What was your first reaction...

[lovemysons]

when you found out your child was using drugs?

DH and I were just talking about some of the mistakes we made with our GFG Boys when we first found out they were using drugs at age 13/15.
I was very scared...and tried to control them with fear mostly.
I also took their behavior personally. I felt their behavior was a reflection of ME and how I must have messed up or done something wrong in parenting them. I was angry at how all of my efforts had failed.

In hindsight...DH and I wish we could have looked at them and said:
"I know where this leads AND what the answer is...and it is out there...but you must find it for yourself."

Now I know this is probably a controversial approach as it may seem to give "permission" to the use. That is not what I am suggesting at all. But honestly, can/could ANY of us control their pursuit of drugs.
Sure we try rehab and different programs, jail, hospitals etc...we have to. This is what society tells us we must do. But bottom line is...we can't control addiction in our child/children. They have to come to the conclusion/solution on their own.

So what was your first reaction? Were you like me: Afraid, Taking it Personally, Trying to Control?
Just curious...
And what would you do or say differently now based on all the years and what you have learned?

LMS

[DDD]

Gobsmacked!

My experience was a little different because we had already raised a couple of teens who smoked pot for a short while. We never had any violence or disrespect in our house (with one exception which lasted for maybe a five minute meltdown before walking off). In retrospect I don't see anything more that could have been said or done. Not sure if that is good or bad..but it's the truth. Also very sad.

From your shared experiences, however, I think you did the best you could Tammy. You had two out of control minors pretty much at the same time. You tried to set guidelines. You sought outside counsel. You forbade drugs in the house. Your interventions didn't work (mine didn't, either) but I tend to disagree with the idea that adolescents that are off track could "own" their choices.

Obviously there comes a point where they have to "own" it. Many have found it takes years for them to be capable of accepting responsibility. Sigh. Hugs DDD

[Nancy]

Hmmmmm good question. When I first found or seriously suspected gfg was smoking pot I did not take it personally at all. I never took her substance abuse personally because I know from personaly family experience that nobody makes you drink or do drugs and nothing they have done or didn't do causes you to be an addict.

I did try to control, yes I did. I tried to keep her away from the kids who were using. I tried to get her into more constructive activities, I took her to counseling, I had conferences with her teachers when her grades began to fall, I contacted the police and her school resource officer and thad them talk to her on numerous occassions to counsel her on what would happen if the drug use continued, I called the police on her and her friends when I found evidence of drug use, I contacted other parents involved to get their help.

I believed Carol O'Conner when he said to get between your kids and drugs any way you can.

I was surprised. Dh and I pretty much saw this coming at a very early age when we had so many problems with her and she was diagnosed with ODD. We knew as she got older the problems would get older. We said many times when she was young that if we could get her through high school without being pregnant, on drugs or in jail we succeeded. We nearly made it, she did gradutae but by the skin of her teeth and she was already smoking pot and drinking.

I'm not sure what I would have done differently. I would never allow drugs or drug use in my home, it just wasn't an option. Not only because it is illegal and it kills people and destroys families but because of the character of the people she hung around with when using. This is my home that dh and I worked very hard to get and I wasn't going to let anyone destroy it.

We knew we had to somehow get gfg into treatment and out of the house, we just didn't know how to do it and that's where I wish I had done something differently. I truly wish we had saved so much of the money we spent on counseling and meds and put her into treatment much sooner. By the time we did we had spent over $200,000 and depleted out savings so that when we finally did get her into treatment we could only afford 60 days and had nothing left for relapse. Looking back none of the counseling helped at all and was a waste of monet and while the meds may have helped a little at the time, they didn't justify the cost or side effects. She is on no meds now and there is no reason for her to be on any.

Nancy

[pasajes4]

My answer will probably be seen as being a bit off as well. It is his choice to use or not use. If he gets caught with the drugs I will not bail him out of whatever jam he gets himself into. If I find it in the house, I will turn him in my ownself. As long as there is evidence of his using, I will not give him any cash. I wll not finance his drug use. I realize that his mental illness probably drives his poor choices, but there are plenty of people who have mental illnesses who do not make poor choices.
I do not condone the use of illegal substances. I have made my position perfectly clear to him.

There is a natural tendency to want to blame their choices on their mental issues. When he was first diagnosed, I fell into that trap and realized real quick and in a hurry how destructive this is to both of us.

[exhausted]

Well, I caught my gfg with 2 other students from the school where I teach, smoking pot at my home. It was during a school assembly and she was missing. I went home to see if she was there. I was in shock...utter shock. I knew she was struggling, but no idea about pot. I had to turn them in. It was the right thing to do. I took them back to school, called the resource officer and they were charged. The mother of the other girl was livid with me. She was an ex-meth adict and her husband was in jail for dealing. She was the pot provoder. The boy's dad was a dealer and the boy well know to the courts.

