Antisocial Personality Disorder Diagnosis of my 18 year old son

[asldogs]

Hello, I just joined this site and still learning how to navigate and find what I need. I am looking for other parents who have had to deal with oppositional/defiant behaviors. My son just turned 18 and had a psych eval with diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder. Ive been reading and talking to professionals, to learn this is a heartbreaking diagnosis for the parent.
He is fitting the profile and we have reach a threshold. I have asked him to move out and he is/will force it to the point of me needing to have him escorted out. He is not physically violent but is verbally abusive, so I dont have any fear for my own safety. Any advise or personal stories to offer?

single adoptive mom: asldogs

[Hound dog]

Welcome to the family asldogs

You've landed in the right place.

Since your son has had a psych eval, is he doing treatment of any kind? I'm wondering how you were able to get him to cooperate with that eval as so many in his age group refuse to cooperate. Good Job!

There have been many of our kids who have required to be escorted out of the nest. While it's not wonderful to go through, often it is necessary, especially if there is any sort of abuse (verbal or physical) going on. That you son has never been physical before is good........but there is always a first time, and sometimes verbal abuse can lead to it, not that verbal abuse can't be hard enough to put it with alone.

Best advice I can think of is for you to first and always remember you're now dealing with an adult, even if he's acting out like a 2 yr old complete with temper tantrums and the like. Since he's an adult your options are limited. You can't make him do a darn thing. You can, however, control what you will/won't put up with in both your life and in your own home. I suggest, if you haven't already done so, to sit down and write out the house rules for what seems fair for an adult living in your home. (not your child, view is as it would be any adult living in your home) Then match those up with consequences you are sure you can follow through and live with. And stick to your guns.

Next piece of advice: education, learn all you can about treatments, the diagnosis itself, ect. It will help you cope, help you to guide should he be open to it at some point, help you to know what to expect ect.

It helps us to offer suggestions ect if we have more info to go on, behavior background ect. And trust me.........you most likely aren't going to shock us, nor will we judge you.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

(((hugs)))

[Nancy]

Welcome. Another adoptive mom here dealing with a 19 year old who has been defiant since she learned how to talk. I'm curious when you first started noticing the defiant behaviors with your son and when you realized it was more than normal kid behavior. Also do you have nay background info on his birthparents?

Nancy

[elizabrary]

I have had to learn to deal with my daughter in a very business-like manner. Everything has to be exactly spelled out- here's what I will do for you, here's what I won't do for you, here's what you must do to get x(whatever it is she wants from me). It's hard because she is my daughter and I just want to relax and have fun with her, but it's impossible. Also, whenever she talks disrespectfully to me or tries to argue I cut her off. I literally hang up on her, walk away, whatever. That has worked well with her so it doesn't happen as frequently any more. She knows now that I just won't listen to it.

Welcome- you've found a great place!

[asldogs]

Thank you for your reply! It is helpful to read and hear support and understanding from other experienced parents.

Yes, my son has been in therapy ever since I adopted him 6 years ago. However, now that he is expected to go on his own, he has chosen to skip the appointments and go skate boarding or sit at home texting instead. I use to take him but I work an hour away now and he is old enough to get to his appointment on his own, but has blown them off. Today is the appointment to discuss how and where his options are to move out. He just sent me a text letting me know he is not going and he is not moving out.

I have given him the requirements to continue living with me. They were verbalized AND written down on notebook, still displayed daily on the kitchen table. 1) get a job or daily volunteer 2) talk to me with respect and consideration 3) join the summer swim team, something he said he wanted to do again 3) do his daily chore schedule without being told. I dont think that is alot to ask, but he has not accomplished any of the above in the last three weeks.

As an adopted son, he has always presented challenges but has always been able to work through them, learn from them and express remorse. About 6 months ago, I noticed a change. He has stolen from family friends (laptops, cigarettes, bluetooth, money) He has increased lies and withholding of truth. Verbal abuse, very mean hurtful cussing comments. leaves home without telling me where and with who. Refuses to communicate any of this, saying "I'm 18 now and I have a life." He just turned 18 May 9. He is not graduating from high school. Too many failed courses and has refused to make up any in two years. He had opportunity to use computer program to make up failed credits but never did, so now he will not graduate and does not have a diploma. I could go on and on... but the biggest most serious change I've noticed, is the lack of remorse. That is when I asked his therapist to do another eval. He had not had one since before I adopted him.

The diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder is a disturbing diagnosis. Not a good prognosis, because part of the profile is they dont think they need to change. they blame everyone else and think they are fine. Therefore, usually dont seek treatment or therapy. My son has begun to behave exactly like the profile. I have read and talked to professionals, trying to educate myself as much as possible. I think I know quite a bit about the diagnosis but what I dont feel confident about is how does a parent continue to love and support an adult child with this diagnosis? What is the best way to interact and communicate with him? Obviously, stay calm and emotionally detached... which I am able to do now. Actually, learning about his diagnosis has helped realize it is not me, I now am able to NOT take his behavior personally.

So... back to my original question... how does a parent prepare to "kick" out her son? He will push me to the point of needing to have him escorted out. I know it. He will not leave on his own. but I am determined! He will leave! I have reached my threshold! I can't continue to lock things up in my bedroom... I can't trust anything he says to me... etc. I told him he is my son and he will always be my son, but I can not tolerate living with him anymore unless he makes some major changes. Those changes are not happening and I predict they will not happen for another several years, IF ever.

asldogs

[CrazyinVA]

Welcome to the boards, this is a wonderful source of support.

I have to mention that your comment of his behavior changing abruptly 6 months ago set off red flags for me, especially since one of the new behaviors is stealing. Have you considered that it may be related to drug use/abuse? Has he been drug tested? That certainly could exacerbate already existing emotional and/or mental health issues. Of course, that doesn't change the fact that if he will not change his behavior, he can no longer live in your home. I hope you can get him out of there peacefully. I'm one whose child (Oldest) was escorted out with the police when they finally left. It was a very difficult time. If it is drugs, however, you might want to educate yourself in that area as well, and maybe get involved with Alanon or Naranon. Both are wonderful support organizations.

[elizabrary]

Give him a written "eviction" notice which tells him when he must be out by. Since you have already told him I would make it a short time- like 2 weeks. In the notice spell out exactly what you are prepared to do and STICK TO IT. Personally I would say you need to be out by x date. If you are not out by then I will call the police to escort you out. Your belongings will be held until x date then I will donate them to charity. Change the locks on the eviction date and if he tries to return you must call the police and charge him with trespassing. Be prepared for him to up the ante, which is very common with these kids. Once you actually stick to your word they get all kinds of crazy- screaming, threatening, trying to break in, calling over and over and over (my daughter has done this one a lot). They will also start playing sympathy card- telling you they have no place to go, are hungry, etc. When I have gone down this road with my daughter it is best for me to have no contact with her. I don't answer when she calls and I erase the messages without listening to them. This is a very stressful and difficult time to get through. Good luck and jump on here when you need to!

[CrazyinVA]

One additional comment re eviction: be sure you contact your local police department to check on the laws in your area. Here, you have to go through a formal eviction process with the court: file notice, have them served, give them 30 days to get out. The police unfortunately are not likely to escort him out unless it's a formal process. In my case, they escorted Oldest out only because she was violent towards me and she agreed to voluntarily leave instead of being charged after she resisted them and was tackled in my utility room and handcuffed :/ She didn't try to come back.

The good news is, that was 8 years ago. She's doing really well these days

[compassion]

Families anon is also an excellent resource. (TABW online) Some areas have f2f groups. Nami is also a good support. Compassion

[asldogs]

His birth mom was a addicted to alcohol and cocaine. His birth father is unknown. His birth mom has been in and out of rehab. Recently learned that she has been sober, but dont know for how long. At Christmas time, we took a trip back to maine (where we lived for 4 years and where I adopted him from). He stole two laptops from two different family friends. He had stolen from me in the past but never from anyone else, that I am aware of. It shocked everyone that knows him. I ve been trying to watch for any evidence of drugs but have not seen anything. I know there are pills and such nowadays that would not be blantantly obvious... I dont think he is involved in drugs... but is always possible. He has the "addiction gene". I suspect he is addicted to sex/porn/love/attention.... and sugar.