Adult son 33 is homeless, Im Mom, 57, trying so hard to detach, not enable...

[Payla]

I am in the struggle of my life, trying to set boundaries and watch my son go down hill. He has had many problems with responsibility his whole adult life and we, my husband, his stepdad, have enabled him since he was 18. He has had addiction problems but mostly just severe inability or refusal to deal with life. He was evicted in June from an apt I paid for, and is living in his car that we pay for. (have to, was stupid enough to co pay 1 1/2 years ago.) We have stopped most of support, but I still get sucked in and it is killing me, not to mention affecting my job and marriage. Some days I am so strong and sure I am doing the right thing, other days I am just sad. Im not conflicted about not enabling him anymore; I fully believe this is the right thing to do, but winter is coming and watching him be homeless is so hard. I am getting ready to get a restraining order so he will stop calling me at work; up to 50 times a day!!!! We had to get a no trespassing orderr to keep him from coming to our house to demand money for a hotel. I am a fool but I listen to the voicemails and call him back!!! Im in therapy and reading tons about co dependancy and enabling, but I'm not following the program very well lately. I think codependancy in a parent child relationship is harder to break, especially for a mother. I changed my cell phone number and now have peace on weekends, but come to work to tons of desperate voicemails. His tale lately is that he cant get a job because he has no clean clothes and cant shower: both untrue. I keep telling him to go to mental health clinic. I need peace and I need strengh to watcth this play out.

[recoveringenabler]

Welcome Payla. I'm sorry you had to find us, but I'm glad you did. Many of us understand your predicament, we've been there. It is a very difficult decision to detach from your child, no matter how old they are. I'm happy to know you have a therapist, because you need all the support you can muster up. I'd find a codependency CoDa 12 step group too, you may need more support then you presently have.

I have a 39 year old daughter who has mental issues and I just recently had to do what you're in the process of doing, setting very strict boundaries with her and the lifestyle she leads. Ultimately, after getting her hooked up with the local Mental Health org. which can get her help with housing, jobs, education, meds, health care, etc. I had to distance myself from her lifestyle choices. It was way too much intensity and drama. By making sure she was set up with all the services that would assist her, I was able to let go at that point. It was a process of systematically detaching little by little with a lot of support. I don't know if she is availing herself to those services, however, she is honoring my request to not involve me in her drama and not contact me unless she has a job and she is in therapy.

It doesn't sound as if your son is honoring any of your requests which makes it more challenging. I don't believe there is any right way or wrong way to detach from our kids, we all have to find our way through and figure out how we can do this amazingly challenging feat. It takes time and truckloads of help, in my opinion. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Of course you need peace, you deserve that. He doesn't have a right to rob you of your life. It sounds to me as if you are doing all the appropriate things with this last one of the restraining order perhaps being the final piece. It IS hard, there is no way around that, what becomes necessary is for you to focus on yourself and your life and let him sink or swim in his. I am truly sorry, I know how much it hurts and breaks your heart. Hang in there, keep posting, do kind things for yourself, get lots of support.((( HUGS)))

[Payla]

Thank you so much for responding! Your warm post helps in just knowing others go through this. I admire you for your strength and for raising your grand daughter. I am going on a vacation with my husband and youngest daughter, out of the country for a week this Monday. When I get back, I plan to get the restraining order and I will perhaps go find a CODA group. I would feel so much better if he would get help of course, but I have to do this for his sake and mine, so he may get desperate enough to go get help.

[recoveringenabler]

You're welcome. I found this board last January, just as everything heated up with my daughter and she was arrested and then lived with us for awhile, then lived in her car, it was horrible. However, with the support of others on this board, I saw that not only was I not alone, but others were going through all the same feelings and fears, resentments, sorrows and nightmares about what COULD happen to our kids. I had to find that strength just as you are right now, it is not natural to have to do what we have to do.

I don't know where you live, but I'm in California and I belong to a very large Health org. called Kaiser, which has a remarkably good codependency program in their chemical dependency network. They have therapists trained in codependency and offer private therapy as well as groups. The groups are wonderful because I am among other mothers who are heartbroken about their kids choices, whether it's because of substance abuse, mental illness or both. We see ourselves in each other and really help one another get through this. It's a year long program which came to me just as all of this was coming to a head. Now that I am (or seem to be and hope to be) passed the worst part, I can look back and really see that without all of that support, I think I would have been suffering a whole lot longer and perhaps maybe not been able to let go at all. I don't know, but what I do know is that the support of trained individuals helped me to see the whole thing through a different perspective, and with support that perspective made more and more sense and helped me to let go and accept. Acceptance is the key, in my opinion. If you have a spiritual network, it's very helpful to utilize prayer and meditation as well.

It goes against so much of what we feel in our hearts that we want to do for our children, it goes against all our instincts to protect and love and nurture and help. It's like trying to stop a run-away train. That's why you need so much support. Look into your health plan and see if anything like that is offered where you live. If your son is mentally challenged as well, look in to the local NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness- that's who I got my daughter hooked up with) they offer support groups for families, for you, and believe me, it helps you to understand, cope, find resources and begin to find peace. Just keep digging until you find the right resources for you. The way out of this, as I see it, in addition to detaching from your son, is to really take EXCELLENT, continuing care of yourself, to get all the support you can so that you can not only detach from him, but have a good, healthy, joyful, peaceful life. You certainly deserve that, especially now, as we are older and close to retirement.

