What was your first reaction...

[Beccih]

I've found this thread really useful, my GFG has just turned 13 and I recently found out that he has been experimenting with smoking pot and drinking alcohol. I am mortified. He told me outright with no fear or shame. I have learned over the years not to shout and freak out so I bit back my initial reaction to wail and scream and calmly ( through gritted teeth) explained my concerns to him. We looked at drug advice websites together and I explained that he already has mental health issues and that taking drugs was more dangerous to him. I have no idea if any of it has sunk in but I guess time will tell. In the mean time I am discouraging the friendships with the other kids who are experimenting and giving him no money. I hope to god this doesn't continue...

[toughlovin]

LMS

It sounds like you did everything you could think of, just like we did. I think for some kids there just isnt much you can do to prevent it...or who knows what would have worked. We did our best absolutely. I think once they reach adult hood, it is what it is....and at this point it is up to them and we need to just let go and hope they find their way.

TL

[Zardo]

I love this post. I think looking back can be very helpful for all of us. Seeing things we did right, questioning things we could have done differently but knowing all along, that we did the best the we could do in VERY difficult circumstances. When my son's world fell apart at the age of 14, we found out soon after that substance abuse was at the center of what was going on. I was horrified having been a very straight laced kid myself. My husband and I circled the wagons and I let him take the lead at first. He had a more "adventurous" ride in his teen years, so I thought he would be better equipped. At first, we did the whole, this is your one free pass" thing and spoke to him with love and concern. It was soon clear that he was so far in that that was not going to be enough. We got him into therpary, both family and individual, but unfortunately, the counselor at that time did not focus enough on the SA issue or maybe couldn't get to the truth of it or whatever, so it didn't really help. No matter what we did, or son lied, used and his life fell apart. There were dark days where my husbands desperation led to screaming matches between them and our son trying to take off in the middle of the night. Our turning point was when he got caught at the public high school, arrested and expelled. It was not a quick turn around and everything is not "fixed" now, but that one day was the turning point, the day that he realized that he had led himself off track. We have had a series of events since then. He has been to Wilderness (3 months) , Outpatient programs, boarding school and Intensive Outpatient Programs. I would say that if I knew a family in our situation today where the use, anger and defiance is at a point where every day is a crisis, I would reccommend Wilderness, just as an initial intervention to get them to calm down, clear the drugs and look inward more. It also gave us at home time to regroup and heal. We have had the good fortune that our son has been reachable since Wilderness. Although not without problems, any time he has "slipped" or "relapsed" he openly steps up the outside support. With all of the programs he has done, he has met many addicts and had been exposed to many people who are in recovery and knows how they have done it. I know this can continue to be a source of support for him if he falls again in the future. His favorite program was an Intensive Outpatient Program for adolescents in our area. Through this program, he met teens who had spent time in jail, had been addicted to hard core drugs and who were desperately trying to get their lives back on track. It really openned his eyes to what drugs can do. For now, he is back at the fight for his life and doing well. It's one step at a time, one day at a time, letting the consequences of his actions land where they may and then taking more of a "helping" role to help him clean up his own mess when needed if he comes to the table as a partner. In the days where we tried to control, forbid, ground etc, he only hated us and resented our attempts to help. I think back about the "dark" days of anger and we know that showing that anger to kids in these situations only builds there resolve that YOU are the problem. We react to challenges now with "deep disapointment" rather than anger or grounding. We talk more about how he is letting himself down than what we expect of him. It seems to work better. By letting him fail and helping him stand back up, he appreciates our efforts more each time. I am still not 100% comfortable when he gets together with friends, but I figure it is better to let him fail and help him overecome than try to prevent. I do think he is doing well now, but the PTSD of the past 2 years takes it's toll. He is only 16, so I doubt our story is done, but he learned a great deal this year and he is trying. He is still in the support of a weekly outpatient program for relapse prevention and seems to be doing OK.

[Tiredof33]

My son started hanging around with an older teen with special needs about 10yo. I wasn't happy about it but I didn't know the teen was a drug dealer.

I know from a counselor that my GFG started sex and drugs at an earlier age than most.

My BIG reaction was guilt and embarrassment. It seemed the more I tried to help him the harder he tried to hurt and spite me.

I let it bring my life to a stand still and if I had it do do over again I would try very hard to not let my GFG's activites control me and I would get over the guilt and not believe his lies. I also would have stopped the flow of money much sooner.

[Dammit Janet]

I think I messed up with cigarettes but I think it kept Cory from trying pot for a long time....at least considering the area we live in. Cory was caught with cigarettes at age 10. We had moved into the city around that age and some of the older boys had used him to go into a little convenience store to steal packs of cigarettes because he was so little and the older boys would keep the clerks busy watching them while he would sneak the pack of smokes and run out the door. The boys would give him a cigarette or two as a reward.

I was furious when I found out. I had quit smoking 6 years before this happened. When I found out this happened I bought a pack of the nastiest, non filtered generic strong cigarettes then took him outside and forced him to smoke the whole pack back to back as he sat there coughing, gagging and throwing up. He turned all sorts of shades of green. He swore he would never smoke another cigarette. Problem was, it gave me more nicotine into my system which hadnt had any in all those years. It had awoken the beast in me that had been dormant for all those years. I started smoking again. And it didnt stop Cory. He really started smoking regularly by 12 and a half when he came home from wilderness camp. He smoked a few when he was home on visits but I didnt know it then. After 12 I did know it and I allowed it because he was open about it. In fact I allowed it and even gave them to him because I figured it was better than him stealing them. He also promised if he smoked cigarettes he wouldnt smoke pot. He kept that promise till he was 17. That is late for my area. I honestly think Cory smokes pot for his bipolar and if we lived in a state that he could get it legally he would qualify easily. I wish he did. Is he addicted? I dont know. I know he is much more pleasant and he is much less moody and has less mood swings when he smokes it like a medication. He is able to function well on it. However he doesnt drink often. Maybe a few times a year at most. I dont consider this an issue. Cory hates other drugs because he has seen the effects on other people.