Stress of adult gfgs on long-term marriages??

[judi]

Sunny - we too compartmentalize in order to cope. Its amazing to me that those of us that have long term relationship rely on pretty much the same coping mechanisms.

[judi]

Sounds like a sane plan Nomad.

[ScentofCedar]

Great question.

My DH was pretty much determined we would make it. He supported me while I did whatever I needed to ~ went back to school, took classes that appealed to me, whatever I wanted to do. The one thing he insisted on (and still does) is that we share a drink together at the end of the day. Initially, we put on music specific only to that time. (That was my contribution. I wanted something that would set that time apart from any other time. I chose Dean Martin.)

At first, it was so unusual for us to be face to face with only ourselves for company that we were embarrassed. So many horrible things had happened.

I am still very sad when I think about the way everything came out.

So is DH.

But we are still together, and it has been thirty-four years.

So, every day, that is what we did.

With determination.

The last thing I wanted to do was sit with my husband, anywhere.

But you know what?

It worked.

For that one hour a day, there were no phone calls taken, no television, no outside influences at all. To this day, DH and I sit down at 5:30 and have a drink together. We no longer play Dean Martin? But back when our marriage was in shreds, that sort of goofy, out of time and place music made that hour our own.

As soon as we hear that CD, to this day, we smile, and relax, and feel happy.

Sometimes?

DH even dances with me. (You know that verse where Dean Martin sings about swaying the woman across the floor? [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] )

We are spending the Winter in Florida?

I brought that CD.

So, there is my answer, I guess. I don't think we CAN recover who we were or what we were working for when our dreams for our families were still intact.

But if our intentions are to recreate our marriages, we CAN do that.

But we have to see rekindling the marriage as a primary intention.

Barbara

[Fran]

What a wonderful way to connect. Good for both of you.

[SearchingForRainbows]

Since my oldest GFG is in the 10th grade, I don't usually get around to reading this forum very much. Now, after reading judi's post and all of the replies, I know I'll be back often!!!

I know that I can learn so much from all of you with older GsFG who have more experience than I do. I can relate to many of the comments here even if my oldest GFG is still in High School.

I have been married 18 years. It hasn't always been easy. Our GsFG tore us apart in many ways. I know we are working very hard on staying together and many of your comments make so much sense. I especially like Barbara's on spending one hour together and having a drink.

Thanks for all of your honesty. It helps me more than any of you will ever know. WFEN

[AliceLee]

Our gfg-problems definitely have affected our marriage. DH & I separated for a year (but still spent a lot of time together, and worked on our relationship with a wonderful counselor).

DH and gfg are more compatible temperament-wise than gfg and I are. Sometimes I felt like it was DH and gfg against me. I think I even said to dh once, "why don't you and N live together...I'll get an apartment." Sometimes, dh would make decisions concerning gfg without consulting me, which burned me up. It was a perfect setup for gfg to manipulate us. The counselor helped us learn to compromise when we disagreed on a course of action and provide a "united front."

Of course, gfg was NOT our only issue!

We have been back together for about 18 months now, and our marriage is in good shape. In fact, we will celebrate our 25th anniversary this summer!

[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/36_3_17.gif[/img]

[judi]

Barbara - how wonderful. Thanks for sharing.

[Coookie]

Came back to check this thread and loved the responses. Before my gfg went into the Marine Corp my dh and I held together really well. A united front ... but something happened after the he!! we went through the last few months and we started pulling apart...different views on handling the situation I guess. I really believe that we will be united once again but adult gsfg do put a strain on a marriage. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/frown.gif[/img] We have to learn different ways of dealing with things almost instantly it seems. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/frown.gif[/img]

Hugs

[hearthope]

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/nono.gif[/img]I sat in the parkin lot TODAY and told dh I can no longer live this way!
His reaction to everything is ignore it and it will go away. That is the same way he treated gfg.

We have gone through alot, but this time is different. I am futher away from him than I have ever been. I don't want to be close to him, I don't even want to talk to him.

Early in our marriage when gfg started acting out, my dh asked me if it was time for him to go live with his dad. I told dh he would leave before my gfg does (wrong answer, but I meant it)
My dh then started really trying to control pc, like we lost one and I don't want to lose this one. I had to stop him alot and still have to remind him that she is not gfg and we have to give her some freedom.

I feel a great sense of loss with gfg not here, I believe all dh feels is relief.

The greater his sense of relief is the futher I get away from him. I know that doesn't make much sense, but It is just a really tough time time now.

I have read all the advice to connect with my dh now, but it has changed since gfg is gone.
I am not sure I even want to connect anymore. I am tired.

[ScentofCedar]

Hearthope, every marriage is different. If this were happening to me though, I would be angry at my DH when the person I was really angry with would be myself.

For not having been able to make a difference for GFG.

Moms especially beat themselves up when their children are unhappy. A DH will turn away, say it doesn't matter, or call the GFG names and pretend to be angry.

Their pain festers away underneath, I think.

Keep posting about it, hearthope.

Your DH is hurting, too.

Only the DHs never seem able to let it out.

And unless they CAN express the pain they feel too, it will come out sideways, at you.

At least, that is what happens at my house. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/cry.gif[/img]

(Where is that little guy with the tongue out when you need him?!?)

Or better yet, that rolling eye icon!

HA!

Wishing well, hearthope.

You and your DH will get through this, too.

I am so sorry this is happening to you, and to your family.

Barbara

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/warrior.gif[/img]