If you've ever 'sent your child away' ...

[busywend]

Well, I sent mine to her father's house. Much different. But, I still felt the pain of changing up her life so much. I do not feel guilty for it. But, I sure wish it was not necessary to have to do something like that.

I feel worse about the fact that I did not get the 'good' parenting experience that I know exists with a PC. Don't get me wrong. I love my GFG to pieces and we get along much better these days, but I will always wonder what it would be like to have a child that was like me as a child. I was a PC. I am grateful for not having put another child through what a lot of you have to with siblings, but I still would have loved to have gotten the PC parenting experience. I am too fearful of getting another GFG to try.

Feeling guilty is very unproductive. Your GFG might not even be alive if you had not sent her away. You will never know what might have been. If things are improved, than try to be grateful for that.

[Star*]

GG,

I had overwhelming guilt. My son has been in numerous psych hospitals, RTC's, hospitals, group homes, DJJ, and now lives 21/2 hours away from me so he can learn some independent living skills to move on into his own place someday.

Most of my guilt was due to the fact that while I put up a good front my psyche said "You didn't do a good job protecting him from his father." This in turn lead me to believe that every time GFG acted out? It was a direct result of something that I did or didn't do and I excused those behaviors constantly. Oh and get this one, when I finally came to grips with the fact that I excused his behaviors I had guilt over THAT because I was supposed to know better and not let him get away with those things so THAT was my fault too."

I've had to come a long way from the place in my mind that my evil x put me. I had to fix ME first before I could begin to tell GFG how to do anything so before I made myself feel guilty over that too? I got into counseling. Today I'm a much better person and parent. Once I got a better ME under my belt the rest of the problems either were diminished because I could SEE how my perceptions and choices were clouded in a mist of manipulative behaviors and control issues of my x. I had other unresolved issues I didn't even know about that caused me to choose and marry whom I did. I had unresolved issues that caused me to stay in the marriage - that and him being so abusive and controlling.

See your mind changes due to the environment it's in the most. Some people think that it's normal or okay to do the things they do to others because of the grand excuse "I was raised that way." And refuse to believe that Mom or Dad may have been wrong. So some people grow up with abnormal thinking & problem solving capabilities and when we play the motion picture in our head of what we THINK life should look like, and fall short? We blame ourselves. We didn't "live up to" or "fell short of". When in reality we did what we did or we wouldn't have done it we would have done something different. So first rule of therapy for me was eliminating the word SHOULD. As in I should have. VERY liberating.

I've worked through the guilt and still there are moments when I'm in a store and I see a shirt or a favorite candy of GFG's and I pick it up thinking maybe for Christmas and then put it back down because that is enabling and it makes ME feel guilty about my decisions to let him go.

I know what you're feeling. From time to time it's okay to miss them, and even feel sadness over the loss of a dream. The best thing any of us can do from that point on is to find new dreams that are healthy and productive for us. My GFG will find his own way. It's what he really wanted. And it beats the yelling and carrying on - heck sometimes he just calls to hear my voice now. THAT makes me feel good. And knowing I did what I could to help him reach his goals despite the past? That makes me feel good too.

Get yourself happy - it will make you feel healthier.

Hugs
Star

[slsh]

Ty left in 6/2000. He came home to live twice, 3 months each time, once in 2003 and then again in 2004. He was 9 when he left. It's probably 50/50 that he'll ever live here again.

I have to say, I don't think dh and I have ever struggled with the choices we've made, at least not after the fact. The initial decision to place him in RTC was by far the hardest parenting decision we've ever had to make, and the second and third times really were not a whole lot easier, but once the decision was made? It was made.

Ty was extremely unsafe at home. Dh and I really stretched our parenting skills and resourcefulness beyond all expectations, trying to keep him home. There was simply no other option left to us. It was not our failure as his parents and it was not abandonment. It was protecting our other kids and hopefully giving Ty the very best shot at possibly becoming an independent adult. Jury's still out on that one.

Certainly there has been a huge sense of loss over the years for various reasons. The Halloweens and birthdays and Christmas' and Thanksgivings spent in RTC. The fact that my child didn't grow up before my eyes, that he and I missed so *many* good night kisses and good morning hugs, that really dh and I missed almost half his life. The thought of what will he tell his kids about his "childhood", because he really didn't have much of one. Absolutely there's an ache and a wound there. But also.... we had no choice. I have no doubt that Ty's situation would be much *much* worse if we had somehow tried to maintain him at home, because he simply isn't/wasn't manageable here.

We made the best possible decision we could, trying to weigh the needs of the entire family. We haven't always been spot on (RTC #2 was a snake pit, which we obviously didn't know at the time) but we have always tried our very best to make thoughtful choices for Ty.

We have a pretty good relationship with Ty. Always have, really, aside from the usual gfg blow ups about how he didn't need to be in RTC and his half-hearted attempts to lash out at us from time to time. We see him a couple of times a month, and the door is open for him to return home if/when he proves he can function for an extended period of time in his current lesser restrictive placement. I want more than anything for him to be safe and happy.

I think probably the one thing that I do have guilt/regret/hurt over is the fact that to this day, I cannot bring myself to fully trust him to be safe, to make good choices. It's nowhere near as bad as it used to be, that expectation that he is going to explode into another violent rage at any given moment, but I do have to admit that if he *were* to blow up, it wouldn't come as any great surprise.

