Do you miss being needed?

[Martie]

Suz,

Thanks for starting this thread, Susie. It is very interesting.

I agree with Fran---and to some degree, we are all "works in progress" for a long time. My mother was a stellar parent to me as an adult until Alzheimer's took her. I strive to be like her for my own kids.

It's not that I am not needed--it's just a different need. I also lived with dh for 13 years before PC arrived, so we were indeed grown-up people with lives, before kids. I find it easy to be that person again. Through your help, I have been able to re-engage in research that I let go when ex-gfg was at his worst--an afterwards, too, when he was doing well, but he still needed A LOT of my time. Teaching s a constant of my job, but the research waxes and wanes, is something I enjoy, and I now have time to pursue again.

Just for the record, I do not miss CARPOOLING, IEP meetings, or the day to day monitoring of behavior.

Thanks for the insights,

Martie

[Penta]

I like Fran's idea that we all need someone all the rest of our lives. I know I do! I rely on my son for tech information all the time, my daughter in law for her keen sense of style and my 18 year old for her knowledge in the retail area.

My daughter in law calls me for advice on certain recipes. My son often asks my opinion on things he thinks I know about. My 18 year old thinks she is grown, but she too, comes to me continually for information and basic facts of living that a young adult needs to know.

It's a different relationship with adult children...more equal in many ways, but we all still need each other.

GG, you are a young woman...you have time for a whole new life! I am in my mid 60's and still exploring possibilities for the next stage of my life, nothing spectacular, small pleasures, just for me!

[jamrobmic]

I miss something, but I haven't figured out what it is. GFG still needs me, although in different ways from when he was younger. I think it's partly what everywoman said about missing her babies being babies. I think what I miss most is the connection GFG and I had when he was little. It dawned on me not long ago that I will never have another relationship that intense again, not even with GFG (which is a good thing, I know, because it wouldn't be healthy for either of us to be that wrapped up in each other, but I still miss it). He wasn't a gfg until he was about eight, and didn't get really bad until he was about fifteeen, so I don't know if I feel that way because I feel like we lost him when things got bad with him, or if I would have felt that way anyway as he grew up and naturally pulled away from us.

[Dammit Janet]

One thing I have done...you did ask this question....is to throw myself whole heartedly into nurturing the next generation. I adore the grands. You couldnt drag Keke out of my arms with a blasting cap. We cant wait to go visit Hailie.

I spend my time searching for things to buy them, things to make their lives more fun. It isnt the exact same thing but it is close.

Actually I think being a grand parent is even more fun.

[Hound dog]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Actually I think being a grand parent is even more fun. </div></div>

I sooooooo ditto Janet!! The first grandchild cured any desire I had to go back to those good ol' Mommying days forever.

I also spend alot of time looking for ways to make the grandkids lives more enjoyable and creating that wonderful grandparent/grandchild relationship. Like Janet said, not exactly the same thing. But as far as I'm concerned, it's better.

We get to be the Good Guys. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/bigsmile.gif[/img]

[Penta]

I have been a grandparent who raised my grandchild for the past 18 years, so my relationship with my girl has been more of a parent/child. However, when she was little, every once in a while I would say that today would be her G-Ma spoiling day and off we would go to ToysRUs so she could pick out a special toy.

I guess I'll get my turn at being a real grandparent when I am a great Grand!

[goldenguru]

Grand parenting is the best. All of the fun ... none of the work.

[KFld]

I think the way each of us feels when we feel we are no longer needed, relies a lot on the reasons we aren't needed so much anymore and where our gfg's or pc's are in their lives. I know I missed feeling needed for a short time when it came to gfg, but as soon as I realized I wasn't needed as much because he was learning to be independent and take care of himself, which was what I was working so hard all these years for him to accomplish, the feeling went from missing being needed to be proud of his accomplishments and feeling my hard work had finally paid off.

PC has never needed me in the same way gfg did, but I know she needs me in a healthy way, as I do her.

And we all know the story of where s2bx was when I needed him, and I'm beginning to thank god everyday that I don't have to feel needed by him any longer [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/smile.gif[/img]

[hearts and roses]

I guess I'm not 100% there yet as far as having to check in with gfg and making sure her meds are taken, etc. But she's always tried to be independent to a fault and by the time she brings me into the loop, things are wildly out of control. So, the need is still there, just not on a daily basis. I am learning to let go and allow her to figure stuff out on her own moreso and also, I simply cannot allow myself to be that emotionally entangled in her stuff.

With PC, I don't miss being needed. She still talks with me, still confides in me and still lets me know that I am very much loved and that my thoughts and opinions are very much valued. It's funny because she had always been mushy with me and allowed me to be her confidante, however, she's the one who has actually been more driven and independent. I miss her being around and seeing her at dinner and knowing her daily comings and goings - but I don't feel that her 'needing' me is too much or overwhelming. We have more of a 'shared' relationship of give and take more than her being the child and me being the parent and her needing me all the time. Ahem, there are times, though, when she needs me too much...for instance when she's having a relationship problem with her bf, but even that has changed to where now I am more of a sounding board for her without fear that I will tell her what to do or what to say like a regular girlfriend would. I just let her get it all out and ask thought provoking questions that make her think things through.

I tell you what, though. The weeks that gfg was living at her dad's gave me a taste of freedom from being needed and I liked it - A LOT. I enjoyed having my laundry done in a single afternoon, keeping normal hours after dark, chilling, having easier dinners, less clean up and less mess. H and I finally fell into a sort of routine and then gfg came back home. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/rolleyes.gif[/img] HAHA~

Right now, with both gfg and pc home I notice that I've fallen right back into picking up wet towels from the floor, throwing shoes downstairs, picking up and putting away, clearing the kitchen counter, ugh. I won't miss that.

Like some others here, I am kind of looking forward to having grandchildren (though not any time soon, thank you) and being able to be less of a parent and more just enjoying them and loving them up.

[Big Bad Kitty]

Life with Copper got so rough the last few years of her childhood, I was counting the days till she was 18. I do not miss caring for her at all. And Tink is 50X more challenging to care for than Copper ever was. So I have my work cut out for me for quite some time.

What is funny, is I also cared an awful lot for my mom for the past 20 years or so, because she was so sick. She cared for Copper more than I could, and I cared for my mom, because caring for Copper was causing a lot of her ailments. If that makes any sense. As soon as Copper left, my mom's health issues improved to the point where she could work (babysitting, care for the elderly, etc).

Then I got sick, and my mom had to turn around and care for me.

That was the absolute weirdest thing ever. It felt so wrong. My mom was so sick for so long, it was second nature for me to step up and help her, whether it was take her to the store, balance her checkbook, help clean her house. Also I was working, she was not, and I helped her out with money. It feels SO wrong for my mom to give me a roll of quarters and say "this is for your laundry" or for her to call and say "Do you need me to come over and help you clean the house?"

I don't even know where I am going with this. I just started thinking about needing and feeling needed and caring, and I got to thinking about that. And I realized I had never expressed it out loud.

Thanks for being a sounding board.