Adult son 33 is homeless, Im Mom, 57, trying so hard to detach, not enable...

[adt2012]

Hello All. Thank you so much for your comments and advice, I appreciate it more than I can express. So, the sad saga continues. He checked himself out today and was on my doorstep when I arrived home from work. I have to admit, I wasn't ready to see him and I especially wasn't ready to see him high. Apparently, while he was waiting for me and couldn't get in the house, he went to his friends house and smoked a blunt (marijuana). I was livid. But I still let him in nagging and enraged - threatening, but still letting him in. This is why I get what I get from him. Empty promises and no change. I'm on the cusp of being able to let go. I know I am. I just have a bit more to go to have peace of mind with it. I bought him a bus pass so that he can get to out-patient therapy tomorrow. At least I didn't give him money, right? My plan is this. If he backs out of therapy, gets high again or in any way isn't productive, then he's out. It seems solid on the surface until I face the reality that he won't continue therapy, he will get high again, and there will be a day in the near future where he just lays in bed in a pit of self pity. I'm just trying to get to the point where I can say that I've done all I can do and be okay with it. Right now, I know I've done all I can do, but I'm still not okay with it. I'm praying for the strength, I really am. I come from a mother that endured against all odds and I guess I'm just trying to be her because she did it, why can't I be as strong as she was? Reality - I should realize the fact that her "eduring" is probably what sent her to an early grave. But then again, isn't that what I should accept as my fate? I mean, he didn't ask to come here. There must be something that I did or didn't do or allowed or shouldn't have allowed along the way that got him to this point. Shouldn't I rescue him at all cost and accept what happens to me as a simple result of my ineffective parenting? The answer comes swiftly. I was there, I sheltered, I nurtured and protected. I'm not responsible for this and I am allowing it to continue and I do deserve some semblance of happiness. But how can I ever be happy with my son out in the world in a state of who knows what? I'm so conflicted and trying so hard to reconcile all of these thoughts. At the end of the day, I just feel... lost.

[recoveringenabler]

adt,that cusp you speak of is the razors edge, where all of those feelings come up, 'you should have, you could have, you must endure, it's on you,' and one piece at a time, you look at those thoughts and dismantle them so that you begin to see the truth. You didn't cause this, you can't change it, you can't cure it, only he can do that. I had all of those thoughts and I imagine most of us Mom's here on this board who are dealing with detachment, have. It hurts, it takes time, it takes soul searching and decisions you never wanted to make. I know. I'm so sorry, I can hear how lost you feel, I've felt that too.

Hang in there, keep posting, the hardest part is where you are, choosing to let go and going over and over in your mind what YOU could have done differently. You've done it all, now it's time to give him the reigns to his own life and take yourself out of the equation.

For what's it's worth, I have been exactly where you find yourself and it's a process, one step at a time, but it will get better. I hope you have support around you, because this is very challenging to do on our own. I am estranged from my daughter and haven't spoken to her in almost 5 weeks and each day MY life gets easier and more peaceful. There are others here who have made a similar choice and their lives got easier too. I know how hard it is to do what you're doing, but you're doing it, you're going through it and the way you just described it is the way it is, those doubts are devastating, but that is part of this, you have to walk through all those doubts to get to the other side. You're lost in all the feelings but you know, on some level, that you're doing the right thing. Follow that. You'll find your way. You're not alone. We're here. Gentle hugs coming your way........

[blackgnat]

Hhi all, I'm exactly in the same situation and it is taking me all I have to detach and I'm still not sure that I'm capable of it. I have posted here about my son before, yet have allowed all the horrendous behaviors to continue.

We were evicted from my home on August 2nd. I have an apartment, my pc son has an apartment (that he is working to pay for) and yet until tonight, I paid almost $1000 that I cannot afford, to keep my gfg son in fleabag motels. He found drugs and alcohol in these places with absolutely NO problem and without any funding from me. I told him that if you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas. But really, HE is one of the dogs.

On two separate occasions in this last month, he has had opportunities to be in a sober living house and in a residential rehab program in a mission. The first time he was drunk and they couldnt accept him (they told me they would have done if he hadn't shown up drunk and who can blame them) and the second time, he had managed to get in touch with an old connection and he was high.