[Star*]

Sue,

THAT was truly spoken from the heart. - Nice to know someone else feels like I do. And you're right....about missing the growing up before your eyes. GFG is my only child so it's the poor dog that gets dressed up at Halloween. I think he does it to humor me.

Thanks for your keen insight. As always.

[tracy551]

My guilt too was too much for me at times. GFG is in his 2nd placement. I think about him when he was little and how sweet and loving he was and I think how could I do this to him, he's my baby. But then I think of how My Baby has treated me and his brothers over the years. Even despite all that some guilt is still there.
I think for me it's the guilt of feeling I could have done more to keep him from ending up like he has. i don't know.
He comes home next month and the stress of not knowing how things will be is over whelming at times. Being in these places has changed him alot but I'm not sure if it's for the good. He talks, how should I say it, more "street" Like he's been raised in a big city and has lived on the streets with drug dealers and thugs.
I told him when he comes home to leave the "thug" at the door because that's not gonna fly in this house. We'll see how it goes.

[Fran]

GG, I guess that if we all had one idea of what a good mother looks like I may feel some guilt but despite my grief at my son's downward spiral I did what was required. I made the best choice I could considering the options.
When gfg needed drs. he got them. When he needed meds, he got them, when he needed us, we were there. When he needed more than we could give, we got him help. It was painful but it stopped his spiral. Even if it didn't work, it was a choice that was made with the best intention.

I'll never be mistaken for a madonna like mother but I did what was needed to help my son have a chance at a life. It doesn't look like a Norman Rockwell but it was love and the intent was not to punish but to save them from themselves.

I'm not sure the source of your wound. Is it that you don't see your daughter as achieving and success as reason enough to heal the wound?
So by some standard we may not appear like a good mother but we did what our children needed.

[Sondar]

We had a couple of placements, both times court-ordered and frankly just in time. RTF kept him safe. Of course I wish things had been different, but he was crazy out of control, delinquent to the hilt. We always did pretty much what the experts advised us to do, and I have no regrets.

But I am still looking for results like you have GG. He has little insight into his own behaviors and so hasn't made an observation about those days yet.

Tracey, I hear you about the attitude. Let's hope it's a posture they wear to survive in a jail cell. Ugh.

[Martie]

GG,

I think I understand what you are saying...but for me, the sheer terror of impending suicide outweighed everything (except finding the RIGHT placement because I knew the wrong would would make things worse.) I do not feel guilty but I recognize he was gone for 14 months, not a major portion of his childhood.

I have to live with ex-gfg saying he would have "grown up and outgrown his problems" without EGBS, and that I "overreacted." I thank his 20 year old self for his 20-20 hindsight (I should enjoy this year, I won't be able to say that next year or ever again.) I do not agree with him at all. If you are happy with your daughter's life and your relationship, then I am sure you did the right thing.

EGBS was the single best decision I ever made as a parent. I had tried to do ANYTHING necessary to help a very unusual little boy fit in and get along....EGBS did what neither his father nor I could do--Fran said it well...it stopped the downward spiral and I believe that no amount of community based Tx would have achieved the same result.

I have one thing to add: ex-gfg made very good use of the therapeutic opportunities that EGBS provided and it was a good place to trial meds and R/O bipolar. I think that he did grow up and has outgrown many of his problems: He remains irritable but now that he is an adult, it is called "artistic temperament" which although not a disability, can be a pain to live with--the operative word here is "live." Without an out of home placement, I am not at all sure he would be alive, and that's what counts.


Martie

[witzend]

Have you talked to a therapist about this? I wonder if maybe rather than guilt you feel loss of your place as a parent? You needed help, but don't we all? We send our children to school, to the doctor, to sports coaches. We can't do it all. You needed help that some people don't need, to be sure. But you also succeeded. That's what good parents do.

I hope that you will realize that your guilt is misplaced. Talk to someone about it if you need to, because you and your daughter deserve to be happy. Both of you.

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[hearthope]

GG ~ I struggled with guilt to the point I became 'numb'.

I had searched for help with my son's coaches and our church pastor. It made me lose something inside from the very beginning just sharing with them that I couldn't stop my son's behavior on my own.

When it progressed to the point of me calling the police and having him arrested I thought I was going to die. I could not handle the fact that I made the call.

Thru the yrs I made many decisions for placements (hospital,grouphome,jail) Each time I was left second guessing myself. But I believe every mother second guesses her child rearing decisions. You have such a responsibility and you only want what is best and regardless of the child and the outcome I think everyone wonders if the right decisions were made.

I believe it is a process we all have to endure to come to terms with our families. Each of us works thru it in different ways and at our own pace.

I know I can see a small child and think of my son at that age and how I never dreamed he would be in jail today.

Looking back, I had lots of guilt but, I had much more heartache from watching my son destroy his future and regardless of what I did he still continued downward.

Today is much better. I can let go of the guilt and know that I did everything I could to help him. Every decision was not the right decision but, every decision was made out of love to save my son.

I hope you find peace with this. I can only say that prayer and this board has allowed me to come to terms with how my family unit is now.



(((((hugs)))))


Traci