Waiting for the rain to start....

[Mikey]

Well, it's been a good "almost" week. Other than my one little episode over the weekend, it's been "almost" normal. GFG hasn't broken curfew, hasn't lied, actually came home more than normal, brought home good mid-term grades, and even brought his gf over to spend a little time with us. Still off the cigs, but still using (just not at my house or around us), but what else is new?

Doesn't it just suck that we can't seem to enjoy the good times (or not so bad times, for some of us) with our gfg's? I don't know about y'all, but I don't trust these times any more. I get antsy and start worrying about the next time I'll have to deal with an episode.

It's like living in southern Louisiana during the summer: even on the nice days, you're just waiting for that gully-washing thunderstorm to hit that you know is coming.

It always comes, eventually. Doesn't it?

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/rolleyes.gif[/img]

Mikey

[Dammit Janet]

I know exactly what you mean. I am always waiting for that other shoe to drop. I dont care how old my son gets, when things get too quiet for too long...I know something is up.

I will never forget the day not all that long ago...several months...when he was missing all day long. No one had heard from him. I just knew in my gut that he was in jail. Had no reason to suspect it or anything...no phone calls, no messages, no recent incidents...just gut instinct. Sure enough. The house was too quiet. Later that night he came home after bailing himself out.

Kerplunk! Shoe dropped.

One good thing though about them being grown is that it is their shoes dropping...lmao.

[kris]

<span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #3333FF"> the simple fact is that once they break the trust it's just not that easy to totally repair the damage done. it's got a bit of the PTSD reactions to it.

i don't believe that when they have spent years lying, stealing, etc., that one good week can repair that. it takes time. he has a lot to prove....a h*ll of a lot! now he'll expect instant forgiveness & will be irrate when you doubt him b/c after all *he's stopped lying to you, blah, blah, blah. think of it this way. if your wife cheated on you ~~~ had been cheating for years ~~~ wouldn't you wonder where she was going pretty much any time she walked out the door or came home late? of course you would. it's human nature.

it will be years before you stop questioning...at least in your mind...what he's up to & if he's telling the truth about what he's doing.

i'm glad you guys are having a better week. baby steps.

kris </span> </span> </span>

[KFld]

It takes a long long time to get over the feeling of waiting for the next shoe to drop. I used to cringe every time the phone rang or I heard a siren go by. I have learned to relax, but that is because my gfg is doing well right now and has been for a long enough time that I have been able to let my guard down. Don't know if, or when that may change, but for today I am relaxed.

You have experienced a lot with your son for a long time, so the trust and relaxation won't come overnight. The problems didn't happen overnight, so they can't be solved that quickly.

Hang in there. Definatley sounds like he's making progress. Just let him know you aren't going to let your guard down that quickly either. Sometimes that is exactly what they are up too.

[Mikey]

Wow, Kris, when you put it that way. Yes, infidelity would definitely cause that kind of reaction - I just never thought of it like that when it came to my kids, because they're kids, and expected to make mistakes, whereas a cheating spouse is an adult and is fully aware of what they're doing. Guess I'll need to think of my "kid" as an adult in the same way (although where does the brain poisoning from drugs and ADD fit in?)

PTSD - another good point that I never thought of. I knew a guy named Max who "worked" for Air America during Viet Nam. The things he had to do, the PTSD he suffered afterwards, completely destroyed him. I never thought of PTSD being a factor in this whole mess, but I guess the situation and stressors of my life (or all our lives here on CD) could bring on the same results.

Lots to think about, and maybe to discuss with my doc. Thanks for the perspective.

Mikey

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Hang in there. Definatley sounds like he's making progress. Just let him know you aren't going to let your guard down that quickly either. Sometimes that is exactly what they are up too.</div></div>

That's the plan. Funny thing, though. When we were out shopping for a tux for prom, he brought his gf along. Watching the two of them was like watching an old married couple (like me and my beloved DW). He listens to her, reacts to her, respects her, and works with her in a way that gives me hope - hope that he can, eventually, become a "normal", productive, and happy member of society.

We may not get that same treatment for a while, but I am glad to see he's capable of it. Maybe we're just at that point in teenage life where the 'rents are old turds, but if the gf says the same thing, well, then it must be worth listening to.

I never got there with my Mom (I loved and respected her every day until she passed away), but then that's probably abnormal for most teens these days.

Hope. It's what I cling to, but I also try to keep from being blinded by it. Thanks to all the good folks here on CD that keep me honest, my eyes are wide open. Thanks for all the good advice, warm thoughts, and tough comments. Keep 'em coming.

Mikey

[DDD]

If you have time to kill you will find it interesting to read
about PTSD here on the Board. Many, many, many of the children
are aflicted due to physical and emotional abuse issues in early
childhood. Many of our adult CD members also suffer from it due
to carryovers from their childhood, extremely stressful years
with their GFG child or children. Around here it is almost common, sad to say.

Some of us refer to PTSD moments (while fully understanding we
are notafflicted with the disorder). Phone calls in the middle
of the night, doorbells or knocks on the door during the night,
police cars cruising our street (rare of our settled block) and
MOSTLY calls from and visits to the S C H O O L!!

Yep, there are quite a few triggers! DDD

[HereWeGoAgain]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: kris</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> if your wife cheated on you ~~~ had been cheating for years ~~~ wouldn't you wonder where she was going pretty much any time she walked out the door or came home late? of course you would. it's human nature. </div></div>Slight digression, but on that score, I've known of at least five marriages where that happened (my first, DW's first, 3 friends) and none survived. In 4 out of 5 the partners tried to patch things up but the wound was just too deep. And the lack of trust bleeds over and affects innocent third parties. It takes a lot longer to build up trust again with someone else.

[added in edit] by "where that happened" I mean one spouse cheated, not that the wife cheated... in fact my first was the only one where it was the wife who cheated.

[HereWeGoAgain]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DDD</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Some of us refer to PTSD moments (while fully understanding we are not afflicted with the disorder). Phone calls in the middle of the night, doorbells or knocks on the door during the night, police cars cruising our street (rare of our settled block) and MOSTLY calls from and visits to the S C H O O L!!</div></div>Oh Lord. BTDT fer sure. "Mr. B-----? This is so and so with (insert institution here: school, police, employer)..." That sinking feeling.

[Mikey]

From your sig, "One day at a time."

Hard to do, but it's the only way I get through it. Sometimes it's one HOUR at a time. And sometimes, it even devolves into one Xanax at a time.

But is it wrong to hope for a day when I'm not waiting for the lightning to strike?

Mikey