Adult children who stop talking to you

[Raven21901]

I had a good relationship with my kids when they were small and as teens. When they grew up they decided mom was the bad guy. Around 18-20 they decided that they wanted me out of their life and not to contact them any further. My daughter is now 30 and my son 27. I was basically a single parent because their father was to busy drinking and running around. I was a stay at home mom that did all the things a mom are suppose to do for their children. I did the best I could. I would of loved to left their father sooner than I did but he threatened to run with the kids. So I stayed and now I am paying for it by my kids thinking I am the bad mother. Has anyone ever experienced this before. My kids do not speak to each other. It is just one big dysfunctional mess. I am remarried to a wonderful man. I miss my kids and want them in my life. How long can they go on punishing me.

[busywend]

What do they think you did wrong? Stay with their dad too long? Do they have children of their own yet?

[Hound dog]

Raven ((((hugs))))

Busy already asked the questions I was thinking of.......... How you attempted to contact them recently? Maybe just for coffee to talk things over? If they do have children....they may be coming to a point in their lives where they can now look at it from your side and see your view of those years. From what you said it sounds as if they blame you for staying with their dad perhaps? Often children are unable to see the reasons behind a parents actions until they reach a certain point of maturity themselves. They still may have to work through their own feelings ect.....about it but can sometimes be reached out to and respond.

We didn't communicate/see katie for 6 yrs. Her choice, not ours. One day, after having those years to mature, she took a chance and reached out. Not all family members were receptive to her at first and really gave her a piece of their mind, things that they really needed to say and she really needed to hear. Once we got past that point the healing began.....it's been a slow steady process from then. (little more than 2 yrs now)

((hugs))

[Raven21901]

That could be part of the problem with my daughter, staying with their dad to long. She had several abusive relationships that I helped put a stop too, she ask me too. Then all of a sudden she wanted no contact with me. She won't tell me why. She just said that she is busy. She is 30 now and this has been going on most of her 20's. With my son. Could be part of staying with their dad to long and part where I had to make him leave the house because his girlfriend tried to beat up my 80 year old mother. All because my mom ask them to put their dishes in the dishwasher. So his girlfriend got violent and I made them leave. Then a few years later after not talking to me he calls me up and ask for money for a lawyer because he got arrested for possession of pot. I refused to give it to him and told him if he quit drugs he would have the money for a lawyer. He was mad on those two problems saying I did not stand by him.

What do they think you did wrong? Stay with their dad too long? Do they have children of their own yet?

[Raven21901]

My daughter lives over an hour away. I txted her last month and ask to meet her because it was her birthday. I had to be in that area for a doctors appointment. She said she would be out of town for a long period of time and would not want to see me anyway. I found her home number on the internet and called and left a message. No response. I sent her a card which should be arriving this week. As for my son he moved to another state last year and never told me. I have no clue where he is. So I can not contact him. Well I did find out what town and state he is in but I have no address. His girlfriends family won't tell me anything they said stay out his life and his dad wont tell me anything either.

Raven ((((hugs))))

Busy already asked the questions I was thinking of.......... How you attempted to contact them recently? Maybe just for coffee to talk things over? If they do have children....they may be coming to a point in their lives where they can now look at it from your side and see your view of those years. From what you said it sounds as if they blame you for staying with their dad perhaps? Often children are unable to see the reasons behind a parents actions until they reach a certain point of maturity themselves. They still may have to work through their own feelings ect.....about it but can sometimes be reached out to and respond.

We didn't communicate/see katie for 6 yrs. Her choice, not ours. One day, after having those years to mature, she took a chance and reached out. Not all family members were receptive to her at first and really gave her a piece of their mind, things that they really needed to say and she really needed to hear. Once we got past that point the healing began.....it's been a slow steady process from then. (little more than 2 yrs now)

((hugs))

[Hound dog]

Raven

Sounds like you are dealing with 2 gfgs with their own issues. Is there any history of mental health issues on either side of the family? I'm thinking ex most likely had something going on hence the drinking whether it was dxed or not. And unfortunately gfg son has followed in his dad's footsteps and is doing drugs. Is that your fault? No. You could've left him when they were very very small and had the same turn out unless he had no contact whatsoever with biodad. (and heck even that wouldn't have been a guarantee)

We can only do the best we can with what we know at the time.

Do they have a relationship with their dad? They may also want you to stay in the familiar enabler role and be angry when you don't. That isn't your fault either. We can't change anyone else, we can only change ourselves. Sounds like they each have a lot to come to terms with. I'm sorry their choosing to blame you for someone else's behavior.

Hugs

[Raven21901]

For me on my side of the family we have a low seratonin level both on my mom and dads side. I have to take antidepressants that have seratonin in them. I have been dxed with depression/anxiety/ocd's/ptsd. For my ex. When he was in rehab he was dxed with anti-social behavior, bipolar, narcissist, and a sex addiction along with a drug and drinking problem and anger management problem. Those are the ones that I remember. Because he left in 1993. My daughter I have no clue if she has a relationship with her dad but my son I know he does because my ex's wife tries to throw it in my face whenever she can.

