My Daughter is a Prostitute

[Bean]

I just had to say it. Sort of out loud. To someone other than my husband and my mother.
She's posting ads on Craigslist and the like.
She drinks, she smokes weed. She lies. She does weird things that make me wonder if she's psychotic.

Most of all, she breaks my heart.

I enjoy life, for the most part. But I don't live it the way (I think) I should be. I can't lose weight or take care of myself. I indulge too much (sweets, food, alcohol). My marriage suffers.

The REAL important things I have.

The others (money, support, mental health)... I don't.

I feel like I'm going along, coping as good as possible - and then BAM. Something hits with her.

My parents continue to enable her. They pay her rent even though I've pleaded to them within an inch of ruining our relationship to please stop. I swear I could tell my mother I was going to get divorced, dive into a bottle of alcohol and kill myself, and she'd still enable my kid. She claims ignorance and being "swindled" by her, but I really don't know. I can't even go into all of the nooks and crannies of our relationship woes, but their willingness to continue to enable her bring on some suspicions from myself and my husband. That doesn't help.

Sometimes, like 10% of the time, this is all too much for me. There are a million things for me to do (bills, work, put food on the table, try to live a normal life, comb my hair, fit in my clothes, support my family...) and in the middle of it I have a daughter who is selling herself sexually for money.

Some stuff is just to hard to unthink.

But, hey, if you're reading this and are suffering through the same thing - I just wanted you to know you are NOT ALONE. I'm suffering too. Quietly. I have no friends I can talk to. They all have their own problems and apparently I'm too good of a listener for anyone to even ask me how I really am. But honestly, where does a conversation go after you tell someone your kid is a user, abuser, lier and deceiver and oh - she's also probably given a massage with a happy ending to one of their friends?

I pray. That's all I can do.

[dashcat]

Bean,
You're not alone either. Sending hugs and understanding.
Dash

[Marcie Mac]

Am sorry Bean- I know how heartbreaking the whole thing must be. Its difficult to acknowledge there isn't a dang thing you can do to help your daughter nor to get your parents to knock off the enabeling and most difficult of all how to get your mind OFF the problems and move on with your life and enjoy it.

I am not religious but firmly believe everyone has a journey in their life that they have to sort out themselves at some point after the time of parenting has passed. Its painful to watch sometimes but keep telling yourself this is her journey now and sometimes all you can do is keep your fingers crossed that they eventually "get it" Detachment is never easy but necessary to keep your sanity.

For me, with my eldest, she is no longer a topic of conversation in the house. She has not "prostituted" herself for money but has done it for a roof over her head and has had a baby (three now) to try and seal the deal on upgrading for better living arragements. Am thankful she had herself fixed, and has been with the last baby daddy for a couple of years. I trained her in a job where she would never be out of work and would be self sufficent, raised her to be independent and for some reason decided she wanted to be a stay at home mom ala Ozzie and Harriett and was determined to get there one way or another. Obviously her choices gets her swirled in all kinds of drama and that is the part she thrives on. Baby daddy #2 was a crack addict and she was in fear for her life and moved back home with the two kids - but it was only a few months later she hooked up with his neighbor and was preggie in no time flat.

I would suggest you get together with a therapist to help you thru. And try and detach from your parents. Unfortunately your pleas are falling on deaf ears and they will have to learn the hardway. If they call you to complain or fill you in on what she is up to, kindly say you don't want to hear it or discuss it and find a way to quickly get off the phone. The less you know the easier the detachment part will kick in

Hugs
Marcie

[Hound dog]

((((hugs)))))

We're here. You're not alone.

I firmly believe there are just some things parents are meant to never know about their children. I would put boundaries into place that would prevent me from knowing any more, even if it meant distancing myself from enabling family members. (at some point you have got to protect you and to heck with others)

As Marcie wisely said, get a therapist to help you get through this. It will help to have someone in person to unload on whenever you need to who can help you with coping mechanisms that are healthy and to help you to detach more.

