Question for the PE group

[firehorsewoman]

I know, I know....I promised not to hang out here because doing so really scares the **** out of me but I feel like there is a lot to be learned from the true veterans here. I recently read the post written by a young adult GFG struggling with addiction a and that really saddened and scared me.

Reading that post reinforced my feeling that I have to start now trying to do everything possible in regards to prevention when it comes to my young GFG and future drug/alcohol use. Even at this young age, I talk to him about the very serious dangers of using drugs and alcohol with the disorders that he has. He mentioned to me one day about a year ago that he "cannot wait to taste beer" and from that day forward I have consistently sent an age appropriate message to him that he is at especially high risk if he drinks or does drugs. My mother (his maternal grandmother) is a GFG and has been a drug addict most of her life. So as the child of an addict perhaps I am hyper-reactive to this issue? I don't care. I feel like it is my duty to do whatever I can to protect GFG (and his PC sister) and a big part of that is arming them with information. I hope.

Did any of you PE parents warn your kids about such risks when they were young GFGs and did it work for any of them? Did it help any of them stay away from drugs and alcohol? I know that nothing is fool proof and that my son will always be at especially high risk but I feel compelled to do whatever I can to prevent him going down the road of drugs and alcohol...being a clean GFG is hard enough...those that are also addicted are really facing an uphill battle.

thanks

[MidwestMom]

My two youngest adopted kids definitely have serious substance abuse in their genetics. Sonic was born to a drug addict and had cocaine in his body when he was born. Jumper's birthfather has spent his life in and out of jail due to what he does to get money for drugs. So both of them are at high risk. I have drummed this into their heads since they were young 'uns...that maybe their friends can experiment and be ok, but that they can't. Does this guarantee anything? No. Sonic is nineteen and has never had any interest in drinking and drugs and, since he is on the autism spectrum, he doesn't really "Hang out" much. His few friends are mostly just into videogames and staying home...lol. But Jumper will be going away to college in a few years. She is totally straight now, but I don't know what will happen once she is away. I hope she heeds my warning.

All you can do is talk to your child. If you do that, you have done your best. After a certain age, it is (scarily) up to them.

[Kathy813]

Yes, we were upfront with our daughters about DH's brother's alcoholism and warned them that there was a genetic component. The girls also participated in the DARE program at school.

Despite all of that, GFG became involved with drugs and is an alcoholic. PC doesn't have any substance abuse issues. I am convinced it is in the hard wiring and GFG got the short end of the stick.

~Kathy

[Nancy]

My gfg is adopted and we were very open with her about her risk of addiction because of her family history. It did not save her from the same fate. That doesn't mean I would do it any differently. I think it's important to talk to our kids about drugs/alcohol so they know what our values are and they have the facts and self confidence to avoid peer pressure.

Nancy

[Calamity Jane]

Hi FHW,
I really respect you for trying to be proactive. One thing I would recommend is that you also talk about the dangers of smoking cigarettes. It was always discussed along with drugs and alcohol at our house, but ironically, the first indication that my PC son was turning into a GFG was when he started sneaking cigarettes and hanging out with kids who smoked. That was when he was a freshman in HS. After that, he experimented with alcohol and pot, then went on to harder stuff from there. But cigarettes, believe it or not, was where he started - in the shallow end of the pool, so to speak.
Another thing I remember in retrospect was that during our talks about the dangers of substance abuse was that he was always trying to find out if his dad smoked weed or drank. I'm a really shy, straight-laced person, so he never even asked me lol (ah, but still waters run deep!), but he was fascinated in a really persistent way. Both my kids are adopted BTW, and I can't figure out why he was fixated on whether Dad smoked pot way back in the '70s, except that if the answer was "yes" then maybe he'd have an excuse. I remember also he was obsessed with "That 70's Show" reruns on TV and the kids were always getting high and it was supposedly hilarious.