You are right about the enabler role. They were both spiraling out of control and was always asking me for money. Finally I said no more money, you have to learn to stand on your own two feet and make your way in the world. My son was holding a job but always broke because of he drugs. I was not going to support his drug habit. My daughter was on a path of job of the week and I was not going to enable those traits. She always made the excuse someone was out to get me at her work place. After I stopped giving her money she stopped talking to me but was holding down a steady job. So I should be thankful I turned her into a productive adult.

Raven

Sounds like you are dealing with 2 gfgs with their own issues. Is there any history of mental health issues on either side of the family? I'm thinking ex most likely had something going on hence the drinking whether it was dxed or not. And unfortunately gfg son has followed in his dad's footsteps and is doing drugs. Is that your fault? No. You could've left him when they were very very small and had the same turn out unless he had no contact whatsoever with biodad. (and heck even that wouldn't have been a guarantee)

We can only do the best we can with what we know at the time.

Do they have a relationship with their dad? They may also want you to stay in the familiar enabler role and be angry when you don't. That isn't your fault either. We can't change anyone else, we can only change ourselves. Sounds like they each have a lot to come to terms with. I'm sorry their choosing to blame you for someone else's behavior.

Hugs

[CrazyinVA]

It sounds as though as though they are angry that you called them on their own bad behavior, and gave them natural consequences for it. They're just not ready to accept that they did anything wrong. I know its difficult to take, but I hope knowing that you did the right thing in both situations, gives you some comfort. Still, it's a lonely feeling when your kids shut you out like that. Do you have a counselor that you see for yourself that can help you through this time? Al-Anon. Nar-Anon or Families Anonymous are also great resources in dealing with your son's substance abuse issues.

I'm glad you found this site, it's a great group of parents, and many of us have "been there done that." Check out the threads in the FAQ/Board Help forum, where you can find information on how to create a signature for yourself, a guide to the abbreviations used on the boards here, and lots of other helpful info. You can also hold your mouse over any term that you see underlined, and it will show you the "definition" of that abbreviation.

[dashcat]

Raven,
I'm so glad you found us. The wise warriors on this board have helped me more than I can say - and they'll help you, too. I had a small taste of what you're dealing with at the end of summer. My 19year old daughter was very angry with me. She'd impulsively moved out of my home and into a hotel with a loser guy she met on the internet - and "knew" for a whopping three days!. I would not give her money, driver her to work, or do anything to assist her in this bizarre situation. When it fell apart, three weeks later, she moved back with her dad. While she was with this guy, she'd talk to me, text me, meet me for coffee. The day she moved back, she stopped speaking to me and did not speak to me for a month. It's a longer story than this, but I won't go into it now. The important thing was that I let her know, through her dad, that I loved her and wanted her in my life ... and then I waited. She finally called and we've never spoken about her absence other than to say we missed one another.

She, unfortunately, continues her bad behavior at her dad's ... they have a nice little co-dependant relationship: he doesn't call her on her lying and her hypersexuality, and she doesn't call him on his drinking. It works for them, and it's out of my hands. BUT, she is now coming here every other weekend and - while here - she is on her best behavior. We aren't out of the woods yet but, at least for now, she respects my rules...even if it's only for a few days per month.

Deep down, your kids respect your refusal to enable them. They can't see it now, but I'm betting they will. If there is a way you can extend a simple "I love you" to them - text, note, facebook, e-mail, message through someone who knows you both - then do so. Then wait and pray.

I also suggest you read "CoDependant No More". It is very enlightening and it helped me to separate her choices and behavior from my beliefs and good intentions.

Best of luck to you.
Dash

[Raven21901]

That could be why my son speaks to his dad and not me because they have the drinking and drugs in common and his dad accepts that and I don't.

As for my daughter I think she liked it when I was co-dependent on her and she was on me. But when I remarried I realized I was stronger than I thought. My daughter is a rescuer like I am. I like to rescue people that are in need but at the same time I was not going to do the co-dependent thing with my kids.

What I mean about being a rescuer is I am disabled and wanted to be a productive part of society so I started a non profit to help kids that do not have much in their life. My daughter resents me doing that and thinks I am wasting my time. I am good at it and I have helped alot of people.

She, unfortunately, continues her bad behavior at her dad's ... they have a nice little co-dependant relationship: he doesn't call her on her lying and her hypersexuality, and she doesn't call him on his drinking. It works for them, and it's out of my hands. BUT, she is now coming here every other weekend and - while here - she is on her best behavior. We aren't out of the woods yet but, at least for now, she respects my rules...even if it's only for a few days per month.

Deep down, your kids respect your refusal to enable them. They can't see it now, but I'm betting they will. If there is a way you can extend a simple "I love you" to them - text, note, facebook, e-mail, message through someone who knows you both - then do so. Then wait and pray.

I also suggest you read "CoDependant No More". It is very enlightening and it helped me to separate her choices and behavior from my beliefs and good intentions.

Best of luck to you.
Dash