Daughter in Depression?

[grmac]

Well, I'll try not to make this too long. Some background: Daughter is going to be 39 tomorrow. She is married, has 3 children, two boys are out of the home and has a 9 yr. old daughter. Her Hubby is on SS disability with back issues on a morphine pump. She lives 1500 miles away from me. She was an awesome mom, house always kept up, and was so excited when she had the little girl she always dreamed of. Fast forward: about 6 yrs ago we started to notice she was having health issues (gall bladder,finally taken out, stomach issues, back and hip pain, etc.). Most things got taken care of except the hip/back pain. She began to take gabapentin (prescribed) and hydrocodone (prescribed?). Things escalated from there. About 4 yrs. ago I became concerned she was taking too many meds for her pain. When she came to visit she was having people search for hydrocodone, flexeral, or anything for pain because 'she ran out during the trip'. After going back home, she seemed to drop off the face of the earth. Wouldn't answer phone calls, no return letters, etc. Had their local police do a wellness check. Family was fine. She finally called but sounded very depressed, could barely understand her or recognize her voice. She kept crying and saying she was sorry over and over again. Her Hubby thought she just needed her mom (me) cause she missed everybody so much and was depressed. Her aunt went there last May 2011 to try and bring her here for awhile. Aunt said she was so off the wall crying/yelling that she didn't even know if she wanted to bring her back. She was quite unpredictable. Well, my daughter did follow her back with her oldest driving but we soon found out she was hooked on pain pills. When the family here confronted her about it, she left.

This past January I got a phone call from her hubby and son that she was dwindling away. They swore she was off the pills but that she was so depressed that she was down to 88 lbs. My son and I traveled the 1500 miles to see if we could convince her to go get help. She was very stubborn. In the state she lives in, you can't force a person to get physical/mental health services. We tried. A lot of what she is feeling mentally doesn't make sense to us but does to her. All I know is that we did keep contact for awhile after our trip there and then communication began to fall off again. I finally got in touch with her step-daughter and found out that her husband left with their 9 yr. old about a month ago and is staying with friends. My daughter is staying alone in the trailer they're renting. He is trying to get her to go into the medical center there but she refuses. She was apparently told by hubby that if she goes in to get help, he'll come back to help her but can't stand to see what she's doing to herself. Honestly I'm glad he got my granddaughter out of there. Is she still on pain meds without them knowing? Not sure. Is she off but so depressed/irrational she isn't making rational decisions? I don't know. I know she gets my texts because step-daughter said she has the phone but won't talk to anyone except her hubby. All texts I've sent so far are just asking how's she doing, Happy 4th of July, etc. short small talk.

Here's my question: I want to get on her about being so selfish and not getting help that it's ripping her family apart. She has this gorgeous daughter that needs her mom. However, I also want to be the sympathetic mom and tell her I'm here if she ever wants to talk, tell her how much she's loved, etc. I know my daughter and I can't do both........tried when I was there in January. If you don't agree with her point of view or whatever, she doesn't want to talk about it. So, should I just try to text her and keep it simple and keep telling her I love her.....or.....should I slam her about being a PITA? At some point she has to make the final decision to get help or die from being so stubborn. I can't stand to see her this way and don't want to lose her.......and I feel so sorry for my granddaughter who's not getting mommy love. Please, any and all suggestions welcome about how I should approach contact with her. I don't want to make things worse but doing nothing isn't helping either. Thanks for listening.

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[Dammit Janet]

Hi, Sorry it took me a bit to see your post! I havent been on the board right now because I have been sick but I happened to log on just now and got your PM and came over.

So sorry about your dtr! In a way she sounds a whole lot like me right now...chronic pain, stomach issues, ugh. Im also on narcotics and a form of gabapentin! LOL. Im not 88 pounds though. I have a ways to go to get there, though if I they dont figure this stomach issue out, I may get there...lmao.

I dont know what to tell you to do, it is very hard to watch grown adults wash away. Im sure others will jump in here. Hugs to you.

[recoveringenabler]

Geez, what a sad story, I am so sorry to hear this. It's so hard to be in your shoes, I have some understanding of what you're going through, but I have no real advice. It's not clear if this is abuse of drugs, depression or some kind of onset of mental illness. And she is an adult, unfortunately she gets to decide. Is it possible to do an intervention? Perhaps if the whole family were to confront her with some direction, she might begin to see the impact on the family. Aren't there professionals who do interventions? I am not well versed in this, but perhaps others will be along who can guide you.

This is so tough on our mother's hearts, I do know. I send you prayers and gentle hugs and hope that your daughter finds her way.

