long term commitments with someone who may not be around in a few more years. He wasn't around six months ago.

Truly, take some time.

[DDD]

Unconditional love is hard to find and takes alot of time to develop. I'm sure you are hoping that you will receive support for your engagement here but the smartest words on this thread are "slow down". Your son needs you to be consistent, mature and unconditional in your relationship with him. Teen years are hard even when there is a stable family unit.

Find help for you and your son jointly and then add your fiance later if it seems like a good idea. Good luck. DDD