Re: Grandson ~ Behavior Question

[mom_to_3]

I thought I'd ask you veteran GFG parents what you thought of this behavior my grandson exhibits. This is part of an email that I got from his pre-k teacher this afternoon. We see similar behaviors at home and wondered how you all would classify this. I find it really "interesting" how a just turned 5 yr. old, holds a grudge and acts on it later.

...he was at centers. He was caught throwing some materials and was NOT going to move his clip (until I counted to 10 and even then he was pushing back). Then he dumped out a bowl of dried pasta (because he was still mad...we made him pick it up).
At lunch, Tina said he dropped his lunch tray--she said it seemed to be ON PURPOSE (can you get over it?) He had to sit by himself and was angry at us. My note.... yes, he will drop food or spill drinks ON PURPOSE if you make him angry. Grrrr.
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This morning his bus did not pick him up, so I took him to school. When I dropped him off and he had gotten out of the car, I said "have a good day!", my window was down and I heard him say when he got to the door, under his breath, "have a bad day" and then looked at me. Today was actually a good morning, and nothing negative went on as it almost always does. In fact, I had just finished whistling Skitta-marink-a-dink-a-dink to him and he was impressed, or at least he led me to believe he was. He couldn't believe I could whistle!
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The other day, I noticed a dark bruise on him and I asked him what happened. In a very monotone voice, looking straight ahead, not at me, he said "don't worry about it, I'm not dead." Okay........

What do you all think?

[goldenguru]

Well my overriding thought is that this is an angry child. His anger seems sort of passive aggressive.

I'm not sure about the "I'm not dead" comment. I certainly would inquire what he might have meant. It seems an odd comment coming from a 5 year old.

Are you raising this grandchild? GFG's often act out w/ parents, but I find it especially concerning that he is acting out w/ his grandma.

[mom_to_3]

Yes, he has been in our home for 6 months. CPS removed him from his dad's house. Up until about a couple of months ago, he was mostly compliant with me. I did have to "work" things to keep him happy and working with me. He didn't do "time outs well and I tried hard not to have to do it because he went ballistic!

It's interesting............... I raised his mother, our GFG. She was very much the same way. If you got in her way of doing what she wanted, you could bet there would be a price to pay. This went on most of her life. I was really hard to explain at the time, and it seems like I am making more out of it with our grandson than one should be with a 5 yr. old, but it just sets off big alarms for me.

[meowbunny]

I'd be running, not walking to a good therapist. Too much P-A behavior, too much vindictiveness, too much negativity for a typical 5 YO imo. It really does not sound like typical behavior, especially not when a teacher comments on it.

No matter what, I wish you luck. He's going to be a handful.

[mom_to_3]

Meow bunny, he's already a very big handful! I've had him in therapy since he came with us and he see's a psychiatrist. Something is very wrong with this picture, but I am not able to explain to them so that they understand. His therapist seems to thing that if I do a sticker chart and praise, praise, praise him, he'll get better. He won't work for a sticker chart or praise. He works for whatever is going on in his head, and it's not usually what I have in mind.

My grandson tells me when I can have a sticker, or when he is happy with my behavior. He believes he is an equal or superior. I actually had to point this out to the therapist yesterday. She totally missed it.

I am concerned. I don't think anyone knows whats going on, I don't believe the pdoc or therapist see anything/

[katya02]

I also see some red flags there. The ability to hold onto hostility is troubling. Also his way of seeing himself as your equal. Are you pleased with the therapist? Maybe one that's a little quicker on the uptake, and maybe a male therapist? I hate to say it, but I noticed that the male psychologists and therapists that I took gfg to were far less likely than similar female therapists to be taken in when he was manipulative, and less likely to encourage the stars and stickers approach (which never worked with my gfg either). There is a male-male dynamic that is important for gfgs, I think.

[mom_to_3]

I agree with you Katya about the male influence. I tried very hard to get him a male therapist. When he first came to live with us, he was seeing a male therapist. The only problem was that I was driving 60 miles each way. I did do that during the summer, but with my grandson in school now, it's really prohibitive. I had to find a new pdoc and therapist and we're limited because my grandson is on medicaid.

It's funny you mention the male therapist thing. The one my grandson saw told me to have my husband wrestle a bit on the rough side with our grandson. He said it was how boys knew the men were stronger and learned that way to respect older men. Kind of to put them in their place. I don't recall my husband wrestling with our grandson, but he did learn early on not to challenge him. My husband came down hard and swift and got his message across. Boundaries are a very big problem with our grandson.

[standswithcourage]

Well I a m glad you have been taking him to a therapist even though she doesnt get it maybe she can tap into his anger. It may have something to do with the Dad situation. I hope the teacher isnt being to "hard" with him. I understand how they need to go with the rules and all that but I wonder if she understands the situation. About the bruise - maybe he got hit by another kid? I believe the "dead" comment was meant to let you know he was ok. Just my take on it. Maybe you could ask the teacher if anyone is bullying him.

[Suz]

I am sincerely sorry to say that your grandson sounds a lot like my Rob when he was 5. He was filled with rage and adhd and attachment disorder. In addition to the anger, do any of these symptoms sound familiar?

SYMPTOMS OF RAD

• Superficially engaging and "charming" behavior
• Indiscriminate affection toward strangers
• Lack of affection with parents on their terms (not cuddly)
• Little eye contact with parents, on normal terms
• Persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter
• Lying about the obvious (crazy lying)
• Stealing
• Destructive behavior to self, others, and material things (accident prone)
• Abnormal eating patterns
• No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)
• Lags in learning
• Abnormal speech patterns
• Poor peer relationships
• Lack of cause-and-effect thinking
• Lack of conscience
• Cruelty to animals
• Preoccupation with fire

http://www.adopting.org/adoptions/re...-symptoms.html

Suz

[mom_to_3]

SYMPTOMS OF RAD
Superficially engaging and "charming" behavior - yes
Indiscriminate affection toward strangers - not physical affection, but very friendly
Lack of affection with parents on their terms (not cuddly) - no
Little eye contact with parents, on normal terms - yes at times
Persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter - yes
Lying about the obvious (crazy lying) - yes
Stealing - I haven't noticed
Destructive behavior to self, others, and material things (accident prone) - accident prone, sometimes destructive to material things.
Abnormal eating patterns - he has, but not at our home
No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive) - yes
Lags in learning - no, very, very smart actually.
Abnormal speech patterns - not at all
Poor peer relationships - maybe
Lack of cause-and-effect thinking - maybe
Lack of conscience - maybe / yes
Cruelty to animals - most of the time very nice. My dog likes him. 1 time, I caught him being not so nice.
Preoccupation with fire - not that I am aware of