Well, I'll try not to make this too long. Some background: Daughter is going to be 39 tomorrow. She is married, has 3 children, two boys are out of the home and has a 9 yr. old daughter. Her Hubby is on SS disability with back issues on a morphine pump. She lives 1500 miles away from me. She was an awesome mom, house always kept up, and was so excited when she had the little girl she always dreamed of. Fast forward: about 6 yrs ago we started to notice she was having health issues (gall bladder,finally taken out, stomach issues, back and hip pain, etc.). Most things got taken care of except the hip/back pain. She began to take gabapentin (prescribed) and hydrocodone (prescribed?). Things escalated from there. About 4 yrs. ago I became concerned she was taking too many meds for her pain. When she came to visit she was having people search for hydrocodone, flexeral, or anything for pain because 'she ran out during the trip'. After going back home, she seemed to drop off the face of the earth. Wouldn't answer phone calls, no return letters, etc. Had their local police do a wellness check. Family was fine. She finally called but sounded very depressed, could barely understand her or recognize her voice. She kept crying and saying she was sorry over and over again. Her Hubby thought she just needed her mom (me) cause she missed everybody so much and was depressed. Her aunt went there last May 2011 to try and bring her here for awhile. Aunt said she was so off the wall crying/yelling that she didn't even know if she wanted to bring her back. She was quite unpredictable. Well, my daughter did follow her back with her oldest driving but we soon found out she was hooked on pain pills. When the family here confronted her about it, she left.
This past January I got a phone call from her hubby and son that she was dwindling away. They swore she was off the pills but that she was so depressed that she was down to 88 lbs. My son and I traveled the 1500 miles to see if we could convince her to go get help. She was very stubborn. In the state she lives in, you can't force a person to get physical/mental health services. We tried. A lot of what she is feeling mentally doesn't make sense to us but does to her. All I know is that we did keep contact for awhile after our trip there and then communication began to fall off again. I finally got in touch with her step-daughter and found out that her husband left with their 9 yr. old about a month ago and is staying with friends. My daughter is staying alone in the trailer they're renting. He is trying to get her to go into the medical center there but she refuses. She was apparently told by hubby that if she goes in to get help, he'll come back to help her but can't stand to see what she's doing to herself. Honestly I'm glad he got my granddaughter out of there. Is she still on pain meds without them knowing? Not sure. Is she off but so depressed/irrational she isn't making rational decisions? I don't know. I know she gets my texts because step-daughter said she has the phone but won't talk to anyone except her hubby. All texts I've sent so far are just asking how's she doing, Happy 4th of July, etc. short small talk.
Here's my question: I want to get on her about being so selfish and not getting help that it's ripping her family apart. She has this gorgeous daughter that needs her mom. However, I also want to be the sympathetic mom and tell her I'm here if she ever wants to talk, tell her how much she's loved, etc. I know my daughter and I can't do both........tried when I was there in January. If you don't agree with her point of view or whatever, she doesn't want to talk about it. So, should I just try to text her and keep it simple and keep telling her I love her.....or.....should I slam her about being a PITA? At some point she has to make the final decision to get help or die from being so stubborn. I can't stand to see her this way and don't want to lose her.......and I feel so sorry for my granddaughter who's not getting mommy love. Please, any and all suggestions welcome about how I should approach contact with her. I don't want to make things worse but doing nothing isn't helping either. Thanks for listening.