[Calamity Jane]

Grmac,
I'm sorry for your pain. It's so rough to know how to help...if you confront her or tell her she's selfish, she will clam up. If her husband left her and she didn't get help, no harsh words at this point will likely spur her to action.
She is so sick right now, and I agree with RE that an entire family intervention may be your best hope. There are private interventionists in your area that you can contact to help you through this process, but there is no guarantee that even if you all pulled this off, that your dau. would get help. You can try, however. I really hope for a good outcome for your daughter and her whole family. It is terribly sad when something like this happens.

[MidwestMom]

Maybe the best thing to do is to just say you're there for her. I doubt she is in the mood for a lecture and probably would just like knowing you still love and support her. Being 39, there is nothing you can do to force her to do anything. It has to come from her.

Hugs!!!!

[grmac]

Oh Janet I'm so sorry that you are having health issues. It can be so frustrating. I hope they will find out what's wrong soon so you will feel better. Also, I'm not against anyone taking pain meds for their pain. It's just that she was taking way more than what was prescribed and listening to her I could tell she was 'doctor shopping' and sending others to find her more (from friends, neighbors, etc.). I believe she was truly in pain but when she became immune, she took more and more and then got hooked. RE and CJ, we did try to intervene last year with the family and show our concern. Her denial then led her to bolt out of the house with her oldest son and left back to her state. It was heartbreaking. This past January when I went there she admitted she had a problem and quit the meds. She does still take gabapentin (but so do I Janet! for sciatica) but she and family said she is off the hydrocodone. Sometimes I think she took whatever she could get her hands on (oxy, morphine, etc.) to ease the pain and it has affected her brain. She almost seems bipolar now. That's one reason her hubby got out of there with the daughter and is hoping she'll get help. I don't know, this is so hard. I did send her a text this morning wishing her happy birthday and that I love her dearly. I also reminded her that I'm here to listen. She won't call or text though. She hasn't yet. I'm afraid she has gotten herself into such a slump she doesn't know how to get out. She may also be afraid that she has a mental illness and doesn't want to admit it. Thank you all for responding and listening to me.

[CrazyinVA]

It really sounds to me like she is still struggling with the affects of addiction. I know for my Oldest, pain meds made depression worse. She definitely needs some help, but as you know, she has to be the one to seek it. It's very difficult for you to do much from so far away, and that must be incredibly frustrating. For now, I'd suggest educating yourself as much as you can about addiction, and perhaps attending some Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings, to get some support.

I will say that in my experience, lecturing an addict about what they're doing to themselves and to their family usually backfires. It tends to give them another reason to drink/take pills and in this case, may just make her more depressed. I think giving her love and support is key right now, but doing so with firm boundaries in place. Perhaps you could offer to help her find some help for herself, when she's ready.

[Dammit Janet]

I can tell you for me...at my age...one of my biggest fears because I have disorders that cause chronic pain PLUS I have bipolar I have always been extremely worried about the pain meds. I have always wanted to be on the lowest possible doses because I figure I may be around awhile. I have been able to go on and off the pain meds (and other so called addictive meds like benzos) without any difficulty before so I dont think I am addicted. I havent attempted to knockoff any old ladies lately..lol. I always worry about addiction. In my opinion though, if someone is actually taking meds as prescribed and working on their disorders with their doctors, then they may end up dependent but not addicted. There is a difference. Im also dependent on my thyroid medicine. And on air.

I hope you can get some help for your daughter.

[grmac]

Well, I called my daughter on her birthday, no answer. I left a message. I also texted her a happy birthday message. No response. I text her almost every day or other day but never get a response. My texts are simple like "Hey, how are are doing? Would love to hear from you! Love, Mom". Nothing. It's driving me crazy but I know there's nothing I can do about it. It's exhausting. I'm so tired of worrying about her. I wish I could just let go and let God. I haven't found the secret how to do that yet but I am working on it. I'm so mad at her but don't want to voice it to her. Today's text was and inspirational one. I know she reads them because when we were there in January, she said she read everything I sent her before. Grrrrrrr. I'm so worried about her. Sorry, just needed to vent.

[upallnight]

(((HUGS))) Does your daughter still weigh 88 pounds? It is hard think clearly when you are at such a low weight. She doesn't realize it. Add that with drug use and it's worse. Her husband can commit her against her will at that weight. I know this for a fact. I was that low weight myself and the dr. (eating disorder specialist) told my husband to commit me. I commited myself though. Anyway, she can get better, she needs help. She needs a dr. I hope she can get it soon. It's good that your grandaughter is not there. It's a sad situation, contact her husband, he can have her commited.