Struggling more and more

[wantpeace]

I'm so sorry, AG. I feel your pain because we are in a similar place. I'm a single parent to three boys, and my ex was abusive as well. Maybe it's an excuse, but I think tough love and detatching is tougher as a single parent because we are "everything" to our children. I feel the need to compensate for the fact that my boys' father chose his addiction over them. When my gfg was giving me a rough time, his counselor said not to take anything from him that I wouldn't take from a friend. Easier said than done of course! I want you to know I've been inspired by many of your posts. You are a very strong person, and I give you all the credit in the world for getting to meetings and reaching out for help. You need and deserve some pampering. Tell gfg that you need a break and won't be having any contact with him for a period of time. Do something nice and nurturing for yourself for a change. Sending prayers and hugs your way.

wantpeace

[AmericanGirl]

Thank you all for your many wonderful replies. Know that I am taking them to heart and using many of your ideas.

You are right...single parent may be a blessing or a curse...just depends.

First...a funny. Gfg called tonight. Very nice. Done what he needed to do. Asks for $10 to get food. Reasonable so I say I'll transfer cash as soon as I hang up. I do. Then I open Facebook. He actually posted, "Tired of getting threatened by my family." I transferred the $10 right back. Sent him text saying "Your transfer is reversed. I don't give money to people who insult me."

I have a wonderful guy friend who happens to be in al-anon. We talked a long time tonight. He knows me very well and understands how I think. He also knows gfg. He gave me a ton of great advice. We have a revised plan of action which I can live with -- however -- darn it, he asked me for several promises regarding my behavior. I promised to turn my cell off every night and not to look at it until I have completed my morning routine. He also thinks I need to set myself a regular bedtime.

Here's what my plan is - I'm sharing it because I think some of his ideas were stellar and maybe it might help someone here.

1. I'll pay his rent as long as he is allowed to stay in sober house. Long story as to why but basically, he's an immature, 19 year old and may need more time to grow up. If he is there, then he will make progress whether he likes it or not. If he leaves, he's gonna fail. But...not telling him I'm willing to pay rent.

2. Pending manager's approval, going to have manager ask gfg for rent every week. When gfg says he doesn't have it, then manager can say he will call me. Public embarrassment of having the other guys know "his mommy" is paying again.

3. Manager will get extra funds for gfg's gas, incidentals, etc. Takes me out of the loop. Gfg has to ask him. Manager mentioned the other day he does this for some residents.

4. Telling gfg is you don't have a job by August 10th, then I'm coming to get the car. Don't care what job, where, etc. Not mentioning it again. If he doesn't, then I'll ask manager to get his keys (assuming he gets off restrictions between now and then and is allowed to keep them) and I'll get a friend to go with me. No notice...just drive in, grab the car and go.

Anyhow, hope there is something which helps one of you.

Side note - about the lavender baths...a friend just went through training to become a certified aromatherapist. She's taught me a lot and even made me customized bath salts and oil blends in tiny vials which I can rub on my temples. Much cheaper to do that than buy commercial stuff. Awesome effects too!

[Nancy]

AG you sound like you are in a better palce. Yay for your alanon friend, that is a good plan. I agree that at 19 they are not yet mature enough to be completely financially independent and as long as he is in sober house I agree with paying the rent. We were happy to do that for gfg.

Just a note of caution I did what you did when I saw facebook postings and she finally defriended me so I couldn't see her anyore. I often had to just grit my teeth and ignore what she wrote so I wouldn't lose that contact.

Nancy

[recoveringenabler]

Glad to hear you're feeling better AG and you got to talk to a good friend. Your plan sounds like a good one. Happy you're using your aromatherapy too!

[AmericanGirl]

Nancy, I thought about that. So, I set up a second FB account in an alias. Gfg will friend anybody. Gotta stay one step ahead. LOL

[exhausted]

AG,
I love that you transfered the money right back! Good limit setting!! You are doing so well and it helps me to seee this. I am glad you have a support person as well and the aromatherapy is great. Anything that brings joy, peace and relief!

On the FB thing-I am not a friend anymore because I did a public blast when I was ticked. (Didn't think it through-just did it) The only thing I can do is message her. I have several of her friends, cousin and my sister who kind of let me know. My gfg never posts about her family-always about people she is mad at or lyrics to song and swear words and..... We are not on the radar at all unless we have some cash to steal or unprotected car keys!

Your doing great!

[92025]

very clever idea! I'm doing this and just got 10 friends in 5 minutes! 7 degrees to GFG!