I am just trying to get an idea of what kind of house rules and regulations that everyone has and what kind of punishments or consequences are in place when the rules are broken. Notice I said when not if...lol. I am trying to implement something and need feedback. Thanks in advance for your help.
janet
Well Janet I try not to make my rules too specific unless there is a specific problem. The main reason for this is that it gives more oppurtunities for a power struggle and does not allow the child to problem solve.
Our House Rules:
We take care of things that belong to each other. We all do our very best to be kind, honest, and sharing.
We treat each other with respect.
We try to help each other with problems.
We all must work at being part of a family.
We work to keep ourselves, others, and animals safe.
If I see a behavior I do not like. I ask the child first to identify what he is doing. Next I ask him if it fits a rule. Then I ask him what he would do differently.
Of course this cannot be addressed in the middle of a blow up. The child first must have control of themselves. Also, you must use this for your own errors and have the child help you problem solve. If a teen refused to cooperate you let them know that any of the extras in life that come with a family are not available to them until they follow the rules. You want a ride to the park? I am sorry you were not working to be part of the family...so I do not have to provide a ride like I would for a family member.
I hope this helps, I still use this method with my teen.
Always, donna
[This message has been edited by Alias NotMe (edited 21 July 2000).]
well, here are the house rules that the social worker gave us when melissa was inpatient a few weeks ago:
1) no physical abuse to self or others or to personal property. consequence: police will be called.
2) no verbal abuse or screaming. consequence: go to room for 30 minutes. if teen will not go to room when escorted by parent, call the police.
3) no running away (includes being somewhere without consent of parent). consequence: police will be called.
4) room is to be kept clean. consequence: teen confined to room 'til room is cleaned.
5) no truancy or skipping classes. consequence: call the police & notify school.
6) no arguing & blaming or rude & disrespectful attitude. consequence: go to room for 30 minutes. if teen will not go to room when escorted by parent, call the police.
**************
my dh and i are not very thrilled about all this "call the police, my kid is arguing with me" stuff. yes, if she is physically violent or destroys property, we will call the police and if she runs away or is truant. but it seems like the social worker wants us to call the police constantly on this girl for every little thing. according to her, it would only take one or two times of the police showing up on our doorstep to shape melissa up. hmmmmm.....
hope these rules help you a little.
oh--i wanted to add that we've tried grounding & taking away things and privileges, but these consequences never change melissa's behavior. she has even told us that nothing will change her behavior!
------------------
<ul type="square">
[*]Melissa/14/ODD/mild ADD
[*]Angela/20/ODD as a result of drug use since age 13/kicked her out on 7/31/99 -- nice to us now
[*]married 25 years to original dh
[/list]
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -- Matthew 11:28
[This message has been edited by Sue C (edited 21 July 2000).]
Here's my take on the issue:
Whenever I start quoting family rules I can see my GFG turn me off immediately, eyes rolling back into his head, chest heaving with sighs. It's a pretty normal reaction, I did it too. But in our house we don't have arguments about the "rules" and "punishments" anymore, and haven't for years.
We have just a few major BLANKET RULES, each covering a multitude of sins. I think keeping it simple is they key to getting them to remember. Make it black and white for them.
I have a short list of BLANKET rules, six of them. I have them posted in a number of different places around the house in addition to the kitchen and their bedrooms (you have to keep it in their faces). The kids have them memorized because I made them write them over and over and quizzed them until they WERE memorized with consequences for not cooperating. It's easy to do with a short list and to make it fun they can quiz each other.
THE RULES ARE POSTED, and whenever there is a dispute I march the offender over to the list and point at the BLANKET RULE that has been breached, so he or she is without excuse. Here are my SIX BLANKET RULES:
ASSIGNED CHORES WILL BE DONE DAILY/WEEKLY
NO PHYSICAL OR VERBAL VIOLENCE
NO BACKTALK OR DISRESPECT TO PARENT(S)
NO STEALING OR LYING
RESPECT THE PRIVACY OF OTHERS
MOM (AND/OR DAD) KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AND WHO YOU ARE WITH AT ALL TIMES
Most everything that you will have to address with your darlings will fall into one of the above categories.
Have them sit down with you and work out appropriate consequences for each child based on these rules (age appropriate punishments). Present the final list of consequences to each child and have them SIGN THE LIST. This takes the responsibility for the whole thing pretty much off you and puts it on them where it belongs.
Give them a copy of their signed consequence list along with a copy of the BLANKET RULES so they can hang them on their bedroom doors. You must keep the rules in their faces and also be certain that they are memorized. Five rules is easy.