I send you warm wishes and prayers that you find peace and a light heart. Oh, and have a wonderful vacation with your husband and daughter, put this all aside and go have fun! (I went to Kauai when my daughter was homeless, it was hard, but it really helped to break the unhealthy connection) (((HUGS)))

[Payla]

Good morning !
your reply has helped me start my day on a positive determined note. I'm going for a walk with a dear friend in a few minutes who always helps me with my struggle. I will go to CODA when I get back. I just keep giving my son the number for the mental health clinic and he crumbles it up and throws it away. We live in Rhode Island so winter is cold. At some point when I really stop giving him gas for his car and cash for food he will seek help? I'm weary thinking about him and vey ready for the vacation: Ireland!!! I was thinking the same thing you said; it will help with detachment because I will be out of touch. I pray every day; I have very strong faith, and my counselor is great. I'm grateful I found this site and for connecting with you!

[adt2012]

Hello, so glad to see that I'm not alone anymore! I found this site yesterday out of sheer desperation. I typed "What to do when your child steals from you" in the search engine and thankfully, this forum came back. This thread spoke to my situation as my GFC is 21 and headed towards that end. The story is too long to tell right now - almost don't know where to begin. Suffice it to say that I reached the end of my rope with him last night and asked him to leave.

Of course he was back in an hour asking if he could just stay here at night and he would leave during the day. Somehow, I had the strength to say no and close the door while he was attempting to manipulate me by saying, "Whatever happens to me out here is on your head!". Almost right after I locked the door for the 3rd time, he knocked again, this time with tears in his eyes. Unmoved, I demanded that he check into a facility immediatley to get help because there is nothing else I can do for him at this point.

This morning I took him in, provided my insurance card and left him with a stern warning. "Don't even think about calling me with a sob story in a few days, telling me that all is well and you're back on track! Stay here and address your issues - all of them! This is the last thing that I can do for you. If you choose to walk away from this opportunity to get well, you're on your own." He called tonight and seems to be readjusting well (he was there last year). His attitude seems positive and he says that he is looking forward to the therapy. So far so good. The only part thing is that we've had so many starts/stops on this journey so far. I'm just praying that this one will be on going. Thankfully he is only addicted to pot. I'm sure it could be much worse. Then again, pot for him is like heroin to others so at the end of the day, I guess it's the same thing. He has lied, stolen, become violent and verbally abusive all while going through the cycle of manic depression. This is my little boy with the smile that warmed my heart. Somewhere along the line, he turned into someone that is unrecognizable and breaks my heart. I keep trying to save him but of course it isn't working. I'm not sure where this will end. I'm just praying that it doesn't end with him homeless or dead.

So many thoughts, so much more background and detail. So many other things going on at the same time. Sometimes I wish I could have a nervous breakdown, I just don't have the time!!! Forgive my weak attempt at adding some levity here. I try to smile where I can while I hold on! Thanks for reading and for your honesty which helped tremendously. Best wishes in your respective situations.

[Dammit Janet]

Welcome to the board. It is so awfully hard. I have a 31 year old son who lives with me who really doesnt have any substance abuse issues or major mental health problems but I have got to find a way to get him out on his own because it simply isnt doing him any good to continue living with me. He is a perpetual teen at this point. He works but doesnt really do much else for himself and it drives me nuts. I dont think I can actually move into my empty nest point the way I am supposed to with him here and it is causing me to stagnate.

[recoveringenabler]

Good morning ADT, welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm sorry that you're going through this with your son. I'm glad you're here, you are not alone. Keep writing, it helps. I hope your son wakes up this time and gets the help he needs. In the meantime, my pretty standard advice, having been there, is to get yourself surrounded with as much support as you can. Find a therapist if you haven't already, get in a group of some kind, make yourself available to others who are trained, and/or have been there, who can offer you guidance, a soft shoulder, a safe environment to vent, rage, weep and talk, and put yourself in places where others really understand.

We find ourselves in a very unique and extremely challenging point in our lives, one that goes against the normal parenting trajectory, it can be a lonely and very disheartening journey and to make it all more difficult, the road to peace is up and down, sideways and back and forth. Detaching from our kids is such a difficult and heartbreaking experience, some opt out completely, others just continue the enabling, some go back and forth, some manage to remove themselves from all the drama and intensity, some get serious stress related health issues, it's all over the map. We each have to find our own way, there isn't one right way, or a book to tell us how to do it.

I'm sorry you are suffering. I know that fear you harbor of your son being homeless or dead, our mother's hearts most devastating worry. I understand and so do many others here. Keep posting, we're listening, get yourself support and lots of it, read books, pray, take walks, try to find joy each day so that you remember you have a life too, connect with others who understand where you are, take VERY, VERY good care of yourself. I send you caring thoughts and prayers for you to find peace. (((HUGS)))

[Tiredof33]

(((hugs))) It is extremely hard! My gfg is 34yo and I feel as if I have dealt with this my entire life. After a 2 year relationship from hell with another 37yo gfg he was conning me for money to finish school so he could get a job. He was telling me he was homeless, needed money for food, blah... blah... blah... I fell for it and found out it was a lie and they were using the money to party.

I finally found out when I had to call the police to get the 37yo gfg, that I had met once, to stop harrassing me. Then he really was homeless!!

It hurts BUT they will use you and manipulate you and leave you in financial ruins, and feel no remorse. I have had my gfg in many programs and now it is up to him. He is presently working and lives in another state. THANK GOD! It still hurts BUT I no longer feel responsible for his many life screw ups. You can only control your life not anothers, even your child. He is an adult and has been for many years - for some reason they simply do not learn or want to be responsible. If you don't let him go you will be supporting him for the rest of his life.

This is a free online book that has helped along with many other books, and of course counseling. Reading the posts from this forum and the substance abuse forum is a great help.
http://www.support4change.com/index....=177/7/23.html

Do things for yourself and enjoy your much deserved vacation!

[Payla]

Dear Tired,
Thank you for your reply and online book recommendation! It does help so much to talk to others in a similar situation. Hugs back to you !