Let it all hang out! Tell your most useless pdoc advice!

[DaisyFace]

OK...I think my BEST one is in the other thread {You know, the whole "Do you promise not to lie anymore? Great!"

But I think here's a good runner-up:

Tdoc: So I see in the file that she was doing great in our behavioral management program.

Me: Yes.

Tdoc: Well, you say you want help for her--so I don't understand why she is no longer participating in the program that seemed to be helping...?

Me: Because you cancelled it.

Tdoc: Oh.


Thanks, doc--that was great. Very helpful, indeed.

--DaisyF

PS--Great thread, by the way! Seems like a nominee for the archives...

[SRL]

Never even met Cory, just talked to me. Said that I must have been sexually abused in the past because Cory was reaching into the dishwasher, grabbing the forks and knives and trying to hit me with them. .

LOL, Janet. I wonder what he would have said about one of my kids who used to dip a toothbrush or pacifier into the toilet and then pop it into the mouth before we got a lock for the bathroom door.

[Wonderful Family]

Your son is manipulating you; you just have to make him do it (age 2.5) - tdoc.

Children at this age don't know what they are doing; they can't possibly be so angry they would try to hurt somebody, you don't really understand what he was doing (age 3 - trying to choke me when he couldn't get something he wanted - pdoc)

Ped appointment for strep; doc telling me GFG can't possibly be sick; he's just a brat (age 4 - I was called the next day with script and apology); found new ped

ADHD medications can make people more nervous; let's prescribe an anti-depressant and just keeping changing the dose to manage the side effects (age 5)

GFG just has to learn to manage his emotions like everyone else; these kinds of things are always a parenting issue in my experience. (Age 6) Pdoc

One last one; your son is not normal (tdoc - age 12).

Dare we go on . . .

[WSM]

We always get, "You need to give him more positive reinforcement." and "He needs more positive time alone with his father."

Um...they spend ALL DAY SUNDAY TOGETHER working on house projects. Twelve hours at least. He gets more time than any of the other 4 kids PUT TOGETHER. Usually GFG is surly, passive aggressive and slow to his assigned chores. If it goes well and they seem to have a nice time together, GFG will then turn around and do something to sabotage his dad.

GFG has ATTACHMENT DISORDER. Friendliness and bonding seem threatening to him. What a good idea to give him more of it. (And let's just ignore all the reports of revenge that occur afterwards). Spending time with dad to GFG actually means dad takes him shopping and buys him what he wants, dad takes him to restaurants, dad plays video games with him even if that morning he snuck dad's lap top in the pool.

And as for the positive reinforcement? GFG wants rewards for breathing. "I didn't throw my shoes away today, I should get a treat." Nobody else gets rewarded for not throwing away his or her shoes. Ummm...no, you aren't going to get a reward for not stealing today, not breaking other people's property, not lying, not hitting your sister, etc... You will get recognition for doing your homework, for washing the dishes well, for being dressing properly/using proper hygiene, etc...

But that requires effort and change on GFG's part and he won't do it.

I hate to say it, but GFG has very little positive behavior. He's on a quest to be celebrate no matter how he behaves, he deeply resents that ANY consequences good or bad is linked to his behavior. GFG will tell you straight out that he should have 'unconditional love' (I swear he's been in too much therapy) no matter how he behaves. GFG says (to us) we can prove that we love him only by rewarding him for behaving badly. GFG has a thinking disorder and really believes this, but GFG says to the professionals, with his wounded puppy expression, "I just want my dad to spend more time with me (aahhh poor little thing). I just was positive reinforcement." He won't admit to them the things he says to us. He's learned to play us off against the professionals.

When we describe his behavior to the professionals, they just look at us like we are crazy. It 'can't be' the way we report it, there must be something we are doing wrong (or as one pdoc said, why do you want your son to be sick?).

Then they start listening to the history and it's so overwhelming they always say:

"All right, let's JUST START OVER. From this point on all privileges are restored, all family systems to protect ourselves (such as alarms on doors and windows and cameras) are abolished."

