PC acting like gfg this weekend

[KFld]

O.k., I know I can't handle this the way I would a gfg because they are wired so different, but my pc has done a few things this past week, so unlike her, and I'm trying to decide the best way to handle it.

Few days ago dh and I were going out and pc asked if she could have a few friends over and we said o.k., just a few, and not even really thinking I needed to say it, I gave the lecture on no alchohol, think about what you are doing, yada yada yada. She looked at me like I had two heads, like why would you even have to say that to me, I would never even think of it!! We were home early, it was a school and work night, and friends were already gone. The next day I go to the shed to get some pool stuff out and behind the house I find a few empty plastic cups that definitley had beer in them. I confronted her and she didn't deny it, said one of the girls brought a few beers over, but she didn't drink, just they did. I laid into her about the underage drinking laws and how her father and I could be arrested if these parents found out these girls were drinking in our house!!!! I also told her I didn't believe that she wasn't drinking, I'm not stupid, I don't believe she sat there and watched, and let her know how upset I was and that I don't like the feeling of not being able to trust her, told her no more friends over when we aren't home and grounded her for a few days. I thought of calling the parents of these other girls, but knowing the laws, I am afraid to bring attention to something that could backfire on us as the way the underage drinking laws go, it doesn't matter if we were home, or didn't know they were drinking, we would still be held responsible. So they won't be allowed here anymore, and I won't have to worry about that again, but I hate this not trusting her.

O.k., so last night she gets her car back and is going out with her gf's and sleeping at one of their houses. These are her best friends, so I was o.k. with it, she sleeps there a lot, and I told her to think about what she is doing there and to call me from the girls home number when they are in for the night. I called her cell phone around 9:00 and she text messaged me back saying they just got into a movie and she would call me from Chelseas as soon as they got home after the movie. She called me around 11:45 from her house and said they were going to bed.

This morning I see a message on her myspace from her gf, left yesterday, saying can't wait for the concert tonight. Then I see she went on mapquest and printed out the directions to drive to it herself. She had asked me a few weeks ago if I would let her go to a concert there and I told her only if another parent was driving, because she wasn't, and she said o.k. She is not the greatest driver and this place is over an hour away on highways that she has never driven.

Well now I know she was at a concert and not the movies and that she drove there!!! I'll have to discuss this with dh, but I'm thinking right now the consequences should be to ground her for atleast the week and only allow her to drive to school and work period, then I will have to treat her like a baby for a while and make sure I call the parents of wherever she says she's going and make sure she is going where she says she is.

I haven't trusted gfg for years, so it was nothing I had to get used too. I do not like feeling this way about her. I know, I know, these are probably typical normal teenage behaviors. I guess I'm so used to dealing with over the top gfg behaviors that I'm not quite sure how to deal with normal teenage behaviors. When I was 17 I drank, smoked pot, went many places I wasn't supposed to. I wasn't a gfg and I experimented grew out of it all. I have no fear of her becoming a gfg, but I just want to handle this correctly and get the point across, because I know I don't have to beat her over the head to make her understand what she did was wrong.

What would you guys do? First of all I can't let her know that I saw this on myspace, so I'm going to tell her it's a small world and somebody told me they saw her at the concert. Where she went it not very big and most of the seating is outside on the lawn, and I do know someone who was going and taking his 2 daughters last night. I have been to this place before and it would be very easy to run into people you know there.

She should be home soon and dh is working all day, so I think I will go with the consequence I mentioned for now and let her know I will talk to her father when he gets home and we will take it from there.

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[everywoman]

My biggest problem would be the lying about where she was going. I would rather you go somewhere against my wishes and tell me the truth than lie and sneak to do it. Did she graduate this year? Is she going off to college? If so, then the way you handle this needs to be different than if she will be home for senior year next year. 17 is such a tricky age. My pc has been out of high school for a year. She has a year of college behind her. She is considering moving out this summer to experience a little more freedom. Oh...to have them five again.

[KFld]

She is only a junior in highschool. She is usually so responsible, actually more responsible then most 17 year olds I know. Would never think of skipping school. She's worked at the same job for a year now and would never think of calling out sick, even when she is sick. She's been my savior after dealing with gfg for so long. That is what is upsetting me the most. I don't like the feeling of not trusting her. I guess I never thought I would have to deal with this stuff with her, and that is why I wonder if I'm over reacting to normal teenage stuff that most parents deal with, who don't have a gfg. Not that I don't think she deserves consequences, but I don't want to get myself so upset over something that isn't really that bad, or think to lightly of it because I'm so used to dealing with huge huge gfg stuff.

[Dammit Janet]

I think you are handling it just right.

