Uhg...Oldest GFG thinks he is Sooooo much better than his brother!

[lovemysons]

Talked to oldest GFG last night...He just kept goin on and on about how this is the "place" that his brother deserves to be and that brother is a fool and obviously does not want help.
Then he went on about how brother has chosen the "evil" side (oldest GFG has new found religious beliefs) etc.

Okay, some of this is true...Young GFG did take the "fastest route" to getting home rather than the Prison Rehab.
However...Wasn't it JUST the other day that oldest GFG was in Prison himself! And it was DH and I (along with dh's client) that persuaded the prosecutor to ask for Prison Rehab not oldest GFG doing Anything for himself at that time.

Then he goes on about how lazy young GFG is, about how when they worked together (for DH) in the past 3 yrs that young GFG not only did not work hard but would break things too.

Oldest GFG, who has been sober a year now, believes that young GFG being on welfare, being lazy, etc makes oldest so much better than.

Years ago when both the boys were in Rehab...Rehab actually told us, "You may have to let go of One in order to save the Other". Meaning, let go of oldest GFG in order to save young GFG.
They saw oldest as being "a potentially very dangerous person when he grows up do to his intellect and manipulative ways". He did not work the program internally at that time but rather "used" the program to argue points with Rehab staff and peers.

Anyway, the irony and oldest gfg's Attitude, Just gets on my nerves.
Young GFG has a heart of Gold, Oldest GFG has a heart of Pride...if you ask me.
LMS

[susiestar]

(((((hugs)))))

I know that wasn't a fun conversation. Maybe you should just tell Oldest to keep his opinion to himself? Your oldest is VERY skilled at manipulation and in some ways may have substituted his religion for his drug of choice rather than actually working the steps. I don't know, not having spent as much time with him as with youngest. It is VERY easy for some people to substitute religion for a drug and IMHO it isn't any healthier, esp if the religion is as excluding as this one seems to be.

Maybe future discussions with Oldest should just be about his kids?

[lovemysons]

I think you're right, Sus.
Oldest GFG has replaced Drug use for Religion use...If that makes sense.

Funny, he started the conversation out telling me he had just seen a man walking on the railroad tracks. So I said, "How sad, hope he will be alright".
Oldest GFG says, "He needs to get a job".
No compassion whatsoever.

His MIL knows I smoke. Don't remember how the conversation started, just that I smoke but she said she would "pray for me". Well maybe I WANT to smoke. Maybe I don't want her "praying" for me about this. Geez.

Oldest GFG's wife seems to think that DH and I must have done something wrong to end up with 2 GFG's. That her parents were very strict with her and her sister and that the two of them did not end up in trouble in their teen years like ours did, etc.
Nevermind the fact that she "danced" her way through college from what I understand and left her husband for my Oldest GFG.

Oldest and his new wife want to have nothing to do with young GFG and his family cause they are on welfare, etc. They want nothing to do with PC because of her sexual identity.

They are trying to live this idealistic model life. They want their daughters (they are expecting second girl same week as young GFG's new baby will be here in May) to attend private school in the future. They "think" that if they raise their daughters in the church (which we did btw, roll-eyes) and are strict (controlling)...(which we WERE btw) that they will end up with Different Results.
Good Luck with that!

I barely know granddaughter from Oldest GFG, Sus. It's pretty sad but oldest GFG's wife is as "prideful" as young GFG. IMO they live in a "spirit of fear"...not pure faith. They also love "conditionally" etc.

The whole scene just gets on my nerves!
Thank you for the hugs Sus, you're a sweety!
LMS

[DDD]

More hugs LMS. There is a very old quote that, lol, I can't remember at the moment. It's either "there is none more prideful than a reformed sinner" or in lieu of sinner the word "addict". I think it is the former. Like you I have compassion for those who are in need. Some people just don't. Sad.

His arrogance has dominated his decisions for at least a decade. When he was in his GFG days he was convinced that he could do things his way and find success. Now he is an adult who has found a new path...and again, because it is "his way", he is positive it is the superior way. The good side of this situation is that he and his wife are comfortable in their superiority because it is faith based. At least he is unlikely to end up back in prison.

If I were you I would not reach out too often. Likely he has no concept of the pain he causes to your family spirit. If he initiates contact just go with the flow of what he wants to talk about and avoid the triggers. With adult children (even PC's) it's often necessary to just listen and chit/chat w/o any deep emotions. You can cherish the good memories and hope for future happy shared times but at this time he just doesn't have the compassion to grasp your pain. DDD

[lovemysons]

DDD,
You are SO right. He doesn't have the compassion to grasp my pain or brother's.
I so knew you'd get it! smile...You have known my GFG's for the past 10 yrs. Oldest GFG is still the "same" underneath it all, huh. But yes, grateful that he is not likely to head back to prison. In fact, he just paid off one county fees fines and also enrolled in college 3 weeks ago. He is trying to be a functional adult...for that I am grateful.
Maybe someday he will replace his pride and arrogance with a helping hand and that "compassion" he seems to lack.

They have always been "polar opposites" haven't they?
LMS

[rejectedmom]

I can totally relate. I deal with similar ridiculousness with my adult children. The "one upmanship" andarrogance can drive a parent nuts. It sounds like your older GFG is still compeating with his brother for whatever reason. One of our wise board member recently said something to me when my GFG#1 excluded PC/GFG from her Christmas dinner invite. Board member said that GFG#1 had her own set of problems and that those problems made it impossible for her to have compassion for her brother. When I looked at her actions from the perspective that it was a manifestation of her own MI it didn't sting so much. Maybe that approach will help you also. I also do not talk to her about PC/GFG much anymore. That helps too.

[buddy]

and more and more HUGS LMS, There really are pros and cons to that whole kind of born again life. Yes, at least he is doing things that dont put himself or society at risk. My sister went through that and we had to even worry about certain kinds of toothpaste in her mind because she had been told there were satanic messages written or some such thing. The level of judgement on others is remarkable in some of these groups. IMHO it misses the whole point of most religions to have that attitude. Hopefully this is a phase... as his kids get older he will see he does not have that level of control over another person's mind. Unless the kid is in a wheelchair and can't walk, talk, hear, see or control bowels!!!....they will not have total control.

Still think of young gfg every day when I see your avitar.... I pray for him and hope he will serve his time as safely and contemplatively as possible.

[lovemysons]

I know right rejectedmom...Oldest still competing. I mean they're both Felons and Addicts. One is no better than the other on paper. And good advice, I think I will just try and steer the conversation in another direction in the future.

Buddy, Buddy, Buddy!
You are the TOTAL package. Sensitive and Strong!
I cannot even begin to tell you how impressed I am with your love and mothering skills for Q AND at the same time your ability to stand up against a cruel system.
I know your prayers for my young GFG are "heard" I really feel that.

Thanks for your hugs, care and replies.
I love you guys, smile.
LMS

[Ephchap]

Hugs, LMS. I have no idea how you survived it with two gfg's. Most of here have one, and it has been a long road, many stressful years. I can't imagine. That being said, it sounds like oldest GFG has created his own version of the past in his mind. He seems to forget what he has been through, and what he put you and your family through. How sad that he's now in a place where he feels no empathy for his younger brother.

Again, hugs,
Deb

[Dammit Janet]

Yep...what is it with reformed addicts and religion? ugh. Maybe he would like to have Buck...lol. They could talk religion together.

I would just keep the conversations you have with oldest to talk about him and his family. If he wants to get into his brothers business just suddenly have other things that need doing or simply tell him that if he cant be nice you arent going to talk to him about it.