Tonight after work, I took him from his motel to a mission that I had heard was a working program. TV, showers and everything have to be earned by working for them. They accepted him and I saw this as a gift from the universe. Once he was accepted and we had to get him out of the motel, I got an earful, but I figure that it's fear talking and that this will do him a world of good IF HE STICKS TO IT. Those are the key words.

I think I'm trying to say that my heart breaks for us all. I ADORED this kid and really did him a great disservice by enabling him, all in what I thought was the name of love. Now I see that I created this particular monster-a manchild who cannot do for himself because I required NOTHING from him and felt that all I needed to do was to love and protect him! I did such damage!

I am by no means detached, but am acting like it and trying to get used to the feeling. It does not sit well with me at all. But as my therapist says, Your helping isn't helping....

[Bambie]

Thank you recoveringenabler....for your thoughts. I appreciate them so much. I also admire you for the strength you seem to have.....and GOD bless you. You sound like a great person. Also, it is nice in an ironic way that I have others to share these frustrations and feelings. I am not saying that I am happy everyone is going through this horror....but glad that I am not just crazy....as I sometimes feel. I believe that somehow I created this monster that has grown in my son.....he had a good life. I had a great job (law enforcement...as well as my husband too) and they say that "cops" kids can be some of the worse. I am a true believer of that. I worked as a bailiff in juvenile court and felt so much for those poor kids....but I often wonder if I provided too well as a result. It may have been my way of helping others....through my kids. I dont know...it is hard to say. My daughter is 32 and a great kid......no problems like my son...and they were raised the same. So I dont know what happened. However, my daughter has another problem. She tends to be in one relationship after the other....and all abusive. She works full time, does not USE DRUGS and owned her own home (at 26) and had it completely paid for...but lost it due to poor investment decisions and bad economy. Now she rents and appears to be dependent on abusive men. Although I dont want to get going on that problem....but it is just a sign to me that something went wrong along the way and I often blame myself. I can deal with that as long as she stays away from these men and keeps her kids safe....which she is finally starting to do. But it has caused a strain on our relationship....because she seems to blame me for "getting involved".....although she got my husband and I involved with pleas for help, etc. It is a NO WIN situation with her. Two different kids and two different problems. My gr-daughter??? 17 years old and we thought we made it through the rough years....but as of last night, we had another blow up. She is an independent teen that wants it her way....has her license, drives our car and we pay her insurance...but she is out doing pot and hash oil purchases (as we found out last night). She wonders why we get mad????and cant understand why we take the car from her. I wont go through the same hell her dad put me through..... Why do some parents have kids that appreciate them no matter what.....? I have never been in trouble, never been turned into CPS, etc etc...but somethiing about my parenting is off and I cant understand it. My husband and I are getting too old to start over again....and feel as though all our money is going toward helping our kids... Thank you so much everyone....and I appreciate everyone's comments.

[StephAnn]

But how can I ever be happy with my son out in the world in a state of who knows what? I'm so conflicted and trying so hard to reconcile all of these thoughts. At the end of the day, I just feel... lost.

This is how I feel as well. You're so not alone.

[witzend]

When you leave for vacation, be sure your house and your valuables are secured. Your son might decide he is entitled to break in and help himself to your belongings.

Yes. Have an alarm system installed if you don't have one and make sure that the company knows you're out of town and no one should be in your home. Also take your valuables and put them in a safe deposit box. Checkbooks, credit cards, id, birth/marriage certificates, everything that might be used by someone to steal your identity.

[recoveringenabler]

Blackgnat, just wanted you to know that I read your post and I am sorry for all the issues you are dealing with. I also enabled my daughter and had major guilt about that. At some point, we have to let go of that guilt and realize that at this point, regardless of what we did or didn't do, it is now up to them to make their lives into something healthy and successful. I'm glad you're in therapy, I learned the same thing, 'our helping isn't helping.' Good point.

Just as an aside, what helps me to remember is that my parents, (lots of mental illness there) did major damage to myself and my siblings and I had to take responsibility for that and heal myself......it took years and it was hard and I did it. Unfortunately, now our kids have to take responsibility and get the help they need, on their own, and we have to let them do it.