So I was tough. The law is the law and I was a teacher and they were sluffing and using. What else could I have done but took them back and lied for them? No way. It was the beginning of the downward spiral and the bottom has not been reached yet. That was 3 years ago. I have called the police every time I have found paraphenelia or drugs. They do nothing if it is in my home. Apparently we have no proof it is hers????

Yes I was affraid. Yes I controlled. We went to all extremes, took out the house phone. Locked down everything, husband took a night job so we would always have someone home etc.. We became an RTC and were exhausted. She just started leaving school to do what she was going to do. We did 2 RTCs. I still struggle with control. I am a structured person. Our home is and my classroom is. But it isn't going to stop her and I know this. I just cant stop wanting to be a mom like other moms and hoping she will turn a corner and respond. We get double messages as well. From the therapists, dO this, structure this, and then with 12 step, let go of this, take care of yourself, etc...

I will only discuss if she is willing to sit and not cuss or yell. When this starts I am done. I listen. I don't believe any promises, I offer support when it is appropriate and not enabling (the line is grey and shady here), and yes I worry like I always have. I am still in recovery and trauma and I am not following the 12 steps purely.

What I would do differently is to listen more, judge less and trust myself. The professionals made me doubt myself and they all had different reasons why I should. I would not doubt my mother gut ever again!

This is hard isn't it?

[lovemysons]

DH has a "bowling analogy" (he is a bowling coach, lol) that he was just discussing with me.
He said, "We are not responsible for results...Only execution".
Meaning, we can do EVERYTHING we can to see to it that the ball gets down the lane and hits all the pins...that is the goal. But, at the point we let go of the ball at the line...we are no longer responsible. The results are not ours. This is how dh lives with himself regarding our GFG's.

I think it is good to realize that we have ALL fought a good fight for our Sub Abusing GFGs lives.
But at some point...and here is my analogy...we have to tell them to Sink or Swim. We no longer can tread water and fight for their lives anymore...they must do it for themselves.
The money runs out, the emotions run out, the strength runs out, etc. I know I can't do this for them anymore. My Psychotic breakdown 5yrs ago should have told me that.

DDD...So true that it can take years and years for them to be capable of accepting responsiblity.

I am trying to have hope for my young GFG.
I think I will simply tell him I have confidence that he will find the answers to his problems...I have done all I can...we all have.

LMS

[pasajes4]

I agree. In the begining we want to do all we can to help and protect. We set our homes up as safety zones for our kids. We seek help. We work with the schools. it is hard to seperate what behaviors are directly a result of the illness or just them. Sometimes it is almost impossible to sort it out. It eats us alive. We do everything we are told to do by well meaning individuals. We are sent conflicting advice. We try it all.

The bottom line is we do the BEST we can. They either get it or they don't.

[compassion]

LMS shared:So what was your first reaction? Were you like me: Afraid, Taking it Personally, Trying to Control?
Just curious...
And what would you do or say differently now based on all the years and what you have learned?

My GFG was 15 , I was in shock,scared, yes tried to control took it personlly, as I was a devoted homeschool mom who deciated her life to chneel her in poistve activies. She now will be 19 in April. I think I am a lot better at taking care of myself, I accept it most days, I still have to say the Sereinty Prayer on a daily basis,what can I really contol?boudnaries, but mostly taking casre of me and detatching. I am still advocating but trying to be more realsitc. I am in the process of trying to get her nto a dual diagnosis facitility. I have leanred to protect us better, emtinally and fincnacially. I choose to support her in prossoical acitivies but need to take care of me first. My choice has been to support educaiton, work plus NA/AA and currently inpatient.

[Signorina]

I believed Carol O'Conner when he said to get between your kids and drugs any way you can.

So funny - I vividly remember him saying that (on Johnny Carson?) and then the later PSA commercials - and they always struck me. And that is exactly what we did. Until gfg removed himself from our lives last week.

When GFG got a drinking citation (non driving - underage party - he blew a 0.03 - so 1 beer) at age 16, we picked him up, brought him home and told him we were taking him for a drug test in the morning. My frightened son babbled that he had been experimenting with rx drugs - Xanax iirc? with two of his friends. He was scared to death and extremely cooperative. We took away his car keys (h's car), computer, phone and iTouch. Basically house arrest. It was Labor day weekend and I walked around in circles in my house from 1:00 am until 5 pm the next day - intermittently crying and googling for answers and anxiously awaiting his doctor's ( a pediatrician) return call. She never did call - I hadn't left an urgent enough message to alert the doctor on call, and she was at her dying father's bedside - he died the following day - so excusable. H bought a $$$ drug test at the drugstore, watched gfg take it (negative) and we sent it in for lab results. We never told gfg the results. He was being super cooperative.