GFG LOVES this!!!!!!! It gives him free reign to wreak sneaky, hostile, passive aggressive havoc for several weeks (stealing and destroying our stuff, throwing away things, etc...), until one by one the therapist takes away the video games, the tv, reinstalls the alarms, sees the value of the camera, etc... And within 3 months things are exactly the way they were before (except the rest of the family is angry, tramatized and GFG has cost us a lot of money).

And then the therapist either says, "We can't help you, good luck." or "There's something wrong with you as parents that you are inspiring this in him."

Some even say, "You aren't doing enough to make him feel loved. The whole family (including the other kids) should drop everything and dedicate themselves to GFG's emotional health." There have been those who thought we should quit jobs, and those who think that are days should center around making GFG feel loved.

The profession is filled with codependents.

Oddly enough the ones who understand our situation the most are the police, the probation officers, and very strangely enough CPS investigators (except for one nightmare one). The last CPS investigator gave GFG a very hard time and told us how to protect ourselves from him. I guess she was secretly from the Parent Protection Services, LOL.

I would love to hear about a professional who actually fixed the problem. All they have is 'start over', 'making charts with gold stars', schemes with tickets that can be taken away and redeemed, 'positive reinforcement', 'list your goals and break down the steps to fulfill them', and 'spend more time alone with dad'. When that all fails, it's "What's wrong with you parents that you are scapegoating this kid?"

Except for cases when medication works, are there even ANY success stories with pdocs?

[WSM]

I got so many of these.

Our GFG will throw away his shoes. Even if we have him check them in and out with us like library books each morning and afternoon, he's ever alert for the possibility of stealing them and 'disappearing' them.

We constantly get the advice: "Fine, just let him do without shoes then."

Umm....okay. Well, he can't go to school without shoes (against the law), so do one of us quit our job to stay home with him? Do we allow him never to go to school again? What do we tell the truant judge? Does he go barefoot in the winter, the rain, stores?

Come on, people think.

Finally we put him in a military school. They said, "Buy a couple dozen pairs of $2 flipflops. We'll make him do PT in it. That won't be any fun."

It wasn't and the problem went from him disappearing his shoes to him disappearing his uniforms. The school gave up, he's the only kid in military school who doesn't wear uniforms. They do make him clean the bathrooms every morning he doesn't have one tho.

[Steely]

What an awesome post MWM.
I do not have time to read all the replies, but I will later.

Here is my all time favorite. A pdoc told me to allow gfg to "break things" when he got angry. So if he wanted to pound a hole in a wall, give him a wall to do it - if he wanted to break things, give him things to break, etc.

OMG - Seriously? The kid was over the top manic!!!!

It was 6 years ago the ONE time I allowed it - I still have a whole closet wall destroyed, not to mention the rest of the walls that got damaged that were fixed - and no kidding - I am still finding chards of plates that he smashed in my backyard, years later.

Once he started he could not stop. It seriously was the stupidest advice I have ever received in regards to gfg. Maybe for a moderately angry non bi-polar child............but gfg??

I still am in dismay about that suggestion.

[Hope]

From a tdoc we went to one time: Kids need a hierarchy among themselves. GFG1 should always have the front seat, always go first, etc. because she is the oldest. GFG2 will learn her place.

From our current tdoc that I like but didn't like this: GFG1 is not ready to make her own sandwich for her lunch. (GFG1 was probably 11 at the time and very capable of making a sandwich.)

[BestICan]

"Caffeine is a stimulant. Why don't you give him a bunch of caffeine and see if he calms down? Then you'll know if he has ADHD."

[DaisyFace]

OMG!!

These are SOOO awful...and SOOO funny....

and SOOO sad that we are paying good money for this kind of "advice"

[rejectedmom]

After my GFg had attacked me the first time while on drugs and I had to defend myself his Tdoc told me that she could help me be "less reactive". What are you supposed to do when your mountain of a gfg has both of your hands and is bending them back to your wrists and you feel like they are going to snap any second? Oh yeah... you get "less reactive" -RM