Jamie pulled some stunts in high school that caused us to reign him in a time or two. The most glaring one was when he and a few of his friends decided to skip school one day and made the huge mistake of finding themselves at a convenience store at the same time we were! Ooops. His dad dragged his lanky behind out of that car while I was in the store and was yelling at him. The clerk was so worried about what was going on she was about to call the cops. I had to tell her we owned him...lmao. Needless to say, he was relegated to riding big yellow for the next two months instead of being able to ride with his friends to school. Oh well...consequences bite!

[rejectedmom]

Yep janet. That is exactly what I was thinking. Make her ride the school bus for a few weeks. It will definately sink in that the car is a priviledge. I wouldn't let my daughter have the car for anything for a few weeks after she violated the rules and drove her friends around. More passengers than the car would hold and not enough seatbelts. She said that it was peer pressure. I replied that if she couldn't stand up to peer pressure, then she was not mature enough to drive a vehicle that could kill or maime someone if she lost control because she was distracted. -RM

[jbrain]

Good advice, RM! Karen, I don't have any real advice but wanted to say I sure understand how you feel about all this. After raising a gfg you just don't know what is "normal" and what a normal reaction should be. It also is an awful feeling to think you can't trust someone--but I do think she is being a "normal" teen and will be trustworthy again in a few years! I too drank and smoked pot and went places my parents were unaware of when I was 17. I remember getting home at about 4:30AM when I was supposed to be home at 1:00 and making up some lame story. I did feel bad when I realized how worried my parents were--that never occurred to me while I was out with this older guy (another dumb story). It was like I knew they would be mad that I wasn't home on time but didn't understand that they would be angry because they were worried! I thought they'd be mad just because I wasn't obeying their dumb rules. I think when you are that age you think your parents just want to annoy you and control you, you don't realize how much they care about you.

Gotta go--let us know what happens and take care!
Hugs,
jane

[kris]

<span style='font-size: 11pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #660000"> okay, the lying is the thing that would set my hair on fire & she lied twice....the concert & in all likelihood the drinking.

i can understand her drinking. she's at that experimental age after all. but lying to your face when confronted would be a huge issue for me. if you did drink, okay, but at least show mom enough respect to speak the truth about it. btw, i would narc the other girls to their parents. i think they would be less inclined to sue you if they hear it from you rather than someone else. there were no accidents & these things happen. the other girls are responsible for their choices not you. as a parent i'd rather know what my kid is up to.

the concert....this is probably w/in the realm of fairly normal. since pc seems to want to start travelling further afield maybe you or dh can take her driving to some of these destinations beforehand so she is familiar w/the route & her driving skills can improve.

i'd ground her more for the beer than the concert & it would probably be more like a month before she'd be enjoying any freedoms. drinking is a huge, huge issue IMO.

kris </span> </span> </span>

[DDD]

Once again there is no ONE answer because all of our PCs are different. Alot depends on personality, peers, patterns, etc.
I've had alot of PC experience as a parent and with my PCs I
usually used a different tactic. Why it worked I'm not sure but
most of the time it did.

I never "confronted" one of my teens. I always unexpectedly
brought up the subject at the dinner table or while watching tv
etc. Then I would usually start the subject by mildly saying
"PC is there anything you would like to share with me?" On more
than one occasion I was shocked out of my chair..lol..as I was
told about stuff I didn't have a clue about! Most of the time,
however, there was a brief look of panic followed by a question
for me. "What do you mean, Mom?" LOL!

For instance (in your trip case) I would say "Much to my shock and surprise someone indicated that you may have been somewhere
other than at XXX's house? Is that possible?"

With all the PCs the truth, or a close to the truth story, would
flow including an apology etc. From that point I would add that
as a parent I deserve to hear the truth from my children. Then
I often would ask "what do you think is the appropriate punishment?" Once again...many times there version was harsher
than what I had in mind.

Confrontation doesn't work with me. I see it as backing someone
into a corner where they have to either fight or submit. I did
not want submission or retaliatory fighting. I wanted them to
recognize that I was the parent and deserved respect.

Perhaps a version of this method might work with your PC. DDD

[upallnight]

Well, my pc's act like gfg's at times also. But, they learn from their mistakes quickly I think. I would let her earn back the driving privledge. She went against your wishes, and her trust was lost. I would point out that trust is going to be alot harder to earn back. In addition, I think everything you have done so far is right. You'll have to keep checking up on her, and she won't like that, but she'll learn. Personally, because gfg was my first child, I give my pc kids alot of leeway when it comes to everything. (I guess I'm so glad they're not gfg's that I'm too kind, and forgiving. In other words, they're spoiled. Not good.)-Alyssa

[upallnight]

DDD, I love your answer! I wouldn't have even posted had I seen that. I'm going to try that in the future.-Alyssa