You are no longer the bad guy. It's all in black and white RIGHT THERE. Since they had input on the consequences and agreed on them when they SIGNED THE PAPER, they will not have a bucket to stand on. Periodically go over the consequences list as they get older but NEVER CHANGE THE BLANKET RULES.
The key is to not muddy up the water by adding more and more and more rules, or being wishy washy and changing consequences to fit the deed. Once you start doing this your kids know you can be manipulated and you have lost the war.
Keep it simple: If the act falls under one of the blanket rules, it gets the agreed upon consequence, period. No lengthy discussions, debates and arguments. And when Mom says it falls under a certain blanket rule, IT DOES. PERIOD.
In addition to their bedroom doors, I have "The Rules of the House" and the lists of consequences posted prominently in my kitchen.
This will really help to tone down the fighting, screaming, hostility, badgering, frustration and manipulation.
Paula
[This message has been edited by eln/babblecon (edited 21 July 2000).]
Well the rules for our house are the same as they have always been for everyone in our house except that gfg didn't think they applied to her AND I didn't enforce them with her. They are the same rules that anyone would have in any house, job, school etc...
They are:
show respect to others (this includes all backtalk, yelling, eyes rolling and improper body lanquage)
no lying
no stealing
follow all curfew rules
parents will know where you are and with who at all times
and no breaking the rules which may be the above but also include any discipline put into effect by breaking the above rules.
Currently using the Riley method for GROSS infarctions on above rules for my gfg. She is not allowed to use the phone or to see some of her friends that I have deemed unsuitable. I did this out of desperation that she was a danger to herself and made the wrong choices. The friends that she can no longer see are those that ignored my requests that they NOT call my home for my daughter until I said they could. They chose to call anyway so I changed the rules to do not call ever!!! This is the best way of telling whether or not they are decent friends - when an adult says no - THEY MEAN IT - IF YOU CAN'T FOLLOW THESE RULES THEN YOU DO NOT RESPECT AUTHORITY. (just an example here as far as decent friends go I have a pc who is currently in trouble for something and I told his friends not to call and guess what THEY HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED - IT HAS BEEN 3 WKS!!!!) I have phoned the police to file charges for telephone harassment. It can be done.
My gfg is hardly in prison. I allowed her to get a job. She works alot and is happy with it. She is also voluteering 1 day a week and she plays volleyball with decent kids 1 day a week. I also allow her to spend time talking with the girlfriend next door WHO DID NOT CALL MY HOUSE WHEN SHE WAS TOLD NOT TO.
We have a long way to go of course and this is not by any means the answer to everything but it instills order back to our house like it should be.
Kathy
hiya,, it's RED! lol ...
Janet, I think I mentioned sitting down and writing a contract about the rules, and the punishment for not following the rules and have the kids sign them,,, They know WHAT the rule is, WHAT the punishment is..
Mali's first thing punishment is having to write the "rule she broke" and something like "I must show my mother and father respect, and do what they ask me to do"..... She has to write the whole sentences 10 times.... I have found out that when she starts to write in her frustrated temper tantrum way, by the end of it,, she is calm, able to get along with us much better..!! So it seems to be working to help with the meltdowns too!!
Good luck gal,, I'll be thinking about you when I'm in Charleston this weekend... sun, surf and seafood, and a bed to sleep in... ahaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh... sound so nice! Take care Buddy, I luv ya..!
Sandie in SC (if Connie gets on chat this evening (jakes mom) ask her if she got my emails,, I"ve also made a post directly to her here on the board...
talk with you Monday morning... Looks like you've got some real good advice in the other replies, hope you can find something that works. We are looking forward to meeting your boys next weekend.. tell cory Hi for us.. (whatta good lookin guy!) see ya...
Sandie in SC
Hi Janet!
What a great idea! Hope this one goes for a while cause it will be great to see all the ideas that we are trying to use in our homes!
Right now the rules in my house are pretty lax! Only PC at home! There are a list of chores for her to do and if she chooses not to do them then she doesn't get paid! I leave the choice to her tho! Some weeks things get done and some they don't but I am not going to stress about it!
Curfew is a big issue though in my household. I expect her to be where she says she is going and home at the time I designate!
Things will have to change tho when the boys come home so I will watch this post for ideas! LOL!
Carol
Dear Janet,
I note that you wanted house rules for teens. I found that these differ greatly from rules of younger aged kids. We had to simplify the rules for our gfg - my dh and I wrote them out and then fine tuned them with her. Allowing her imput gave her the impression that she was included in the process. We also kept them fairly simple.
1. All chores must be completed and approved by one of the parents (her idea of complete and ours were worlds apart!) or NO allowance was paid out. Note: we started out with a point system, but scraped that when she asked how much $$ would she not get paid if she skipped a certain job.
