OMG - things are bad - and apparently I am the one to blame

[Steely]

I got a call from Matt's tdoc today saying that they were no longer sure they could treat Matt because I did not trust in their program.
They said ethically they could not continue to treat him, when I, the parent, did not trust the program.

I reminded the counselor that I have never said that I do not trust the program - I am just upset over the lack of communication. I never know which way is up - or down - and it results in them breeching my trust. For instance I told Matt on Monday that 3 day a week phone calls had been approved. I found out Tuesday there was a change and no one had told me. Now who breeched whose trust - and how did that look to Matt when they told him I was wrong?

Anyway, at this point, it does not matter if I am in the right they do not want Matt in the program. I called the ed consultant and he said there might be a way to negotiate, but he was not sure.

In the meantime the counselor tells me (after telling me Monday I can only talk to Matt 2 times a week) that I can no longer talk to Matt until this is resolved. He promised me that he would call me back, and he has not. The Dr promised he would send me an email, he has not. It will be a week and I have not talked to Matt.

Seriously guys I need help here. The worst thing for Matt would be for them to tell Matt that he was pulled out of the program because his mom could not play nicely. The worst thing for Matt would be the appearance that I am rescuing him. This cannot happen!

Yet, is this the program for him? He is doing worse than ever! Yet they promise me this is, for the first time, progress.

Furthermore I cannot begin to imagine trying to find him another program right now. I am super, unbelievably exhausted from my new job.......and the whole world seems overwhelming to me.........let alone trying to find Matt a new place to live. This program has not taught him one life skill, so it is unrealistic to say he could just go get a job and punt. He is BD AS and does not have one life skill, zero. He would end up on the street.

Please help me here. I just am so, SO confused. I have no idea what I am supposed to do.

[Steely]

I know. I am on a rant. Sorry.

I just got a letter that most likely they were going to d/c Matt's program because of ME!!!! What? You would think I was a crazy woman - calling every five hours - demanding things. All I have ever asked for was accountability. I totally feel like the fall guy here.

I just cannot believe that they would blame me for not trusting them, when they have not tried to negotiate or work with me in any manner shape or form. They don't keep their promises or their commitments, they are fluid, not black and white. So why is it that I am to blame? I totally feel like I am getting dumped on here.

I can't believe I have messed Matt's life up again. I am the worst mom ever. Seriously. They are right. I just hoover. I have only wanted the best for him. That is it. I would have sacrificed the world for it - instead I feel like I have sacrificed him.

[smallworld]

I must have missed part of the story line.

What did you ask for that they thought was unreasonable?
What was the ed consultant able to find out for you?

[witzend]

I'm going to be blunt, because IMHO you are in a complete time crunch.

I had this happen with M, as well. The issue, as they saw it, was that M is living with them and they were treating him as an inpatient program with my permission to treat as needed. They either needed me to totally trust them and allow them to make changes as needed - which included changing privileges with no advance notice - or to take him back; or put him on the street regardless of my concerns.

I'm not saying that I gave in to them. I kept trying to maintain my control. And I was cut off and M ended up on the street. Your son needs a lot of help, and he is 19 years old. It seems like he is pushing back against you. Is it really such a terrible place? Is there a better place? Is no place better than where he is? If he moves someplace better, how long will it take him to get with the program? You need to stop and think this out rationally right this very second.

The way I see it, they have given you notice at this point - "step back or they are turning him loose". You're in a different state under a different jurisdiction, and if he says he's done with you it seems likely that a court will at the very least consider his application for emancipation. During the time the court is considering it, who knows where he will end up? I guarantee you that they will testify on his behalf as experts and successfully paint you as an unhinged interfering mom.

So, are you going to let them do whatever they want to do until things settle down and maybe you find a better situation, or are you going to fight them? Because I guarantee you they have some other kid whose mom won't interfere at least for a while and will pay full price for the privilege. I imagine there's a waiting list.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know where you are at, all too well. I hope that you will find some peace for you and for Matt.

[Steely]

I must have missed part of the story line.

What did you ask for that they thought was unreasonable?
What was the ed consultant able to find out for you?

I did not ask for a thing except a schedule. That is it. Seriously.
The Ed Cons found out nothing more than this program thought "I did not trust them". I am supposed to have a conference call with the Ed Cons tomorrow. I am so seriously confused, I don't even know which way to turn.

If you guys really knew me in person, you would realize how self introspective I am. I am the first one to take the blame. At the same time, I am also a warrior mom. I can take criticism, but it needs to be valid so that I can change. That is why I am so confused. Why would the program not see how willing I am to make things happen for Matt?

[KTMom91]

I wish I had an answer for you. Sending many soft hugs.

