J updafe...not good

**Sue C** · 01-12-2007 09:24 AM

Hi Abbey,

I know your dh is always so hopeful about J, while you take a realistic approach. I'm sorry it's one more disappointment for the both of you.

Love,
Sue

**antsmom** · 01-12-2007 10:08 AM

Your Dh loves J and has not given up hope, hence his disappointment in J. you have detached succesfully other than how DH's behavior affects you.

so, when J got out all he could think about was getting drunk. he did now and will face the music. each time he learns from his actions. like your DH I do not give up on J.

if his PO finds out he was drunk it may cause havoc for J.
meanwhile J is not the first to get out of jail and get drunk. the spirit is willing but the body is weak.

**ScentofCedar** · 01-12-2007 01:26 PM

J did what he did. He knew the consequences. It cannot be undone, now.

A homeless shelter is exactly where he should be right now.

If he is forced to it, maybe he will stand up.

If it were me in your shoes right now, I would be reviewing all the reasons why GFG will be better off in the future if he suffers the consequences of his actions now.

Is he going to ask to come home?

What do you need to be doing now to prepare yourself, if it becomes necessary to turn him away?

Or worse yet, if he needs to come home?

It gets to be all about survival, doesn't it Abbey.

Our own survival.

And it's darn tough on our marriages, too.

Sending strength, Abbey.

Barbara

**Abbey** · 01-12-2007 02:12 PM

He has not asked to come home...yet. I think he knows what the answer will be. And, if DH buckles and lets him, I hope they have a nice time in their own apartment. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] Seriously.

He has stayed in homeless shelters MANY times in the past. They don't really phase him. He stays there long enough to hook up with his loser friends then goes underground for a year or two...then gets caught and winds up in prison again. That's the circle of life for J, sad to say.

Abbey

**ScentofCedar** · 01-13-2007 02:41 AM

I'm sorry this is happening to you and your family, Abbey.

Maybe this time will be different.

Maybe.

Barbara

**Estherfromjerusalem** · 01-13-2007 10:34 AM

Abbey, I've been following J's story for so many years, I feel like family, and I'm so sorry about what's happening with him. I think you've done an amazing job in detaching as much as you have; however, there is a limit and they remain our children. I feel for your DH -- it is so hard when hopes are raised, and then dashed. That's the story of our lives with our GFGs, we are disappointed, and then we raise our hopes, and are disappointed again, and so the circle goes on round and round.

On a smaller and much less dramatic level, we have this with our GFG. Every time we think we are making progress, he reverts to his crappy behavior again. He's still at home, but a day doesn't go past when I don't wish he was out of the home, and out of my life. Every day on a small level I give him another chance, and yet another chance. Sometimes I feel I am being destroyed.

So, I just want to send you my love, and a good strong hug. You are not alone, and I send you strength and good wishes.

Love, Esther

**Abbey** · 01-14-2007 01:23 PM

Esther,

Your post made me cry. I WISH so much I could give him a chance, but every bone in my body says NO. I guess I'm too stubborn. I just don't get it. It's the only life he knows, and is not willing to go beyond that life. I don't think enabling him will help. I could be wrong.

Thanks for your reply.

Abbey

**Hound dog** · 01-14-2007 04:01 PM

Abbey

((((((hugs))))))) It hurts, even when it becomes predictable.

**Estherfromjerusalem** · 01-14-2007 04:24 PM

Abbey, first of all, I apologise, I didn't mean to make you cry.

I think what you are doing is absolutely the right thing for you. It is your way of protecting yourself and giving yourself a chance to get on with living your life, together with your DH and your children. Each and every one of us here has to somehow find the way to live their lives. It is so hard, so hard. I don't think that anyone who hasn't got a GFG can come anywhere near to understanding how hard it is to keep our sanity, to live a normal life.

It's interesting how all our GFGs somehow have to learn the hard way, to take the most difficult path, to make their own lives so tough.

I wish I could detach. I can't. My circumstances just won't let me at the moment. So, he's living at home, and I keep out of his way as much as I can. My teeth are constantly on edge, and I pray my nerves will last out until he finally leaves home. I am at the opposite end of the path where you are, and sometimes I wish him at the other side of the world.

I'm thinking about you, and wishing you well. You have been constantly in my thoughts the last few days.

Love, Esther

**SunnyFlorida** · 01-15-2007 01:29 PM

It is so devastating and frustrating when the one thing you count on "hope" keeps being destroyed.

J is very stubborn. He's still got the "they can't tell me what to do" act going on. I'm really surprised too as he has been told what to do many, many times before. His spirit just won't bend. I betcha he thinks if he gives in then he's done for.

I understand completely as gfg1 is pretty hard-headed.

Sending some gentle {{{sunny hugs}}} for you and for hope.