2. Her room and bathroom were to be thoroughly cleaned once a week - parents had the right to implement an additional cleaning session if the rooms exceeded board of health guidelines. This was easy as she didn't share either room and she was the only one who used them - no one wanted to anyway!! She did her own laundry so if she didn't have clean underwear - that was her problem. She was confined to her room until cleaning was complete.
3. Telephone rules: 2 phone calls/day for 20 mins each. If she wanted more phone useage, then she could get a job and pay for her own phone. Phones were locked up when we were not home. This seems extreme but this resulted from severe phone abuse on her part - caught her taking the den phone to her room and staying on it all hours of the night. Violations resulted in a phone blackout. Caller ID solved many problems, I didn't answer the phone if her friends called - just let the machine pick up.
4. Parents must know when, where and with whom you are going out with - had a spiral bound book that she was to put entries. This avoided the argument "I didn't say I was going with Brandy to the Mall" when she was caught with someone else/someplace she shouldn't have been. Punishment was grounding and police would be called if she took off and she would be reported as a runaway.
The past few years, The Blond's rules got to be less and less as it put too much stress on me. Policing her took every ounce of energy and she was a spiteful b@tch and would do some mean and ugly things that it was hardly worth getting into arguments with her. I finally accepted that telling the truth was not something she was familiar with. She lied about everything - I truly feel she is pathological. I didn't even require respect - just a civil tongue.
Less is more in this case. My mental state overrode teaching her to take on her responsibilities. I don't think of it as giving up, but feel I had surrendered to the inevitable and accepted that she wouldn't do one more thing than what she wanted to do or felt she would get away with. We all have our limits - you must figure out what yours are.
I'm a firm believer in Natural Consequences. I never worried about her homework - she took whatever consequences the teacher doled out. Her grades were her problem.
Don't know if this helped, but every family has it's own limits and requirements.
JT
I tried the lists of rules and stated consequences , unfortunately, with me and dh it worked , but my sister felt it was too much work and prefers to yell , not enforce consequences , and just b*tch to me. SO , I don't have posted rules. He's 13 , he knows right from wrong , and I brook no excuses anymore( I now think my name is a low muttered version of "stupid" LOL)When he does something annoying or is fighting w/his sister or aunt i just say, "is that how you want to be treated?" and do not allow another word from his mouth. maybe I'm wrong , but right now , it works
------------------
me-36 stressed out sales manager
DH 51 part disabled(heart) 3 years as hubby , just now back to work [img]/importthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]
GFG 13 boy put in legal system by ME ODD depression
pc 9 girl in gifted program
56 year old sister - on disability due to clinical depression(SEVERE) and arthritis
Hi all!
This is a good idea.. but I can hear it now.. GFG's WORLDWIDE in major rebellion saying:
" where is the hell did you get that crazy idea? " LOL
We have 2 rules:
1. Be safe
2. Be respectful to self and others
Everything falls under those two, and punishment is never really set in stone, and is not given immediatly.
We reserve the right to think about consequence, and I think half the time that is worse part of punishemnt for them... not knowing LOL
But there is always a consequence.
Of course mind you, we have to be creative because our GFG already dosent have TV or video games ( hasnt / wont in over 3 years lost them permanenetly ).
So we try to use natural stuff...
EX: GFG was in BR the other day, and didnt lock door, I had arm full of towels, and thought everyone was out doors... anyhow I "caught" him sitting on john and he had all 50 dixie cups spread out in front of him on floor.... use side down.
OK... please dont ask me "what was he thinking or why" .. because I have realized that with these kids... reason is NEVER EVER involved LOL ( he says he was looking at all the different pics LOL )
So.. for 3 days he cant close the bathroom door! I threw out all the cups ( gross can u imagine drinking out of one after GFG had had them on floor while doing his duty? )and he lost the " priveldge " of privacy.
Cant be trusted to be behind a closed door, ( this falls under safety and respect to others ) then he wont be behind closed door.
I want you to know that child is doing what normally takes him hours in miliseconds! LOL
Will it scar him emotionally forever? who knows... but I doubt it. Will he feel he has no rights even to privacy? Yes I hope it does!
( this is where I usually rant about the lack of rights and privacy in prison... I have seen more convicts penis's than I could ever count without a calculator )LOL
Anyhow my .02 for what its worth!
Hope everyone has fun with this thread.. to me it feels like were conspiring against them... and thats just plain cool!
Hugs N Love!!!
Jerri
Will he screw with the dixie cups again?
I doubt that too! LOL
Posting Permissions
LinkBack URL
About LinkBacks
Register To Reply
Bookmarks