[witzend]

I want you and Matt to both be happy and safe. It's not right that you should take the blame for any of this. It's also not right that you think that you can "make things happen for Matt". Whatever is going on, you're not there, and they are living their lives minute by minute without you. There's no way you could possibly expect to keep up with what is going on every moment or every word they have to say to each other. There's a lot more to this than your asking for a schedule and you might not have anything to do with it other than asking for a schedule for some reason was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm honestly far more worried about you than I am for Matt. I know about wandering around the house in the middle of the night moaning and crying in despair with the panic and disappointment and the fear. The not eating and not bathing or dressing or doing anything. I had someone here to put a face on for. You are all alone. Matt's problems are not something you can control right now. They can. Do you trust them at all? Because if you do, you have to make sure that they understand that and let it go today. You can get back to it when you're not so upset and when you have a clearer idea of your options and Matts options.

But today he is in a dry warm place, and he is eating. He's got an entire staff of professionals listening to his every whim. His problems are chronic, not acute, and whatever happens right this very instant isn't going to change his life. Other than, that they can and will put him out on the street if they don't think that you are going to back them up.

Please stop torturing yourself. Please let it go for today and until you have enough information to make a decision that takes all possibilities into consideration. You have been through this before and you know it can't be done in a day. And it can't be done on a weekend. And it can't be done on Thanksgiving. He needs you to take your time, and so do you.

{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}

[everywoman]

Why would the program not see how willing I am to make things happen for Matt?

IMHO, Steely, those words speak volumes. Matt is 19. And while I understand that he has a lot of issues, I also know that at some point, he needs to be in control of his own treatment. He needs to care as much about getting better as you do. Until you "let go" control, he will not be able to "make things happen" for himself. It took a lot for me to get this.

For so long, I was in control of Tripp's 'treatment'. I chose the dr's. I made the appts. I drug him a long. I discussed meds. I made sure he took them. I fought for his education much harder than he did. I called the state dept. and made a lot of noise. I told him what to do and how to do it. I told the dr's what I wanted. I told the school how to teach him. And in the end, none of it did him a bit of good.

It was only after I let go and watched him fall and wallow in the mess he made of his life for while that he picked himself up and started taking care of his own problems. And it was hard. It still is. I watch his life and want to step in and take control. But I know if I do I will undo all the good things he has learned to do for himself. He is growing. It is slow and painful to watch because he still makes really irrational choices at times. But, I bite my tongue and let him face his consequences. At 19 he spent 23 days in the county jail with no communication from me. He had 4 abscessed teeth at the time that needed treatment. He was coming cold turkey off of a lot of pysch meds and street drugs (remember you xanax withdrawals). I worried every day about what was happening to him, but I knew at the time I had to let go if he was ever going to make the changes necessary to make his life better.

I'm sorry this is happening. I wish I could tell you a way to fix it. But, I know sometimes there is no fixing other people's lives.

[Leah]

It's not your fault. We love our kids, we do our best, and they make their own decisions. You will get through this, and I am sorry you have to go this on your own. It is heartbreaking to see a kid make decisions so opposite what would be hoped. I think my kids live in a parallel universe--different from where I live, different values. It's painful, and I don't think professionals, (teachers, counsellors), fully understand it. I will pray for stregth for you, and hope that you know you are not alone.

[emotionallybankrupt]

Steely--I've never been in any situation similar to yours, but in the spirit of brainstorming, it sounds to me like what you may need most is to buy some time. If it's true that at this moment you have no better alternative than the current placement, I think I would write a letter, something to the effect that you love your son very much and are very sorry (choke) if you have said or done anything to offend, and would ask that it please not be held against Matt. Maybe say you know it's in Matt's best interests at this time to remain in the program and ask what you can do to turn this situation around to make it possible for him to stay. I'd try to say in several different ways how much you love your son and that you did not realize you were doing anything to jeopardize his placement. That you will do whatever is necessary to help, and ask that they please just know that past communication was in the context of being a worried mother who wants the best for him.

Then, if it turns sour, you have the letter to remind yourself that you tried, as well as to prove to Matt or anybody else that you tried, if that ever became necessary.

Obviously, if you find a better placement, then go for it, but in the meanwhile it sounds like time is your friend. I think you need it in order to get clear about your choices. I think letters are always good so nobody can disagree about what you said. I wouldn't send it certified, though, I think that could be perceived as threatening, like you are gathering documentation (not that you aren't, I just wouldn't be obvious about it). Maybe fax and follow with phone call just to be sure they got it? (And don't fax machines show the record of successful transmission anyway?)

No, you're not a bad mom. You're a worried mom. That's love.