Decision made about GFG

[animal lover]

My DH and I had a long talk about our gfg and we have decided that we are writing him out of our will.
He will get absoloutely nothing from us. Just what he gave us. My DH talked about going to see him in the fall.
I told him I didn't feel like getting hurt again I felt like crying, but thats about how I feel. He realy don't want us
there any way. So what's the point. It's just too far to go and I am realy tired of the whole thing. have not heard
from my grandaughter neither. It son't surprise me. there are no holidays or b'days so I guess I won't be hearing from
her either.
Do you ever get the feeling that you are bothering someone. I asked my grandaughter one time. How come I have not
heard from you. She replied I have been too busy. She's not to busy to e-mail me to remind me of her b'day or christmas.

Yeah, I totaly have had it. Thanks for listening.

Nanners (ANIMAL LOVER)

[Hound dog]

((hugs)) Nanners

I'm going to tell you something. Maybe, just maybe, son and granddaughter have been so "spoiled" by your attention to detail and generosity........that they need some time to miss you......some time to learn to appreciate the loving caring person that you are.

I wonder, at least in part, if that is not what is going on, they're just so used to you always being there they just expect it to be so.

I know it hurts, but I'd work on not taking it quite so personally. Instead, how about doing something nice for yourself or you and dh for a change? How about looking into something that has interested you for a while and doing it?

One of the hardest things about "parenting" adult children is that we have to learn along the way to shift our focus off of them and back onto ourselves. This is the period where you and dh are supposed to be enjoying yourselves and being a bit carefree, if you know what I mean.

So I wouldn't totally give up on them just yet.

Learning to detach is a process, it takes some time to get the hang of it.

[SuZir]

So sorry you are hurting.

It is really difficult, when you have to consider severing the bond between parent and child. However dysfunctional it is and however wise it may be to do so, it till hurts. I haven't luckily been in that situation with my child, but it has been tough even when person I have been thinking of cutting out of my life is my father. My relationship with him is very dysfunctional and hurtful and while I have never cut him totally out of my life, I have limited his role in my and especially in my kids life to very small. But it really is difficult to do so.

I'm also sorry you are hurt by your granddaughters thoughtlessness. But please don't think that it is in anyway your fault. She is in very self-centred age and still young enough to need a lot of parenting on social niceties. You told her mother is not big on them either and it is likely she is not really teaching her daughter better. And believe me, teens often need a lot of parenting to get these things right. I have been very consistently teaching my kids to thank from presents and cards, to remember to keep in touch with relatives, to remember other people on special days from very early on. My PC is just about to turn 16 and still he needs a lot of nagging to do all that. It's not that he would be ungrateful or mean, he just doesn't really get and remember the importance of these matters. GFG has been on his own over a year and I only seldom remind him of these things, but it seems he is finally getting a gist of it. He has surprised me pleasantly several times lately over this. So I certainly still have hope with my PC.

I'm not saying you should shower her with gifts when she is not showing any appreciation but do not write her of in this regard yet. She may still get it little later on.

[Signorina]

wOw

That's actually the one thing I didn't do...

we severed most ties and all financial obligations...

but should we drop dead tomorrow; gfg will be treated the same as his brothers...

Caveat being that it will be held in a testamentary trust and nothing will be distributed until youngest PC is 25. I should add that when GFG was still a PC and age 18, we made him the guardian of the pcs. At that moment, I was 100 % confident in our choice. How the mighty have fallen! We ended up revising our 1-year old will in March of this year, and I felt a great deal of relief afterwards.

At this point, gfg is treated like his brothers. I did not want my very last communication to him (which would be probate, long after death) to be anything less than unconditional love. IDK if we did the right thing...but I figure we will be dead so it won't matter. LOL

[dashcat]

I don't have much but, to gfg it would be a fortune. I just redid my will (hadn't updated it since the divorce). Everything is in a trust that she cannot get to, except for funds for school or medical expenses, until she is 30. Myy nephew is trustee and would have to approve any disbursements. He is bulletproof. She won't be fooling him into any bogus payments.