I suspect Katie has done this. I strongly suspected it when she first came to us over a decade ago, I suspected it again this time. But I refuse to let my mind hover there any longer than suspicion because there is not one thing I can do about it, so I push it out of my head again. If it ever gets confirmed, I have no clue what I'll do.

We're great, but we can't do the in person stuff that is so valuable. Please see a therapist, you'll be glad you did.

[DDD]

I just read your signature info to refresh my memory. Glad to see that you are seeking outside help as, imho, that is really necessary when you are facing the stress of coping with a GFG living and alternative lifestyle. Im my experience it just wasn't possible to "share" with friends because not only was it embarrassing (sigh) it was somewhere below Jerry Springer and yet not solvable. Maybe a screaming match with a couple of "bouncer guys" nearby would help more. LOL

Congratulations on only getting overwhelmed 10% of the time. Seriously, that is huge progress. If you can keep your focus on your four great kids, try to set a personal goal to help your self image/health, and detach to the best of your ability your GFG will fade a little more from your daily thoughts. I wish I had better answers but repeating the Serenity Prayer helped me maintain my sanity...or at least most of it. Hugs. DDD

[Dammit Janet]

Im just so sorry and have much sympathy for you. Hugs.

[CrazyinVA]

Oh Bean.. I'm so, so sorry. I have to agree with Lisa, distancing yourself from this so that you "know" as little as possible might be best right now. It's just too painful, and I can only imagine how insane it must make you inside to know that your parents are enablng her. That would be enough to throw me into daily panic attacks. It's so unnatural as a parent, to distance yourself from your child and to not ask, not know .. but it's necessary for our survival sometimes. If you're learning things about GFG through your mother, maybe you need to distance yourself from her, too. Again, not natural, and incredibly painful. My heart goes out to you.

Hugs.

[Nancy]

No Bean you are not alone. I believe my alcoholic/pot smoking gfg also has sex for money. I am afraid to check craigslist for fear of what I may find, but she belongs to several online dating services and from her profiel she isn't looking for a long term relationship.

All we can do is remember that we live our life the way we want to and they live their life the way they want to. We may not agree with or even like what they do but it is not our life and it does not define us.

Work on making yourself happy, do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

Hugs,
Nancy

[Bean]

So...

Not to sound incredibly stupid, because I'm much better at giving advice than using it on myself. :/

But, really, it is all about detachment? Releasing, letting go, moving on.
Maybe (with addicts) there's a false sense of control. Maybe it is just something that breaks your heart. Maybe it is the nature of the beast. With cancer patients (or other ailments that threaten your world and way of being), detachment isn't the option. Grieving, maybe. Or taking a "head on" attitude.

Addiction and addicted kids is about the only thing that I can think of that really talks about removing yourself from the stress. I'm thinking out loud again, milling through the muck.

I haven't talked to her in a few days. I'm actually relieved that she does not have a phone. That she can't call. She's tried from a friend's phone, but I didn't answer. She posted a note on my Facebook, but I ignored it. She's trying to contact my mother to pay her phone bill. I don't know if she will (my mom, pay), but there's an opportunity there.

It's heartbreaking to kind of "lose" a kid and "lose" your mom in the same battle. I'm trying to separate the two and remember that addiction is a cunning, baffling "you didn't cause it, can't cure it" thing, but it doesn't soften the blow.

Sometimes I think I might be wrapped up in it actually too, since my whole life as far as goals and such is at at standstill and has been for the last seven years. I need to start living! Not just surviving, but living.

[Calamity Jane]

You know, Bean, there's a dignity in the condition of humanity that addiction seems to block out in the severely addicted person. They "lose" their humanity and the inherent dignity that goes along with it, and we are just observers unfortunately. All we can do, even though it seems inadequate, is pray, and offer support and help to stop using when they are ready to accept it. Otherwise, what is the alternative? You can't join her on the streets, you can't become an addict - none of that would help her. It's really a shame what substance abuse steals from the family relationship.