It's good your son is in a program where he has to earn everything, he has been given another chance, I hope he takes it. I know it's not easy, hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself, you did the best you knew how to do. Forgive yourself and learn to detach. I send you caring thoughts for this to get easier for you. (((HUGS))))

[blackgnat]

Recoveringenabler-thank you so much for your words of support. You can't know how much they mean to me.The acknowledgement alone is priceless!

So many people that I encounter in my daily life seem to have issues and problems with their kids that are SO removed from what we experience as parents of these kids. I feel that they could NEVER relate! But knowing that you and the others on this board are going thru our own personal hell and STILL getting up in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other (!) means everything to me!

I'm still in a state of flux-I am allowed to visit him but do I want to? I do if I know he is with the program, but if not, then no-distance is the best remedy for me.

I have experienced such a weird, nebulous shift in my attitude since i dropped him off at the mission. Cant explain it. Usually I am wracked with guilt, agony, remorse, you name it. This time I feel a kind of peace. Believe me when I say that I have been in the ninth circle of HELL with this kid for about 8 years. Up to about a week ago, I felt absolute desperation about his future. Now I kind of feel that his future is up to him. He is at a place where people care about what happens to him and most importantly, he is ACCOUNTABLE. Despite all my past foolish and dangerous actions, I feel that if he effs THIS opportunity up, he is truly alone. I hate that idea, but feel that I have done more than what any sane person would do...

I am not minimizing anything here. My son would and maybe will still do ANYTHING to escape from his reality. He beat me up in 2010 and I was in the ICU with a bleeding brain for 5 days. I STILL took him back and enabled him. People would ask "What is it going to take?" and I REALLY didn't know. For some reason I think this is it.

But I know I will be tested and I hope I have the strength to remember the horrific times...

Sorry, really don't mean this to be so about me-just know that some of you may be able to relate and let you know that at least one other person has done some unbelievable things to help their child , thinking they would finally get it...don't feel ashamed-we did what we thought was right at the time...then sadly paid the price...

[recoveringenabler]

Blackgnat, it's tough to discern our kids behaviors sometimes as being as 'out there' as they really are. When my gfg stayed with my SO and I for awhile at the beginning of the year, perhaps for the first time there was another adult who saw what I saw. Previously, for all the ensuing years, I was alone with her, no one else was right there witnessing it. Right after Christmas last year when my daughter was with us and acting really badly, he and I took a drive. As soon as we got in the car, we both started venting to each other about her behavior. When I heard him saying all the same things as I was feeling, thinking, experiencing, it really had an impact on me. Before that I could delude myself into thinking it was me, it wasn't that bad, she wasn't that 'out there,' there was something I could do, on and on my justifications went. After that day, those justifications were gone. I was really seeing the truth.

I hope you have reached a point of acceptance/detachment/awareness, which sounds like you have, for your path will get much easier now. Just last night in my therapy group we were talking about this road of detachment and how there is no right or wrong, it is not a linear experience, it's all over the map, and each one of us goes about it in the best way we can, trying so desperately, to do the right thing. No one way is THE WAY, we each find our own way in our own time. It happens when it happens, we do the best we can along the way. That's all any one of us can do.

I don't think any of us knows the answer to "what is it going to take?" It takes what it takes, is something my therapist always says. For us parents, this is a nightmare of epic proportions, which other 'regular folks' don't understand, so often we feel really alone and desperate. I'm glad you have a therapist. I hope you have a few friends or family members or loved ones who can empathize and listen to you, that's important and helps a lot.

If you have passed out of the 'ninth circle of hell' and into the first circle of letting go, which it appears you have, your life will reflect more peace of mind, that's been my experience of late. I hope that's true for you. The ICU experience is clearly extremely unacceptable behavior so I truly hope as you said, "this is it."

You've paid enough of a price for your son, as I have with my daughter, as many of us here have, it's time to let go of him and go have your life...................(((HUGS)))

[Nancy]

Welcome to all the new members on this thread. Please know that there are many of us dealing with your same situations. We have a forum on this board that deals with drug and alcohol addiction and would love to have you come and post your individual threads on the Substance Abuse forum. It is good for all of us to have the support of each other and to know we are not alone.

Nancy