I finally got in touch with a director at a non-for-profit local ATOD resource center (amazing resource in our county) and she was kind enough to email me back and talk me down a bit. On GFG's first day of his junior year (Tuesday following labor day), we pulled him out of school to take him for an assessment there. H also accompanied gfg to football practice to "confess" his code violation and begin serving his athletic suspension. GFG had to stand on a bench in the locker room and tell his teammates and apologize for letting them down. The team/coaches closed ranks around him but were stern yet positive. He still had to attend practice and work out and he was given the tasks to do at the J/V and freshman games. The coach did not let them wear their jerseys during the games so that the crowd/local press would not know who was out and why. I still thank God for their positive support. So many other schools (even other coaches for other sports at our school) just suspend the kid or ostracize them OR brush it under the rug like it's no big deal.

GFG's assessment came back high risk and the counselor at the resource center recommended out patient treatment. She also alerted the county judge that they had seen GFG and asked the judge to make treatment mandatory as part of his fine.(which he later did) She put down that gfg was likely to be resistant to treatment (he wasn't) as added reason for the court to request treatment. There were no criminal penalties for his drinking (just a civil ticket) but he could have lost his license until age 18 had he not complied.

I spent the next 2 days trying to find a counselor. Started with recommendations from valued sources and none of them worked out. Then I asked some trusted friends, HS social worker etc. Same thing. I finally resorted to the provider booklet for our insurance company and got down to the T's when I found a doctor willing to see him. It was one of the most exhausting things I have ever done. I called dozens of providers, spilling out GFG's issue to the "gatekeeper" and the best I got from some was that they would "Talk to the doctor to see if they what they thought about accepting GFG as a patient". Others flat out refused - they didn't treat teens, they thought I should try rehab first, they didn't accept new patients, they didn't like our insurance...it was AWFUL. I must have told our story two dozen times - each subsequent time weighed me down even more. And the return calls from the doctor's offices who didn't want to see GFG - even worse. "Dr T" accepted us, had an opening that week and BOOM.

Personally, I went into a funk. I had lost my dad 6 months earlier, was dealing with my shell shocked saddened mom, we had just moved (new house, same town) and PC17 was starting HS and H was starting to work from home. I probably turned on my husband. He had a recurrence of an existing back issue (that flares under stress) and ended up in bed for weeks. I was driving H to the doctor and PT and GFG to therapy and thought I would lose my mind. We didn't let gfg out of our sight and I ended up having to do a parent/student program with him at school (8 weeks) so that he would be eligible for sports again. Plus Varsity football is a bfd at our school - very parent intensive - and I was hosting all 45 football moms at our house for a parent get together where I ended up having to tell them "why" my son was benched. Great group of women, a few stayed late into the night to talk. Then the economy tanked, taking h's paycheck and most of our safety nets with it and you know the rest.

But, we closed rank around our son, traded our mandatory Saturday night date nights for a DVD at home, dinner was on the table at 6 every night, friends were always welcomed and we developed a great relationship with our son. He was our shining star and we were so proud of him.

GFG thrived in therapy after a rocky start. We drug tested him weekly for months and then randomly and 2-3x a month + alcohol swabs until last last summer. He never failed a drug test and we have no reason to believe he was using again until this summer. He got straight As his junior & senior year, stopped therapy at the counselors suggestion and he was in an awesome place. When we spoke to him about his college plans after HS graduation - HE made a 3.0 and drug testing part of his college tuition "covenant." HIS SUGGESTION, not ours. He was great - until his 2nd semester his freshman year of college. And here we are...

Sometimes I wonder if any of it made a difference.

[DDD]

LMS, from afar, I really think that now is the time for your GFG (and his wife) to know that your love is constant but you and your DH have decided to focus on your life. He has time to think w/o family or friends available. He will have time to actually make a decision...or perhaps, sadly, no decision. His wife will also have time to transition her thinking and brainstorm ideas so her dependency and attachment to you can ebb a bit. I feel a little hypocritical suggesting that you take action when my GFG still lives at home. The circumstances are a little different and for now the "line in the sand" for me is "if" he ever gets arrested again, he's on his own. Obviously he is still dependent on us which isn't healthy but he has taken steps forward.

I don't believe I've ever shared this before but I think there is an analogy. My Ex and I got married when we were in college and discovered that PC#1 was on the way. He was 1.5 years away from his degree. After six months of living on campus my parents offered to let us live in their home until graduation. We did exactly that and it went quite smoothly....BUT....Ex and I did not mature as much as we should have during that time. When he graduated and we headed off to Va to "start our life" we were like kids going on a road trip ready to "play house". We didn't have a clue how difficult it was to be functioning adults on our own with two babies. We had never managed money. I about went nuts having two babies alone...I hadn't appreciated all the perks of living with my parents. We were not actually adults. Obviously, eventually, I grew into my role but it took awhile for me to see that I hadn't really appreciated how too much help can stunt growth.

If you and DH agree to take this step your son and his wife may just turn to her Mom for support but maybe, just maybe, they can chart a course for "their" family and feel pride in doing so. Hugs DDD