My husband and I adopted 6 children, all of whom are now grown with families of their own. We have great relationships with some of them, but others have hurt us terribly by their cruel comments and unkind actions.
1) Our oldest son, who divorced his wife and now lives with his girlfriend, is upset that I have remained close to his ex-wife. She has custody of their three children, and I have always been very close to them. Even though this son hurt his ex-wife terribly (both emotionally and physically), she is a wonderful woman who allows me to see the children often, which I very much appreciate. This son has always blamed others for his poor decisions and recently, when I encouraged him to get a job to provide for his children, screamed profanity at me and told me that he's sorry I'm still alive. He has cut off all contact.
2) One of our daughters, who is married and has a beautiful baby girl, became increasingly distant over this past year and finally just stopped interacting with us completely, including not allowing us to see her child. She refuses to answer our phone calls and emails, and will not answer the door when we try to visit. She has given no explanation, other than to state that she has had issues with us since before her marriage and that it won't do any good to talk about it because nothing will ever change. This daughter had a rough life before coming into our family at age 2-1/2; she started life in a foreign orphanage, was adopted by a family who decided not to keep her, and lived in approximately 6 homes before we adopted her. Understandably, she has significant attachment disorder (for which she has adamantly refused therapy), and has been manipulative and angry her whole life. Regularly throughout her teen years, we had to deal with her explosive rage and cruel comments. In between those bouts of anger, she was actually somewhat pleasant to be around, until the next melt down. Interestingly, she didn't bother to cut us off until after we had paid for her expensive Hawaiian wedding and expensive baby crib. My last conversation with her was over a month ago, when I dropped by her home to see if we could somehow resolve this. She screamed at me to get out of her house and to leave her alone. Even though I suspected she would eventually do this, I am devastated.
I feel like my heart is breaking. We raised these children as our own and, in spite of their emotional and psychological problems, have always felt it important to make sure each one knows that we love them unconditionally. However, these two children have been so disrespectful and cruel for so many years, I don't have any reserves left to deal with them. Does anyone out there have any good ideas about how to deal with this in a healthy manner? We would appreciate your input.