[Nancy]

CJ very wise words! My gfg also was very curious whether we ever smoked pot. We believe there are things that parents need to keep private between them. Whether we did or didn't smoke pot. she still needed to know the dangers of pot use and that the pot of the 70's is far different than the pot of today.

Nancy

[firehorsewoman]

thanks everyone for responding. Yes, CJ I have spoken to the kids about cigarettes but not as emphatically as I should lately. They are being raised so differently than I was. My mother smoked cigarettes (possibly weed as well?) through all of her pregnancies, smoked heavily around us all day long, both of my grandparents were heavy smokers, I grew up in a place that was very pro-smoking....my kids on the other hand did not even know what cigarettes are called and until a few years ago referred to them as "those smoke sticks."

My kids have never met my mother. I have not had contact with her for over 16 years. They have sensed from a young age that something is very different and wrong with the situation because their father has two parents that he is very close to and sees virtually every day. They are super involved in my kid's lives. Me on the other hand have no parents to speak of. Haven't had contact with my father in about 30 years. Because they have asked me many times why this is ("Mommy why don't you have a mom and dad?") we have had the discussion about my mother having "problems" and more recently I have shared with them that part of her problems involve drugs. We will have more detailed conversations about that later. But for now they seem to associate drugs with "bad" people who have "problems" like their GFG maternal grandmother that they will never meet. So, I doubt they will ever ask me if I have smoked pot etc. I probably won't get that warning sign.

[SuZir]

We did talk with our GFG not only about alcohol and drugs but also about gambling, because there seemed to be some very vague warning signs with him. And when he did hit his tweens and teens unfortunately poker and sport betting had become incredibly trendy and cool. There was absolutely no way getting through to him and I have even wondered if all the talk was counter productive. Teens, especially those with rebellious streak mile wide, don't take it well, when they are told they can not do something, ever. And especially if they feel they are set aside. That others can, but because you have this structural error in you that can not be removed, you never can even try.

That is something you may want to keep in mind. It is relatively easy to make younger kid to believe something simply is off-limits for them. They will easily tell you they would never drink or smoke or try drugs. That makes you feel good as a parent, but unfortunately after they hit puberty that goes out of the window and strong warnings and talking a lot about something may even turn against itself. If I would have a re-try, I would probably go more with trying to influence the peer group they hang out with. The peer group influence, and what is considered cool, has so much more influence on teens than parental advises.

Then again, with my GFG I don't know if anything would had helped. Maybe having better peer relationships and less pressure trying to be cool. Or maybe not.

[MidwestMom]

Suzir made an excellent point. I think A LOT depends on the person's temperament. My oldest daughter was dreamy, creative and a non-conformist...and a risk taker. In spite of never seeing her dad or me even drinking and in spite our talks with her, she did drugs anyway. I don't think we could have stopped her. She had a rebel's personality...fortunately she also had common sense in there somewhere. She DID quit. But that was after trying almost everything...
My younger daughter is sixteen and a little goofy, but she is very level-headed. To her cigarettes, drinking and drugs are not worth it. She likes sports and wants to stay healthy and also does not like being in trouble. She is not at all a risk taker and she tends to look down at teens who get into trouble.
I would never say "don't try", but what a child does as a teen and older has a lot more to do with who her friends are and if he/she is a risktaker/rebel than what we tell them. JMO.

[elizabrary]

I started laughing when I read this question because I think nearly all of the parents I have encountered here are and always have been very involved, caring, proactive parents. If good parenting could have stopped the issues of our GFGs then I think very few of us would be on this board. I know we all made mistakes, but I believe nearly everyone here did everything within their power to give their GFGs a stable, positive upbringing. With most of these kids I think there is some faulty wiring- either mental health issues, addictive personalities, or maybe just DNA that predisposes them to problems. But I'm pretty sure most of us not only talked and talked and talked to our kids about this stuff, but did all kinds of early intervention to prevent it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying early intervention won't help, and who knows you may not face these problems at all. You have to educate them and provide them every opportunity to make the right decisions, what they end up doing is up to them.