She's an only, but I think I would have kept her in if here were sibs and they would all have to abide by the age 30 thing.

Dash

[buddy]

Not sure what the history is but it is clear you are hurting and for that I am truly sorry. Is grand-daughter just doing what dad taught her to do? You deserve better but it seems they do not have it to give. Are you planning to tell them about it? If that is why you are doing this, I imagine it would only make things worse, or if they did turn things around, you would always wonder if they did it for the money. I'd probably not say anything. I'd maybe too wait for a month to make sure this is the step you really want to take. (I have periods when I am more upset and need to give things a chance to be thought through)... If you feel it is the step you are ready for then that is your right. (OK, I admit a little immature part of me thought to make a donation to an orphanage or in your case a pet rescue place or zoo in their names might be a choice.)

HUGS to you, sorry they are not treating you well. I think Hounds ideas are really smart, you will still grieve and be sad about this loss and change, but focus on yourself. Glad you were able to share.

[animal lover]

Hi buddy,

Thank you for your response. We have been talking about changing our will for the past year. I guess we were hoping things would change.
But it didn't happen. His daughter, he does not communicate with. He said he tried, but my grandaughters mother puts a damper on it
every time he does and frankly i don't know if he is telling the truth. Like I said in my first thread I don't know who to believe. I do
believe his ex and her mother put my son down. How much I don't know, cause he don't communicate any thing. I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening

Animal Lover

[animal lover]

Fortunately my gfg is an only child. So there are realy no concerns in that matter.
We just feel he does not deserve it. He has stolen from us many times and treats us very badly.
What we are talking about doing is setting up a trust for those in the family deserve it.

He does not care and he and his girl friend are always talking about what they are going to inherit after her parents die.
It realy made me sick when she said that. Won't she be surprised if she gets nothing. thanks for listening

Animal lover

[buddy]

Fortunately my gfg is an only child. So there are realy no concerns in that matter.
We just feel he does not deserve it. He has stolen from us many times and treats us very badly.
What we are talking about doing is setting up a trust for those in the family deserve it.

He does not care and he and his girl friend are always talking about what they are going to inherit after her parents die.
It realy made me sick when she said that. Won't she be surprised if she gets nothing. thanks for listening

Animal lover

That sways me a little, I can't really put myself in your shoes, but if I try, I'd probably feel the same. I would not want give him money to play with after disrespecting you so much. But I understand what others are saying, that this is a huge step and in the end how it affects you is important. Kind of like how we are told to forgive others for our own well being, not to let them off the hook. I have to look up your other post, I am so sorry I have forgotten the history, but I can't remember if he has any dx or reason for not being able to do better. One idea could be to put money in trust for his retirement...at 68 or something. Not trying to convince you to do otherwise for his sake, just thinking of how I want to leave this world. With no issues hanging over me. I'd not want to leave with revenge in my heart. But the pain my son causes, is due to severe disabilities, so I have a different perspective. But for you, this may be what brings peace. I am certainly not judging because I have not had your son abuse me like he has abused you. Sounds like he has already received his inheritance in advance anyway. I do think it is lovely you are planning to help family members who need it. And if by some miracle your gfg grows up and regrets his actions, well a will can be changed until it is needed.

It sure does sound like gfg's girl friend is similar..peas in a pod. Too bad.

I'm sorry for your hurting heart. I am glad you can come here to talk about it, many here have walked in your shoes and will understand that level of hurt. HUGS to you warrior mom. I wish you peace and much brighter days. Now use that money to do something wonderful for yourself and to have some great times with dh!

[InsaneCdn]

I've seen all sorts of creative things done with trusts, that don't put the money in their control but still allows for caring for needs... like:
- set up a trust to fund long-term care if disabled before age 60... and if he or GD don't need it, it rolls over to funding some related charitable cause?
- Set up an education trust that funds scholarships in areas GD might study in. She can apply like everybody else... but there is "something" there?

You have time to research options... and time to get creative.