How do you let go

[catwoman]

Just wanted to say hi and welcome. We've all been where you are. Watching someone we love slowly self-destruct is terrible. You've done all you can, now you need to take care of you. Letting go is painful and hard but necessary to save yourself. Lots of us have found that letting go often causes them to make a change in their lives. My son still hasn't forgiven me for doing what I had to do, but I try to take comfort in knowing that he's alive, safe and working.

[judi]

Hi Dad - hope posting helps some to know you aren't alone. It is so sad. You are right - you must mourn the loss of your child that you had such high hopes for. Its not easy. Believe me, no one has any sympathy for those of us with gfg adult children.

[Suz]

This is a great forum. Reading what others have posted makes me so proud to be part of this group, this community. We are parents who have BTDT and still believe in the goodness of our children and try to remember the perspective of the long haul. We are a tough group and will call our children- and each other- on bad decisions or alternative ways to handle things or thinking things through.

I'm very glad for you...and for your daughter...that you found us.

Welcome!

Suz

[antsmom]

<span style='font-family: Century Gothic'>HI there, count me in as I chime in with the others in the BTDT category, but I have a son. he produced a child during his lowest stage of drug abuse and alcoholism. my grandson is now 3. his mother and my son are no longer a couple but have to speak to transport their son between my home and the home the girl and grandson live in. the girl is on welfare. they live in HUD housing. she refuses to work. my grandson lives here half time. his mother sleeps all day.

so, it is harder when they add a child to the mix. but there are services out there for mother and baby. you must do a few things:

-stop giving her any money at all. hard, but you are only buying drugs with that.
-if she is hungry feed her at your home. or pack her a lunch. no cash, nothing she can sell
-fight back with prayer and lots of it
-read the book suggested (codependent no more by melody beattie...free to borrow at any library) it was the first book that I read and it helped me detach tremendously. also read Boundaries by townsend and cloud
-go to a Narcanon mtg for some support and insight so you do not feel alone. others with more experience can guide and comfort you. Narcanon has a website with locations.
-check this site :
gopsst.org for survival tips and maps for programs in your own area

your baby girl is still in there someplace. once you are done mourning her, you will get angry enough to fight back.

My son was on drugs from age 13. he has been thru every one anyone mentions. he spent over two yrs in jail for 3 underage DUIs. he is now 23 and has been back living with me for 5 months. he is much improved. prayer and being firm with him helped. making him suffer hunger, loneliness and loss of my support when he was being his worst, helped him want to change.

we are here, we have survived, you will too.
</span>

[rejectedmom]

Hello and welcome. I too am a BTDT parent. It is so hard to watch our kids self destruct. But, until they are ready to accept help nothing do will change the way they think and act.
-RM

[antsmom]

by the way...they will train you to detach believe it or not. finally you will be very understanding of the idea that they do not want your input, are using you up and you learn to be more self protective and wiser.

[ScentofCedar]

Welcome, Dad. A detachment site I found helpful is listed at the bottom of my posts. Now that you have found support in the form of others who have been through what is happening to you and your family, it will get a little easier for you from here.

Again, welcome to the site. This is a wonderfully supportive environment from which you will learn much, and where you will find strength to make it through to the other side.

Barbara

[SunnyFlorida]

Welcome. Posting helps alot, as does reading other posts and reading the archives. This isn't something new...it just happens to have happened to you.

Detachment is slow for some and easily done for others. It's a process that is always in progress.

Glad you found us.

[Ally]

Welcome dad,

You have come to a great place full of support. Detaching is not easy and it has taken me a long time to get to where I am although like someone else said our gfg's almost force you to detach as a way of protecting your sanity.

Hang in there

Ally

[TYLERFAN]

Hi Dad:

Letting go means practicing "detachment".
I say "practicing" because it is so hard that not only do you need to do it, you have to practice it....sometimes this takes some time for us parents to acheive.
My daughter relapsed last night. I have to go back into "detachment mode".....this means, she gets no help from me....NONE.
Although my GFG has returned to her soberhouse for the moment, and I don't know what the consequences of this will be for her, I have to put my thoughts elsewhere.
Read the articles on this site about detachment.
Go to Narcanon meetings, this will help you learn a method for dealing with an addict and making life livable for yourself again. Dad, that is a big part of it.....you have to go into recovery even if your GFG won't. The best way to get that recovery for you is thru NARCANON....my opinion.
As the others have said:
Don't give her money.
Don't bail her out.
Don't accept her calls.
Change your door locks.
Let her know there will be no enabling her lifestyle.
Repossess your car!
All of this is much easier said than done of course....and we all slip up, that is why we "practice" detachment. You may have to force yourself to let her fall......very difficult, but has to be done.
I don't mean to sound harsh. This is for her own good and yours. You have no control over her choices, her life. You have to surrender to that. All you can do is pray and save your own life. It can be done. I have been thru alot of this stuff with my GFG....if you need further info please PM me.

Blessings,
Melissa