Suicide fear hanging over my head

[Elise]

Yesterday, I read the Time's article about 3 college students that committed suicide at New York University in Sept. and Oct. of this year. I kept thinking how will I ever trust that GFG won’t do the same.

Last night, I asked GFG if he would have really killed himself on that day last July that I hospitalized him. GFG replied, “I might have. I’m not sure.� I think it was a very real possibility.

I find it so hard to live with this threat of suicide hanging over my head. GFG is still so young and hasn’t experienced the real pressures that life has to offer. Do you ever get past this fear? It seems to have colored everything.

Elise

[Nonno aka Larry]

It is a little less intense, now. But it hasn't
gone away. It's always there. For me.

[SassyGirl]

Dear Elise,

I'm in the same boat as you. But you know what, with maturity and stabilization, I don't see my child choosing that option now.

Of course, he is in the hospital, but full of hope about life.

I do worry that he may someday have enough stress that he THINKS about this option. However, I do believe with maturity (there's that word again!) he knows that he can choose other, healthier options.

This is one of the reasons I am so in favor of him being both in the hospital and at a TBS. I cannot teach my son ways to cope with his stresses. (He wouldn't listen to me, for sure). He is getting intense intervention about how to manage his illness.

And that is what our boys will have to do the rest of their lives.

My friend has a 24-year old son who was hospitalized twice in his teens. She still worries when he is depressed. But he did tell her recently he might have to go back on Zoloft. I thought that was very insightful. He is learning what to look for and how to handle it.

Does your GFG get therapy to learn various coping skills when he gets upset?

Hugs,
SassyGirl

[Sheila]

I don't know how you'd move past this. Gfg was expressing "I want to die" a couple of years ago. Scared me stupid.

[Fran]

Elise,
I have to say that one of my worst nightmares would be to have ignored a suicide threat and for my beloved gfg to follow through. I, personally, don't think I could survive the guilt. It is one of those things that has colored every consequence I ever gave.
In my book, nothing but nothing was worth his life. I'm not talking about manipulative threats.
Your gfg was close. You have every reason to be on guard. My thought and hope is that with age and stability that the threat of suicide is kept to a passing thought.
I am on the same page with you on this subject.

[witzend]

It's always at the back of my mind. He has talked them into taking him off his antidepressants and the last I saw of him he was as bad as he ever was. Moping, disengaging. As Pooh would say, "Worry, worry, worry."

[Corysmom]

Suicide for bipolars gets even scarier when they dont talk about it. I realize it is harder on parents and spouses and friends to hear us saying that life is hard and that we wish we could die and that all that garbage...but that is usually meaning we are talking. The real desperate suicides are happening after a manic episode when the shame hits them and they just cant live with what they have done and then they just do away with themselves. I can understand that. If I had just gone out and spent all our money on **** we didnt need, ran up huge amounts of debt for us to boot, had sex with men and women alike, come home to see the absolute raw pain in my husbands eyes as he tried to deal with that fact because I could never keep my mouth shut about what I did, then yeah...when I crashed...I would probably be wanting to die fast. If I had a way to do it quick...I probably wouldnt be here. Those are the times bipolars tend to act. So if they are in treatment and stable...suicide is much less likely.

I cant say I never think about it. I do. Heck...I was crying in bed last nite after answering Frans post on here. Hubby was just holding me trying to figure out just what the heck caused all this...lol. Im trying to explain but it never makes sense. Im blubbering about how...why was I supposed to not tell? lol. He has just learned to hold me while he sleeps. Then he has to get up at like 4:30 am for work and he checks on me to make sure Im ok before he goes to work. He just kisses me goodbye and says...your not the same you anymore. He took so much.

Argh ...ok...I need to stop writing books on here.

LMS...we are going to either have to collaborate or start our own thread...lol

[addie]

Janet - that is so amazing!

I don't get into the bipolar stuff for kiddos ... it may exist, it may not - there is no question they are mood disordered, though, so there is still a problem.

But MIL was a 100% bipolar. Manic depressive to the max, though meds worked well when they were working - which was usually.

And the one suicide attempt she made (or said she made) was after a really terribly awful horrendous manic episode ... as you said, perhaps shame.

Most of the kids I have or have had, have mood disorders of some kind or other; many threaten suicide or they self harm. I guess I would be terrified if one of my own said it ... none of the three have though it cut me to ribbons the day Jess said she might as well be dead/or would be happier dead.

But I have never heard of one following through. I don't know if that is any comfort ... all suicides I have heard of - and there are way too many amongst teens .... come as a surprise. Always questions are asked ... why? There were no warnings.

Anyway, I just hoped that would perhaps help a bit.

addie

[Elise]

Janet, Thank you for sharing your insight. Your posts are so helpful to me.


Addie,
Please read about suicide on the NAMI site, http://web.nami.org/helpline/suicide.htm .

Common misconceptions about suicide:


"People who talk about suicide won't really do it."

Almost everyone who commits suicide has given some clue or warning. Do not ignore suicide threats. Statements like "You'll be sorry when I'm dead," or "I can't see any way out"-no matter how casually or jokingly said-may indicate serious suicidal feelings.

Elise

[Star*]

Elise,

In the back of my mind (as far as I can push it) I put this topic. Mostly because I am powerless basically to do anything about it. I'll explain.

Several years ago when I married x, he was suicidal. Not your typical suicidal person. It was mostly drug enduced times where he (I believe) wanted to get off drugs and have a life without them but wasn't able to) In 13 years of marriage I remember 12 attempts that were beyond what anyone should have to live through. After I left I have found out he's attempted several more times and even contemplated jumping off one of the worlds highest bridges. He still continues to be that way today.

Then there was the very real and breath taking failed suicide attempt of my son while in RTC. He attempted to hang himself. I believe it was from the meds he was on and in part due to the curiosity of where the attention giving comes in.

Several years ago, my sons uncle on his bio idiot's side was supposed to travel with me to get rid of some of the stress. We had been planning the trip for a while and at the last minute he backed out. It seemed harmless enough until I got to my destination and was met with a phone call that he had shot up the kitchen, left a note on the door to simply call 911 and blew his head off. Most of the contents of the kitchen had to be thrown out due to the nature of the mess it left behind.

So do I worry about GFG? Yes. Can I do anything about it if he chooses to take his life? No. I can delay it and do the best I can to make him understand what I feel about life being a gift, and reassuring him of my love. And mourning a senseless loss if he insists on suicide.

Would I let it color MY world? How could it not? WOuld I let it run my life? BTDT and no amount of forethough or hindsight on my part seemed to make a difference. Even out of my sight, Ex continues to exhibit these behaviors and I couldn't help him then and I can't help him now.

Sadly you can only do so much for people sons and daughters included. I think it's the saddest of all behaviors regarding any disorder.

Just my nickles worth.

Hugs
Star